Loving Me Today

Hello friends!
It has been forever since I blogged, and quite honestly, its been forever since I put a healthy lifestyle first. But I am not writing again to bash myself, or to apologize to me or anyone else, I am not going to do that. The fact is that I am human, and I am forever growing and changing, I am always a work in progress.
If its not my battle with my weight, its my self esteem, or my work, or the way I present myself to the world... I am always going to be working on myself. Am I sad that I have let my health be put on the back burner? I guess you could say that, yes. But I am also still very proud of myself.
The person that I became when I lost all that weight was so much more than anything I could have hoped. I was more confident, I was more powerful and I learned to love and value myself the same way I did everyone else. I have been stronger in relationships, both with friends and lovers, and know now that what I feel isn't anything to dismiss. I have a voice, and I know I am worthy to use it.
The journey has always been about so much more than weight. I know now that I love myself at any size. I am capable and confident that I won't lessen myself for anyone or anything. I am deserving of all the love I give. If there is anything I have learned since I started this trek, that I wish I could share with every single person who emailed me or asked me "how I did it" or told me I "inspired them" it is that I love myself no matter what, and you deserve that too.
This love isn't based on a number on a scale, or a size pant, or a lover its based on me. I am happy being me. I have so much to offer this world that has nothing to do with how much I weigh, and I intend to continue to do so no matter what.
I. Am. Worth. It.
Its my birthday tomorrow. I guess thats what brings this up. I'm approaching my last year in my twenties, and I don't feel as healthy as I wish I did. I am not where I want to be, but I still love myself. Its the best gift I could get.
This last year was a hard one... I got into a pretty gnarly accident, that shook my foundation quite a bit, I lost family, I lost the kind of friendships I wish I still had with some, and I battled with depression. But I made it, and I had the best year of work in my career as a makeup artist! I have my own show, for fucks sake! It's amazing!
There is so much to be proud of, But I need to refocus. Its time to finish what I started, and get back to living a lifestyle that makes me feel good. I know I can do it... and I also know how hard it will be. I want to turn 30, 365 days from now, and strut my stuff in a fabulous dress... or possibly in a gorgeous bathing suit in Mexico (Candi and I love this birthday idea).
I want to turn 30 and be the woman I have always known I could be... confident, happy, healthy and financially independent and secure. 
So after my birthday I am going to start a new program. What program?? I have no idea, haha! I have been doing this so long, and I know the gist of healthy living, but it would be great to be a part of a group again...To do it with friends or family, but I don't know yet. I'll tell you when I do. ;)
For now, I am going to focus on me and the things I know I need to change to begin a new healthy lifestyle. Slow and steady wins the race, and I am in no hurry. Thirty years old is the goal, but if I am writing this time next year and I still love myself as much as I do today, then I am doing something right.
Love, Love and more LOVE!!!!
XOXO

Losing the weight, gaining a life!

Hello friends! I know, it has been forever... but I have been away from the computer and in front of faces creating beauty and characters! Yes, life has changed a lot for me since November. I have been taking classes at MUD in Burbank, originally for beauty and print, and now am continuing on to Special FX... and I could not be happier.
I have discovered a way to combine the things I love to do! I love making people feel good about themselves, I love creating characters & I love storytelling--- talk about the perfect place for me! I am so grateful. I am really happy in work - I'll be even  happier when I make a living doing it - but I am so in love with my career, and I have been missing that for quite some time.

But onto what this blog has been about... my weight...

Oi.

Well... it's been a struggle. When I started school I thought it would be easier for me to continue losing weight, because I wouldn't be snacking like I did at work all day. Plus, I get out at 4pm so that should be plenty of time, right?! I was wrong. My motivation and focus switched from my weight loss to my career, and so much energy was being expelled during school that once I got home, I was dead. I started falling asleep by 9PM! On top of that, I wasn't eating properly... during school I was OK... but when I got home I would sit there with ice cream straight from the tub or the chocolate frosting (Don't judge me) and just completely sabotage myself. My cravings were, and have been, out of control! I hate to use this phrase, but I really did "let myself go" when it came to my diet.
So here is the cold hard truth - since school began I have gained 13 pounds. There... I said it.
You know what? It's OK. I will lose it and then the rest. I know I am capable and life has continued to remind me how important my health is.
I think, with what I am doing, I am constantly thinking about other people & I have been neglecting myself. This is the first week that I have done my makeup every day, worn cute outfits, and felt pretty again.
I forgot that I am attractive. Despite how much I joke about it, I really have neglected taking the time and effort to feel like the beautiful woman that I am. That directly reflects in my weight gain. Had I been taking the weekends to get dolled up, and spent a little more time on myself, I don't think I would have punished myself with food like I have been. This is the first week I am starting to feel good again, and I am going to allow this discovery to boost me into another big loss! :)

