Crunchy.... mmmmmm

No, this is not a post about how delicious crunchy apples are (smeared with a little peanut butter, of course) --- This is about getting down to CRUNCH TIME baby!

My birthday is December 28th, and as a birthday present to myself I want to be at goal. That is a size 10 and down another 20lbs.

Totally doable. But it is going to be a wicked trial.

The holidays are here. My favorite, Thanksgiving, being based all around the dinner table.

Now food is not the actual meaning of the holiday, it's all about being THANKFUL. I can be thankful without seconds of stuffing... right? Of course I can!

I can also prepare myself, plan out my meals, and double my workout the day before so that I can enjoy myself- not overindulge- but enjoy myself.

There is such a difference between enjoying yourself and overindulging, isn't there? Like this weekend for example --- this weekend I overindulged. I made "No Pudge Fudge Brownies" from Trader Joe's and "enjoyed", almost, the whole pan! Then I went apple picking and "enjoyed" copious amounts of pumpkin bread and SLOW ROASTED TRI TIP... I am salivating just thinking about it. And afterwards, while laying on the couch watching "Jerseylicious", I felt like I was going to go into a food coma. It was totally unnecessary. I could have had 1 slice of brownies and 1 slice of pumpkin bread... but NO. I had to overindulge, thereby feeling like a walking pile of shit for the rest of the night.

But, what's done is done. Point is- I don't want this to happen again, especially on Thanksgiving when I am going to be so close to my showcase. So, its all about planning.

Planning begins today. In order to drop the rest of the weight by my birthday I need to start getting serious again. I have come to a point in my weight loss where I don't burn as much as I used to as easily. It SUCKS. I miss those HIGH calorie burning numbers on my bodybugg. But, if it means I have to weigh more to burn that much then FUCK it! I can still get to that number--- but who has that time in the day? I work 10 hour days... and sit at a desk for almost all of them. I don't have time for two a days! So... I have to do what I have been avoiding like the friggin' bubonic plague... I have to cut my calories again.

The main idea for weight loss is to burn MORE than you consume, thereby having a calorie DEFICIT. My deficit has always been around 1,000 calories a day. Well, for the next 6 weeks I am going to step it up a notch and shoot for a 1,200-1,400 calorie deficit. And in order to do this I am going to be consuming around 1,200 calories per day. It's gonna be pretty rough. But it is what I need to do. I cannot allow myself to go back into old habits (this weekend was, almost, a tribute to them) I mean, you all know --- because I have BLOGGED it--- I am a food addict 100%! I am addicted to food and every emotion that I use it to feed... so I have to stop with the little pleasures for a while. I can still "enjoy" my food... just not as much of it and in healthier options.

Some of you have heard me say that I was hoping to be at goal for my acting showcase in the beginning of December. Well, part of the reason I have stretched it to the end of the month is --- and I am being honest---- because I haven't been on program. But really, when I think about it, I started this journey for ME. I am going to get to my goal as a gift to ME. I don't want to do it for anyone else. I especially don't want to do it for any agents and managers. As far as my career goes, I will figure it all out. I will learn how to market myself again. But I don't want to have a goal that is going to "appease" anyone but myself. I am the most important person in this journey. I am doing it for me and my health and my happiness. The industry related goal seems so against everything I have started this for.

So... it'll be a HAPPY BIRTHDAY to ME indeed!!!!

It's CRUNCH TIME BABY!!!!

Love, LOVE, and more LOVE!!

My eyes are HUGE!!!

LOL... not really. In fact, my eyes are my favorite feature. When I say they are HUGE I mean in relation to my stomach!

I have recently discovered the magical combination that is APPLE and PEANUT BUTTER. I am kind of obsessed with it. Not in the creepy stalker kinda way (I may have found my way to a peanut farm in the middle of the night... but that was a happy mistake) , but in the "I WANT IT ALL THE TIME AT WORK" kinda way.

There are numerous reasons why I have, suddenly, found this combo so effin' delightful. The main reason, however, is that it actually fills me up! I have my favorite fruit and am not hungry immediately afterwards --- fruit tends to make me hungry faster --- PLUS I get my energy from the protein.

