Celebration!!!!

It's the best word in the dictionary, if you ask me!

This weekend I spent my time celebrating my success. Sometimes this is hard to do. I had trouble wanting the focus to be on me for my big loss. Its not that I don't like hearing the positive feedback... it's more that I worry that I will fail them. There is also that small part of me that still feels like people will look at me and think to themselves, "She's still fat"... which is the worst part of it all. I am not where I want to be yet, but this weekends celebration made me realize that I am happier than I have ever been. Ever.

I spent the weekend with my friends and their non stop positive love and pride. It made me feel so good.

I started off Saturday morning with a group of my friends coming to Slimmons- many for the first time. While I was dancing and singing with the music, I turned around and looked at all of their smiling faces... I nearly started crying right there. Right in the middle of my leg lifts I was going to turn into a wet blanket. I was so happy. I just thought to myself, "Look at where this journey has taken me in a little over a year" I am happy, I am healthy, I am 100lbs lighter & I have a wonderful group of people behind me who came here to support ME. That is amazing. That is the best gift anyone could ever ask for. I was elated. I could have taken over the world in that moment. It was so special. It's hard to explain in text just how happy I was, just how special this group of people made me feel... OY I am gettin' all V'Klempt!

I still managed to get a little embarrassed when Richard shouted out my weight loss in front of everyone. It's not that I am ashamed of it, it was just that little voice in the back of my head again. It's so funny, I love the spotlight. You all know this. I fucking LOVE it. But when it comes to my weight loss I am still getting used to all of this new attention I get. Every look, every email, every time someone uses the word "Inspirational" I am not too sure how to respond. It take some getting used to... but I will ;)

After some delicious lunch and preparation it was time to head over to our Awesome 80's Beach Bash that my friend Katie K. and I planned!!

We were organized into teams by neon color and dressed to fucking IMPRESS!!! My team was HOT PINK and we rocked the shit out of our colors. It was bad ass.

When we walked over to the beach to start the game, I was giving everyone the rules when Schiavo stopped me and gave a little speech about us being here for ME and how proud they were of me. Everyone cheered, I turned red and had to force myself not to cry like a little bitch. If I couldn't express it in that moment, then just know- It made me feel amazing. I felt so special and loved and proud of myself and of the friends I have made. I fucking LOVE you guys!!!

The games commenced and the debauchery was in full force. The Venice boardwalk was in full support, shouting out "TEAM PINK!" and offering help to everyone. It couldn't have been a better location. The night turned out to be a HUgE success. Everyone had fun, there was not a time when everyone wasn't laughing about some mission they had just accomplished. Team Pink even managed to sing Journey with an accordion player on the street. How fucking rad is that?!?!

We ended at the bar, with Green Team taking home the win and buying everyone shots. Got another special toast from my boys and the partying ensued with many laughs and many memories... and many parts of the night I do not remember :)

The day was perfect. I couldn't have asked for anything better. There, of course, were a few people I wish could have been there... but it was a celebration to the max!

I felt it in the morning. Hangovers suck. Usually they are worth it though, and in this case it was worth every ounce of pain I felt.

I may be insane, but I still went to my 2 hour ZUMBA master class. I already paid for the ticket and I would have felt like shit if I had celebrated my success with alcohol and then not worked out because I got too drunk!! So I still went. It was fun, but not as enjoyable as it should have been. I felt and looked like death. Death with a hangover. Death with a hangover who was sweating vodka and tequila shots. It was disgusting. I was disgusting. BUT, I stuck it out and danced the whole way thru. I immediately went home and sat in hot water for a good 30 minutes, ate way too much Indian food (totes not on my diet plan, but mama needed some CARBS) watched True Blood and passed out by 9:45.

All in all it was the perfect weekend.

I laughed, I cried, I danced, I sweated, I drank & by God I CELEBRATED.

Thank you all for your love and support. This is a battle not easily won. It is so amazing to me the friends that I have in my corner. Fighting right along side me.

I have been told by many people that I am an "Inspiration". Well, I will accept this as long as you all know that you inspire me every single day. Every time you work out with me, laugh with me, encourage me, show me strength I am inspired again. I could not have done it without you. I love you all with all of my heart.

Let's keep on truckin' to that next goal!!!!!!

Love, love and more LOVE

XOXOXO!

The Future

With all these new, positive, changes in my life it is so much fun to think about "What's next?!"

As most of you have read, I have been pushing myself to try new things. Participate in things that even scare me.

I have learned so much about myself. I know that most of what I am afraid of I have done myself, and life isn't worth living if we don't push ourselves to the limits.

Being afraid is such a thrill. It reminds us that we are alive, that we are human.

Now, let's not get it twisted... I will, more than likely, never be jumping out of a plane. However, I do want to push myself even farther and start planning what I want to do before I die.

Don't look at me like that.

Life is fragile, I could be gone tomorrow... it can happen in the blink of an eye and I don't want to wish I did something/said something that I had always dreamed of. "I WANT TO LIVE!!!!" (THAT'S AUNTIE MAME... OF COURSE)

So, I have started thinking about things I want to accomplish in the next year...

1. Reach my goal weight (which is my comfort weight, because I know longer have a number I am shooting for)

2. Ride a roller coaster... my girlfriends will be the first to tell you I FREAK out about them. But the one time I went on one, I LOVED it... and then couldn't get back on. So it's time for me to feel the free fall again. THEN decide if I hate it.