You know what has really done it, though? My family. My mom and dad's health problems, now coupled with my brother's has kicked me into high gear again. I really HATE the way they treat their bodies. I hate that they do things that can contribute to an early death. I HATE that any time I say anything to them in the way of food and exercise I am treated like the enemy. I get it, but I hate it. I always thought I could inspire my family. I have gotten countless emails from people I have never even met about my inspiring them... but I have not been able to inspire my family. They support what I have done with every ounce of their being, but they do not make the effort for themselves. I have tried guilt and love and common sense... I have encouraged them to take walks with me, and offered to show them the ropes in the gym... but they have refused. Refused or placated me. And I can't pretend like it doesn't hurt. Yes, I am emotional and sensitive, but my family means the world to me... and I want to keep them for as long as I can.
So both my mother and my brother will be going into the hospital at the same time, for something that could have been better cared for had they just treated their bodies kindly. Now I sit here, feeling guilty for not being there and guilty for being mad... I really hope that this is it. I hope that my brother realizes how awesome he is and knows he and his life is worth the work. I hope that my mother stops sabotaging herself and learns to love herself enough to treasure her health.
I hope, and that is all I can do for them. In the mean time I am going to take care of myself, continue to lead by example, get where I want to be with my health and my career, and love myself. I will get there, it's been a bumpy road, but I will do it.

In losing this weight I have gained a life, and I am not willing to give that up for any piece of chocolate cake.

Love, LOVE and more LOVE!!!!!!!

Old Habits Die Hard

I know, I know... 2 blogs in 2 days after nada for so long!! But I keep having these fantastic realizations and I have to write them down and share them.

When I was very heavy I always apologized for myself. Not so much in the literal sense, but in the sense that I would NEVER defend or allow anyone to stand in my defense when it came to someone being mean to me. For instance, I will NEVER forget the night working at Macaroni Grill and after a long and shitty shift (that was normal) I was sweeping on the outside patio. This was not my station, so I had no contact with these tables prior to going to sweep, and a middle aged man grabbed my arm and asked me if I wanted to try his diet program. I was so taken aback, so hurt that this stranger had the nerve to bring that up, let alone reaffirm how I felt everyone saw me, that I stood there with my mouth wide open and tears brimming in my eyes. He immediately said, "I know, it's hard being big, isn't it?" which was the point in the conversation where I said nothing, turned on my heels and walked straight into the girls bathroom to cry. My friend Jess came into the bathroom and saw me, tried to comfort me, and went to get one of my best friends and her boyfriend (soon to be husband EEEK) Brad to talk to me. He walked right into the womens restroom and asked what happened. When I told him, he immediately asked me what table he was at... and I wouldn't tell him. I wouldn't tell him because I thought he was right. I thought he was right for treating me like that and he was just being a doctor and it's my fault for being this way.

I can't tell you how many times something like this has happened.
I realize that I have been trained to think that there is something wrong with me when someone doesn't like me. I am so quick to place blame on myself over someone else FOR EVERYTHING.
When a guy isn't interested its because I am fat or ugly or just not good enough. My automatic response is soooo self damaging and completely ridiculous. Because the truth is, sometimes things just don't work out. Its not anyones fault, no blame should be placed, and it's just one of those things. It's NOT my fault.

I used to gauge how a guy felt about me based on whether he tried to be physical with me. Until then, I decided he didn't like me. Which, if I am totally honest, led me to being physical or allowing chances to guys who I never should have. And even if I wasn't truly interested in them, if they didn't like me it was always my fault. It was because I am fat. I am wrong. I am bad. I am not worth it.
Excuse me while I laugh maniacally.... HAHHAHAHAHHA FUCKING HAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Here is the truth, and I know it now more than ever...
I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am smart.
I am fun.
I am good enough.