Now... 1 TBSP of peanut butter is upwards of 90 calories- I usually have 2.

But today... I scooped and scooped and scooped some more. Scooping so much and, somehow, justifying the mass amount of peanut butter that found its way to my bowl,

"It's just 2 larger scoops" or "I will work it off later" or, my personal fave, "I am eating vegetable soup for lunch and dinner so these calories won't hurt!"

BULLLLLLLSSSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT !

:):)

Needless to say, I wound up eating my apple and peanut butter and found myself still staring -- and it looked back at me so sad--- at endless amounts of leftover peanut butter (see picture below)

So not only did I feel like a fat pig for attempting to stuff myself with that much peanut butter, but I felt GUILTY... and all around silly. I really did laugh about it. I mean, how effed up is my mind to take that much of something and think I can still eat it--- and find a way to justify it!

This is why it is SO important to get used to reading the labels.

PEOPLE... it sucks... no one wants to know that their favorite food or snack or sweet is half of their daily calorie intake! But it is soooo necessary. It is also necessary to be honest with ourselves and measure portions. Measuring sucks. I hate it. Portion control is no fun- you know what is fun... all you can eat buffets!!! Fucking delightful!!!! But the feeling afterwards... the letting out of the top button. The guilt the next morning on your weigh in... the punishing workouts to feel okay with what you just consumed--- not fun. Also--- NOT worth it!!!

I know that when I take my time and enjoy my food but eat portions with the idea that it is FUEL for my body then I will not only feel better, but enjoy my food more.

Sometimes I am really good at these things. Other times (hello AUNT FLOW!!! Bitch.) I get off track and just want to go crazy and indulge.

I really can't anymore though, not like I used to anyways. Not only because it isn't healthy and will help pack on pounds... but I physically can't eat that much anymore. If I do, I know exactly what I am doing, punishing myself. For so long food was a source of punishment for me... sad, but true.

Anyways, the moral of the story is to acknowledge that, sometimes, our eyes are way bigger than our appetites. Sometimes I have to take a step back and say to myself "Am I really that hungry?" OR "Do I really need that?"... because whenever I actually practice these things the outcome is sooooo much better.

In the end... do I really need that much peanut butter!?!?

Love, Love and more LOVE!!!!

Self Sabotage

No excuses. This is how it is. I have been self sabotaging my success.

Anyone who loses weight, or really makes any life altering changes, knows that this can be a part of the process.

I think that there are many reasons why this comes to be. But I can only speak for myself and I know that it is because I am scared of success. I am scared of what will happen with my career. I am scared of the attention I will get from men. I am scared to be in this uncharted territory and how people will perceive me. I am also scared of committing to it 100% again and failing. Not reaching my goal weight/size. These things SCARE me. So... it is easier to just not try anymore, right?! WRONG!!!!

It is way worse to just stay in this plateau I have created for myself. Every day I don't eat right... I feel guilty. Every time I don't exersize... I feel guilty. Every time I step on the scale and it is within the same damn 5lbs I feel guilty!!!

I have worked way too hard to stop now... just because of fear. If I let fear control my life than I will never live the life that I want. I won't see the things I want to see or do the things I have always wanted to do. I will be stuck in the same place until I decide to follow my heart. I don't want that.

In the last 14 months I have seen and done things that I never would have --- all because I took a chance. When I first started losing weight I looked at where I was and where I needed to be and I freaked!!! How in the hell does it feel to know that you have over 100lbs to lose to just be healthy...? It is daunting. It is one of the scariest things that I have ever had to come to terms with. But I did, because I had to. Because I knew the life I was living was not the life I wanted or DESERVED. I deserved so much more than what I allowed myself at 307lbs. So I started slowly. I started by surrounding myself with positive people and having fun while losing weight. The pounds started shedding and soon the amount I had left didn't seem quite as daunting.

The point is, as scary as it was... it was not unattainable... and it was soooo worth it. As scared as I was to go to that first class at Slimmons... as petrified as it was to step on that scale again... and as frightening as it was to tell friends what I was trying to do again --- in the end it was all SO WORTH IT.