3. Fly a plane.... I want to take a flying lesson SOOOOO bad!!!!!! This needs to happen!

4. Go on a vacation to somewhere I have never been.

5. Wear something really SEXY!!! I want to feel like the hottest chick in the room!

6. See as many live music performances as my wallet permits.

7. Go sailing!!!!!

8. Learn a new dance technique... I've got Burlesque recently- so what's next??!

9. Take professional boxing lessons!!!! I cannot wait to spar with someone and learn the technique!

So that is my "This year I will take some chances and do this shit" bucket list...

I am excited about it. I'm sure more ideas will pop in my head. But for now it is just good to be aware and realize... I can do absolutely anything with my life. I have to take advantage while I can!!!

Love, love, and more love!!!!

Sexual Healing

I am having so much fun.

Seriously. Like... epic amounts of good times. Being thinner is way easier than being big. It was like I was in a world that didn't respect me, wasn't made for me, and didn't want me. While this is not totally true- it's what it felt like 95lbs ago.

I have been pushing myself to try new things. To embrace life in this new body.

It is always funny to me that most people didn't know how insecure I was.

Well, let me tell you- I hated my body. I didn't like looking in the mirror. I had, honestly, NEVER felt SEXY. Isn't that sad? Being trapped in a body that makes you feel like you're a running joke.

I might have been sexy to some people. In fact, I know I was. But I never FELT sexy.

What a feeling I have been missing...

Now I feel like a woman. I am no longer a big blob of skin. I have curves- that are kickin' ;)

I have a waist and breasts and and ASS, and it is fucking fantastic.

I like looking at myself now. Sometimes I still catch my reflection and get a little upset- but I beat that feeling to a pulp as quick as I can and move on.

I just never knew how hard it would be to embrace and accept this new body.

You'd think, after all these years, of never feeling comfortable in my own skin (that's 25 years people!) that I would be all about it- flaunting it at every turn as soon as I got it. But no. That is just now how it works. Or at least not how I am programmed.

Which is why I have to push myself.

I have to try on clothes I never would have tried on before. I have to dress myself up more. I have to take risks and do things I would have never dared to try 95lbs ago...

In the last month I decided to go to some open calls for plus size modeling (still being considered plus size while I have been working so hard is a bit of a shitter but it's the nature of the beast). I was super embarrassed to admit it. I felt like a joke. See, the thing is I know I am "pretty" but because of my lack of feeling "Sexy" I thought I was crazy for doing this.

I have had so many years in front of the camera- being funny. Funny. Not sassy, or beautiful, or SEXY but funny. So when the camera comes on I have no idea wtf to do. Which is why I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and EMBRACE my body. EMBRACE my sex appeal and OWN my sexuality. Easier said than done. But I am so happy I am doing it.

The modeling thing is still a little rough for me to delve into- it's such a shallow industry and I just don't think I will enjoy it. But I am still going to try. I am going to build my confidence by doing things I never would have dared to do.

Last night I went to a Burlesque dance class. All on my own. It was sooooo fun. Zumba has helped me begin to loosen up, Rock my curves and bring out the sex on the dance floor. I absolutely LOVE dancing now because of ZUMBA. Well, there was no class last night so I decided to try something new. Burlesque sounded right up my alley.

I LOVE Burlesque. I'm sure you do too. In fact, I don't know any men or women who don't find it to be the biggest turn on. It's just one big strip tease. Fucking insanely HOT. So I thought this would be a good mix for me. Spice it up a bit and bring out more of my sexuality.

Initially I was a little uncomfortable, all the women were regulars and knew each other. But I wouldn't let it show. I was going to do this and have fun!

We started with a lot of core work and stretching... many sit-ups. Then we walked all sexy across the floor- added spins. THEN we had to free style it across the floor. We could use the bars, the floor, the walls- whatever we wanted- all we had to think about was SEX. I was a little flustered but managed to put on my brave face and work the room- using my faithful shimmy in the process. That was when one of the women said to me, "Don't close your eyes. Look in the mirror, you look sexy"... WHAT?! My eyes were fucking closed!!! I didn't even realize that, once again, I was scared to look at myself. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! But it was so hard, moving in a sexual way- not making a joke of it- and watching yourself in the mirror as if you are seducing a lover. It is not easy. So throughout the rest of the class, learning the routine, I made a point of trying to watch myself dance. It was hard. Taking my eyes off the HOT instructor made it harder ;) But I did manage to look at myself throughout some of it. And damn it, if I didn't look good!!!!

I had such a blast. Dancing in a way that celebrated being a woman and being SEXUAL was something I had never done and never thought I'd do. Now that I have... well- let's just say I am doing double workouts next Wednesday- start with Burlesque and end with Zumba!!

To sum up this post, let me just say I think it is so important that women embrace their sexuality and sensuality. This does not mean going out and sleeping around, but owning their bodies. We should all feel confident in what we've got. We should work what we've got. Women are blessed with breasts and hips and curves and we have to own it for ourselves. For our own self confidence. Not for any other man or woman, but for us. For me. I want to OWN my sexuality and feel comfortable and confident in my skin for the rest of my life. That is such a gift... one that I am just starting to unwrap!!

XOXO!!!