And I sit here, trying not to be angry with myself for allowing those negative thoughts to creep back into my mind on occasion. But, I had 24 years of treating myself less than... I had 24 years of repeating people's hateful comments in my head. I had 24 years of looking in a mirror and HATING what I saw. So, it's ok. It's ok for it to happen on occassion. No one expects me to be perfect all the time. I am confident when it counts, and on those occassions where that little asshole voice speaks up and tells me "It's your fault. You're fate. You're ugly. Can you blame them?" I gotta put myself in check.
I didn't work this hard for anyone else. I did it for me. I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror, now, I see someone beautiful looking back... and I am not going to allow anyone to take that away. ESPECIALLY that little fucking voice.
Bottom line is this---

I can be my own worst enemy... but I would rather be my own best friend and biggest cheerleader!!!

Love, LOVE & More LOVE!!!

Control

A lot has happened since my last blog. I was doing really well this summer, pushing myself hard at the gym. Working on toning everything up, and then I got into a little care accident and it messed with my, already fucked up, back.

Stupid arthritis.

Stupid back.

Stupid food that I PAYED for that I ate in droves that caused me to get so big that I gave myself arthritis before I was 25!

But, whats done is done. I cannot, and will not, punish myself for my past mistakes. At first I was upset about it... but then I can't change what happened then, I am not in control of that any longer. But I am in control of today. That's right. I am in control of my own life!!

I have realized so many things about myself, about my family, and about life in general in the past few months. The biggest thing that I have learned is that I am only responsible for me. I cannot make anyone be the person I want them to be. I have no control over their actions. The only person I am in complete control over is ME. Now, some people might feel like everything is happening to them. Their circumstances might be much less fortunate than mine, or yours, but the bottom line is ----------

SHIT WILL HAPPEN ALL THE TIME, IT'S HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT THAT IS UP TO YOU.

For instance, when I was sad or hurt, I went to food. I didn't go for a walk, or talk to a friend, or dance... I ate. That was how I dealt with things. Well, now things are different for me. With all the shit that has been going on in my family, instead of bottling it up and eating a barrell of ice cream I went to the gym. I did something I could be proud of. When I finally had enough, I drank some wine and I cried. I cried in the most dramatic and grossest way possible. I am talking snot covering my face, sobbing... hugging my dog and crying into his fur... shit I find hilarious now, I did. When I realized I couldn't do it on my own, I called my best friend and she listened and she talked it out with me and made me laugh. I dealt with it in my own way. I dealt with all these things without coping with food. Admittedly, I have slipped here and there. But instead of beating myself up and continuing to use food as THE WORST CRUTCH KNOWN TO MAN, I got back into the gym straight away.

I am in control.

I know that now.

No matter how bad life can get, how miserable things can be, I know that I am in control. I am in control of how I react to things. I can make any situation better, or brighter, by taking healthy steps... whether it is hitting the gym or calling my best friend... I am in control of my life.

Praying the fat away

I used to talk to God... No, not in the Michelle Bachmann kinda way (she's a crazy bitch). But when I prayed at night, throughout my childhood, I always prayed out loud. I talked with him, chatted it up, shot the shit... whatever you wanna call it, and I would always pray for certain things.

I prayed that he would take care of my grandparents...

I prayed that he would make sure my family wasn't in any pain...

I prayed that I could be strong for them...

And I prayed that I would wake up and be thin.

I used to lay there in bed, night after night, praying that I would wake up skinny. In my mind, I would wake up thin, and all the pain would be gone. The boys would like me. I wouldn't feel insecure anymore, I would be totally accepted and I would be beautiful.

Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

But you know what... it's not. It is not easy, and I am blessed to know that, and I am happy about that. If it were that easy, everyone would look the same, talk the same, dress the same and act the same. There wouldn't be anything special or different about any of us.

I am the way I am today because of what I went through. I am the kind hearted, sincere, loyal friend with a loud mouth and even louder laugh because of the shit that I had to endure.

We all are.