So why wouldn't these next 20lbs be worth it? Won't it be just as satisfying to walk away from the candies at work and walk towards the park for a 3 mile run. Will it be as great to get off the couch on the weekends and head towards the hills for a hike? Won't it be great to be full because I am eating leaner, healthier foods and cooking again?!

The answer... YES. Yes it will! It will be amazing. It will be new and exciting and different.

And let me tell you, when I lose these next few pounds and get under 200lbs (for the first time since I was a child) it will feel amazing. I will do a happy dance the entire day. I will shout from a rooftop my success! I will sing the entire day... in the car, in the shower, on the pot, in the grocery store. I will have so many more amazing memories because I accomplished something that was scary. It is so worth every cookie I give up and every calorie I burn! I am worth it!!

I will not let this fear stop me any longer. I determine my own happiness and I am not going to let anyone or anything stop me. Not even myself.

Get 'er done!!!!!!!

Love, LOVE and MORE LoVe!!!!!!!!!!!

Body Image

Body image. Image of body. Of image body... this is me trying to figure out how the fuck I am going to explain what I want to --- without sounding like a whiney idiot. But, I realize by switching around three words I just sound like even more of an idiot. Maybe not quite as whiney. Definitely just special.

Still stalling.

How do I explain this...?

Let's start with today. That's the easiest way, I suppose.

Today... I don't like my body. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. I feel stuck. I am tired of being this size. I want to be at goal. I feel like a fat girl again. I look in the mirror and analyze how much more I have to lose and it makes me fucking bummed. Like... seriously bummed. I have lost 100lbs! 100... mother fucking... l-b-'s! That's a lot. I have worked really hard and yet... I still feel like the fat girl. I am still insecure. I still worry about sizes, and where or if, I will be able to find a dress I want. I can't share clothes with my girlfriends. I can't borrow some guys sweater and have it be so big I drowned in it --- thereby I happen to look adorable and the guy gets all smitten with me and asks me out on a nice, normal, date. He might even open my door and not try to stick his tongue down my throat right away --- but I digress...

The point is... well I suppose I don't really have a point. I know where I want to be and I am not there and it fucking sucks.

I want to be done with this!!!! And the saddest part of this is that I will never be done. I will never be done working out and eating right and walking regularly. This has become my fucking lifelong job. And THAT fucking sucks. Don't get me wrong... I love the workouts, the dancing, the feeling after I finish running a mile without stopping... I enjoy those things. But the battle with the scale will be never ending. My food addiction is never ending. I will always have cravings and I will always want to order my Indian food and eat ice cream when I have a cold or am having a bad day. I will always have to fight these instincts that are so engrained in me that it KILLS me. Sometimes I just want to rip out that part of my brain... the part that LOVES FOOD! I dunno which lobe that is... but that lobe is an ASSHOLE.

I cried to my mother today while walking back to work. Didn't even know how sad it was really making me... just looking for a dress for a specific event. Not only do I have NO MONEY to buy such a dress... but I tried on a size 14 dress of my friend's and it didn't fit! My boobs wouldn't fucking fit! It made me feel sick... it makes me want to throw up... not in the bulemic way... but in the GENUINELY sick of this kinda way. I tried on another size 14 dress and it zipped but my boobs were squashed and I might not be able to breathe because of it!

Some of you might be thinking to yourself, "Well, you have big boobs... boo fucking hoo" well--- I don't want big boobs that make me a size 14 or larger! I want to be a size 10 already! I want the hourglass figure that will make me feel sexy and luscious. I want the arms that don't continue to wave at you after I already said "hello". I want a stomach that is soft but doesn't move when I jump up and down. I want to wear tank tops and strapless dresses and NOT feel like I have to wear a cardigan over it. I want to just be there and be happy.

FUCK!!!!!!!!

