Crunchy.... mmmmmm

No, this is not a post about how delicious crunchy apples are (smeared with a little peanut butter, of course) --- This is about getting down to CRUNCH TIME baby!

My birthday is December 28th, and as a birthday present to myself I want to be at goal. That is a size 10 and down another 20lbs.

Totally doable. But it is going to be a wicked trial.

The holidays are here. My favorite, Thanksgiving, being based all around the dinner table.

Now food is not the actual meaning of the holiday, it's all about being THANKFUL. I can be thankful without seconds of stuffing... right? Of course I can!

I can also prepare myself, plan out my meals, and double my workout the day before so that I can enjoy myself- not overindulge- but enjoy myself.

There is such a difference between enjoying yourself and overindulging, isn't there? Like this weekend for example --- this weekend I overindulged. I made "No Pudge Fudge Brownies" from Trader Joe's and "enjoyed", almost, the whole pan! Then I went apple picking and "enjoyed" copious amounts of pumpkin bread and SLOW ROASTED TRI TIP... I am salivating just thinking about it. And afterwards, while laying on the couch watching "Jerseylicious", I felt like I was going to go into a food coma. It was totally unnecessary. I could have had 1 slice of brownies and 1 slice of pumpkin bread... but NO. I had to overindulge, thereby feeling like a walking pile of shit for the rest of the night.

But, what's done is done. Point is- I don't want this to happen again, especially on Thanksgiving when I am going to be so close to my showcase. So, its all about planning.

Planning begins today. In order to drop the rest of the weight by my birthday I need to start getting serious again. I have come to a point in my weight loss where I don't burn as much as I used to as easily. It SUCKS. I miss those HIGH calorie burning numbers on my bodybugg. But, if it means I have to weigh more to burn that much then FUCK it! I can still get to that number--- but who has that time in the day? I work 10 hour days... and sit at a desk for almost all of them. I don't have time for two a days! So... I have to do what I have been avoiding like the friggin' bubonic plague... I have to cut my calories again.

The main idea for weight loss is to burn MORE than you consume, thereby having a calorie DEFICIT. My deficit has always been around 1,000 calories a day. Well, for the next 6 weeks I am going to step it up a notch and shoot for a 1,200-1,400 calorie deficit. And in order to do this I am going to be consuming around 1,200 calories per day. It's gonna be pretty rough. But it is what I need to do. I cannot allow myself to go back into old habits (this weekend was, almost, a tribute to them) I mean, you all know --- because I have BLOGGED it--- I am a food addict 100%! I am addicted to food and every emotion that I use it to feed... so I have to stop with the little pleasures for a while. I can still "enjoy" my food... just not as much of it and in healthier options.

Some of you have heard me say that I was hoping to be at goal for my acting showcase in the beginning of December. Well, part of the reason I have stretched it to the end of the month is --- and I am being honest---- because I haven't been on program. But really, when I think about it, I started this journey for ME. I am going to get to my goal as a gift to ME. I don't want to do it for anyone else. I especially don't want to do it for any agents and managers. As far as my career goes, I will figure it all out. I will learn how to market myself again. But I don't want to have a goal that is going to "appease" anyone but myself. I am the most important person in this journey. I am doing it for me and my health and my happiness. The industry related goal seems so against everything I have started this for.

So... it'll be a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME indeed!!!!

It's CRUNCH TIME BABY!!!!

Love, LOVE, and more LOVE!!

My eyes are HUGE!!!

LOL... not really. In fact, my eyes are my favorite feature. When I say they are HUGE I mean in relation to my stomach!

I have recently discovered the magical combination that is APPLE and PEANUT BUTTER. I am kind of obsessed with it. Not in the creepy stalker kinda way (I may have found my way to a peanut farm in the middle of the night... but that was a happy mistake) , but in the "I WANT IT ALL THE TIME AT WORK" kinda way.

There are numerous reasons why I have, suddenly, found this combo so effin' delightful. The main reason, however, is that it actually fills me up! I have my favorite fruit and am not hungry immediately afterwards --- fruit tends to make me hungry faster --- PLUS I get my energy from the protein.

Now... 1 TBSP of peanut butter is upwards of 90 calories- I usually have 2.

But today... I scooped and scooped and scooped some more. Scooping so much and, somehow, justifying the mass amount of peanut butter that found its way to my bowl,

"It's just 2 larger scoops" or "I will work it off later" or, my personal fave, "I am eating vegetable soup for lunch and dinner so these calories won't hurt!"

BULLLLLLLSSSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT !

:):)

Needless to say, I wound up eating my apple and peanut butter and found myself still staring -- and it looked back at me so sad--- at endless amounts of leftover peanut butter (see picture below)

So not only did I feel like a fat pig for attempting to stuff myself with that much peanut butter, but I felt GUILTY... and all around silly. I really did laugh about it. I mean, how effed up is my mind to take that much of something and think I can still eat it--- and find a way to justify it!

This is why it is SO important to get used to reading the labels.

PEOPLE... it sucks... no one wants to know that their favorite food or snack or sweet is half of their daily calorie intake! But it is soooo necessary. It is also necessary to be honest with ourselves and measure portions. Measuring sucks. I hate it. Portion control is no fun- you know what is fun... all you can eat buffets!!! Fucking delightful!!!! But the feeling afterwards... the letting out of the top button. The guilt the next morning on your weigh in... the punishing workouts to feel okay with what you just consumed--- not fun. Also--- NOT worth it!!!

I know that when I take my time and enjoy my food but eat portions with the idea that it is FUEL for my body then I will not only feel better, but enjoy my food more.

Sometimes I am really good at these things. Other times (hello AUNT FLOW!!! Bitch.) I get off track and just want to go crazy and indulge.

I really can't anymore though, not like I used to anyways. Not only because it isn't healthy and will help pack on pounds... but I physically can't eat that much anymore. If I do, I know exactly what I am doing, punishing myself. For so long food was a source of punishment for me... sad, but true.

Anyways, the moral of the story is to acknowledge that, sometimes, our eyes are way bigger than our appetites. Sometimes I have to take a step back and say to myself "Am I really that hungry?" OR "Do I really need that?"... because whenever I actually practice these things the outcome is sooooo much better.

In the end... do I really need that much peanut butter!?!?

Love, Love and more LOVE!!!!

Self Sabotage

No excuses. This is how it is. I have been self sabotaging my success.

Anyone who loses weight, or really makes any life altering changes, knows that this can be a part of the process.

I think that there are many reasons why this comes to be. But I can only speak for myself and I know that it is because I am scared of success. I am scared of what will happen with my career. I am scared of the attention I will get from men. I am scared to be in this uncharted territory and how people will perceive me. I am also scared of committing to it 100% again and failing. Not reaching my goal weight/size. These things SCARE me. So... it is easier to just not try anymore, right?! WRONG!!!!

It is way worse to just stay in this plateau I have created for myself. Every day I don't eat right... I feel guilty. Every time I don't exersize... I feel guilty. Every time I step on the scale and it is within the same damn 5lbs I feel guilty!!!

I have worked way too hard to stop now... just because of fear. If I let fear control my life than I will never live the life that I want. I won't see the things I want to see or do the things I have always wanted to do. I will be stuck in the same place until I decide to follow my heart. I don't want that.

In the last 14 months I have seen and done things that I never would have --- all because I took a chance. When I first started losing weight I looked at where I was and where I needed to be and I freaked!!! How in the hell does it feel to know that you have over 100lbs to lose to just be healthy...? It is daunting. It is one of the scariest things that I have ever had to come to terms with. But I did, because I had to. Because I knew the life I was living was not the life I wanted or DESERVED. I deserved so much more than what I allowed myself at 307lbs. So I started slowly. I started by surrounding myself with positive people and having fun while losing weight. The pounds started shedding and soon the amount I had left didn't seem quite as daunting.

The point is, as scary as it was... it was not unattainable... and it was soooo worth it. As scared as I was to go to that first class at Slimmons... as petrified as it was to step on that scale again... and as frightening as it was to tell friends what I was trying to do again --- in the end it was all SO WORTH IT.

So why wouldn't these next 20lbs be worth it? Won't it be just as satisfying to walk away from the candies at work and walk towards the park for a 3 mile run. Will it be as great to get off the couch on the weekends and head towards the hills for a hike? Won't it be great to be full because I am eating leaner, healthier foods and cooking again?!

The answer... YES. Yes it will! It will be amazing. It will be new and exciting and different.

And let me tell you, when I lose these next few pounds and get under 200lbs (for the first time since I was a child) it will feel amazing. I will do a happy dance the entire day. I will shout from a rooftop my success! I will sing the entire day... in the car, in the shower, on the pot, in the grocery store. I will have so many more amazing memories because I accomplished something that was scary. It is so worth every cookie I give up and every calorie I burn! I am worth it!!

I will not let this fear stop me any longer. I determine my own happiness and I am not going to let anyone or anything stop me. Not even myself.

Get 'er done!!!!!!!

Love, LOVE and MORE LoVe!!!!!!!!!!!