I'm sure I could have lived without someone "oinking" at me while out with my girlfriends... or being called a "fat ass" by the angry dude in the back of class... or certain people I love saying cruel things and not even realizing that they hurt me... but I don't know if I would be as strong and proud of myself as I am now without them.

I overcame something that is so brutal and so damaging, I overcame that voice in the back of my head telling me I wasn't good enough because I was fat. I learned to LOVE myself and LIKE myself and know that no matter what my weight is, no matter how big or small I am, that I AM WORTH IT.

I can, honestly, look in the mirror and be happy now. There will always be things to work on - I want my stomach flatter and I wish my arms weren't so droopy, but I can still look in the mirror and be pleased with what I have seen and what I have accomplished. I get to see my success every time I look at my reflection! It's like wearing a permanent medal or something! I might forget it sometimes, because I am human, but then I remember that I have done something wonderful, and if I could PRAY the last 20lbs I want to lose away I WOULDN'T! I DID THIS. Not God or any quick fix... I DID IT. I worked my ass off, literally, and I can look back at everything I have accomplished and be PROUD.

I was thinking about it the other day, and I told some friends, if I could change one thing about my appearance RIGHT NOW, if I could wake up and it would be fixed, I wouldn't change anything EXCEPT my feet. I would make my feet a size 10 so I could buy all the shoes I wanted! HA! It's not something I could actually change, which is what makes it so great---

I look in the mirror and I am confident and happy enough with myself that I would stay just the way I am. I know that I can lose the rest of the weight. I know that I am capable, both physically and emotionally, of some extraordinary things... and it's all because of the journey. If I woke up tomorrow "perfect" I would never appreciate it. I earned this body. I earned my happiness.

I don't pray as much anymore. It's not often I find myself chatting it up with God, asking him to do things for me. It's not because I don't believe in God, because I do... it's because I know that my life is my own. I am responsible for myself and this body. No one can fix or change me. I am me and that is beautiful and extraordinary. I am an exceptional being and every day I am given is a day to accomplish something... whether it be to make someone smile, laugh, run, play, jump, or just listen IT'S ALL MINE, and I do believe this is the only one I get.

Moral of the story... just LOVE yourself, be kind to your body, and don't spend another minute unhappy and dwelling on the beauty that is you. If you are uncomfortable in your own skin and want to lose weight, know that it will take time. There is NO QUICK FIX. Even surgeries take work if they are going to be successful in the long term. But I can promise you that you will appreciate every step you take, because it will be something new and something that YOU accomplished despite all of the negativity in your life. You did it. I did it.

Run, Oakley, RUNNNNNN!!!!!

I used to hate running.

Then I learned to tolerate it.

Then I learned to appreciate that I was able to run.

And NOW... I kinda like it.

Alright, let me explain to my fellow running haters-- I have not started to drink the runners kool- aid (Gatorade or various energy drinks)... I just really like the feeling I get after I finish my run.

I love getting on the treadmill and trying to beat my previous time. I love knowing exactly how far I have gone, and how many calories I am burning. I can burn soooooo much in an hour. You see, and this is the kicker... I don't like running outside! I love walking outside, but running --- I just want to stop. I see how far away something is and my breathing starts to catch and I get defeated. I can focus so much more on a treadmill.

I get on that treadmill, decide I am going to do something and I fucking do it.

On Sunday I decided I would try to run intervals for an hour. I was trying to run thru all my stomach cramps. Wouldn't you know it... it actually worked! I worked it out and I couldn't feel my cramps. Now, I am pretty sure that it is because I transferred the pain from my uterus to my heel -- where I was developing two lovely blisters -- but I felt so much better. I was able to push out 4.2 miles, walking the hills at a speed of 3.8 and running the flats! So every other minute I was running. My average mile time was a bit slower, because I walked the first mile to warm up. I didn't really decide to run until I got bored with it.

So yesterday, I got on that treadmill and promised myself I would improve my time... and I did!

This time I did 4.7 miles in an hour and burned 810 calories! My goal by next Sunday is going to be to get to 5 miles... then work my way on up to 6...

The only struggle I am really having in pushing myself is my breathing. I FREAK OUT when my breathing starts to catch. I have had too many asthma and panic attacks to make me feel OK when I start to gasp. My trainer says that this is the anaerobic zone that I need to be in to keep dropping the weight, so I am trying to push myself into it for longer. Struggling to breathe scares me and when I get scared, I get an attack. It's all about balance and building up strength in my lungs and trusting my body.

Running has become a new way for me to push myself. I find that the only way to keep from being bored at the gym is to challenge myself in my workouts. I am a competitive freak! I need to be challenged. When I am next to someone who can run more than me, it only makes me want to prove myself that much more. Thats the secret to my gym motivation. That and my iPod! Running with music is the BEST! I couldn't run without something that pumped me up, like my "ZUMBA" or "FUCKING DANCE" playlists on my iPod!

I have to have fun in my workouts, and the right music is KEY to that... no matter what I am doing!

So all of my runner friends, I officially tip my hat to you in defeat and realize what you have been talking about all these years. It will never be my favorite thing to do (Dancing will always be my #1 exersize) but I definitely enjoy it. You can remind me of this if I ever get off track and say "Running is stupid"... :)

I will say that the only way you will see me running a marathon is if there is a Zombie apocalypse. However, I would have to run and shoot a rifle at the same time. Maybe I'll have to practice that on the treadmill in a few weeks...

Wish me luck on getting to mile 6!!!

Love, LOVE and MORE LoVe!!!!!!!!

Work it the f*** out!!

Holy shit!

Thats the only proper way to start my blog for today. I am fucking tired.

As soon as I dropped that sinus infection like a bad habit, I started hitting the gym HARD, again.

It feels really good, and I feel really motivated. I also feel my body getting stronger. The number on the scale is still a pain in the ass (I am happy to report it is starting to go down again) but more than anything else, I am noticing how everything is starting to get easier, bit by bit.

My workouts with my trainer are physically and mentally exhausting. I almost started crying during my last session. For reals. I was so frustrated with my body and felt insecure, being as tired and sore as I was from everything. I hate when I feel like I can't do something.

BUT, even though I slowed down towards the end, even though it hurt like hell and I almost started sobbing like a baby... I FINISHED the workout.

It took me a while to realize how awesome that was. Initially, I called Marisa and told her what he had me do. She, of course, was super pumped and said to me, "Yea, but you DID it! Don't you feel good!" That was when I realized... I might have wanted to stop and cry and crawl into a hole and die... but I DIDN'T! I finished that workout and I need to be proud of that. I am now!

That was Saturday.

My last week of exersize has gone something like this:

Thursday- Workout with Trainer

Friday- Off day

Saturday- Workout with trainer (near death experience)

Sunday- hiking

Monday- Zumba

Tuesday- 2.5 mile run/interval, 10 minutes stair climb, planks and sit ups

Wednesday- Zumba

TONIGHT- Workout with my trainer (I am doomed)

Let's not forget that I am still walking as much as I can throughout all of this.

It is pathetic because I am so looking forward to tomorrow when I can have the night off, because on Saturday it's another training session.

I think that if I am able to sleep thru the night more consistently than I will not be as tired in the coming weeks. But I refuse to stop. Part of the problem with taking nights off is that I will stay home and MUNCH. I have to keep myself busy. It's kind of like trying to trade one addiction for another.

Speaking of addiction...

It has been over a month since I have had any candy or cookies at work!!! I am a fucking rock star! And every time I think about having one, I remind myself of my streak and think "Why in the hell would I ruin my record NOW?" it's totally not worth it.

I also have been able to have a dark chocolate bar in my refrigerator and NOT devour it within seconds. I am trying my "Grandma" method and I have one bar when I get that sweet craving. I think she has more than one bar... but she is 91 so she can eat whatever the fuck she wants!

It does the trick too... I have that little piece of sweet, delicious goodness and I am set. I think the true test will be in a week when I am suffering from the delights of being a lady. No chocolate is safe in front of me.

Alright, well lets hope I don't die after tonight! That is not the way I want to go... there are not nearly enough cute men to surround me in my gym to make an adequate death. Not to mention, it smells in there. No... I don't think I'll die tonight. Too much to look forward to anyways!

Let's kick some more ARSE!!!!!

Love, LOVE & more LoVe!!!!!