Before I get any responses to this post please know that I am proud of myself. I am not giving up and I know, eventually, I will get there. I also know that the size battle is kinda lame. Someone can be a size 2 and have to buy a size 8 at certain stores. I get that. The anger and hurt and frustration comes from the fact that I have worked so hard to get away from plus size that it is a mind fuck when I have to go back. It makes me feel wretched. People who have never battled weight will never understand that. Ever. Walk a day in my shoes and you will understand. Better yet, try being a size 24 and getting down to a 12/14 and then having to buy something in a size 16... it. is. fucked. up.

So... my body image is a bit fucked up, as you can see. I suppose it comes with the territory. I suppose I am going to have bouts of anger and depression. I suppose this all comes with the fact that this is the hardest challenge of life, up to this point.

I really want to end this on a positive note... but for the first time I am totally unsure of how to do that. Maybe you can walk away from this knowing that if you are going through the same thing, if you are unhappy with your body or where you are at in life, that you are not alone. It is a struggle and heartache... the most important thing is to look back and remember the good. To take in the journey from where you started. Maybe then we will realize how worth it the struggle is.

So... on that note--- I am going to go look at some old pictures and read some old posts. Then, after work, I'm gonna go workout. I'm gonna have a healthy dinner and get some good sleep. And tomorrow will be a better and healthier day.

Love, love and more love!!!

Pretty Face

I think the most dreaded compliment for a few women, besides myself, is the "You have such a pretty face" deelio. I understand the underlying sentiment, but I will tell you- when you say that to any girl the automatic thought is, "So the rest of me is ugly?!"

It's totally ridiculous, I know. But it is a genuine thought.

You see, when I was seriously overweight, I always thought that I was looked at in a different light than everyone else. When someone would tell me my face was pretty and leave out the rest of me, I felt justified in feeling like this. It sucked.

Last night an agent that I have met thru classes came and said something extremely insulting to me. He grabbed my face, mentioned I had lost more weight and said "There is a pretty girl just waiting to come out... just beneath the surface" my response to this was probably the same as any of yours would have been - feeling like the wind got knocked out of me, stuttering that I didn't know how to feel about that followed by the thoughts, "I am ugly right now" over and over and over again. It was painful.

Let me tell you, I haven't had the best week body image- wise. It's a lot to get used to still. I met some guy who was obsessed with my body and my looks, which was nice at first, but then made me feel like the insecure fat girl, like all he saw was my body. Whether he liked what he saw or not, it made me uncomfortable.

So I wasn't feeling to hot to start. At the same time, yesterday was better, and I went to class looking good, feeling good. Then that. Those shitty ass words that fucked up my mind.

When am I going to be enough for people?! When am I going to be more than just a "pretty face"? When am I going to be JUST PRETTY!?

To be fair to this clueless gentleman- he did continue with how pretty my face is how stunning my eyes are and... yea... but the damage was done. I also understood what he was saying. He was coming from an industry "type" perspective. I know the reason I am struggling to get auditions right now, or find an agent, is because I am a very pretty girl in an average body. There is no such thing as average in my age range. For the most part.

Having said that... I have no desire to be a leading lady. I have no desire to compete with the 10, or so, leading ladies of Hollywood and 1,000's of other gorgeous girls! It's not the route I want my career to go. I want to follow Allison Janey and Joan Cussak... I want to be an "every woman" who happens to be curvy and vivacious and sexy and beautiful and FUNNY and vulnerable! That is the career I am striving for... and I don't have to be a size 2 to do that!

Moral of the story is this... fuck, I don't know! Don't use the "pretty face" line on anyone. Seriously. Just tell them they are pretty, because that's what they are. There are no exceptions to beauty. We are all different and all beautiful in our own way. Cheesy... yes? True... also yes! There is something wonderful about being unique, it is what makes beauty timeless. There is nothing wrong with you, or me, or any of us. We are all different and all special.

I am losing weight for me. For my health and my self esteem. I will decide what size I want to be. I will not lose weight to fit into a mold unless I want to. This is my body and I am not going to let any agent tell me who they think I should be!

I AM ENOUGH!!!

Fuckin Scale...

Yea... that's right. I said it. Fucking Scale.

There really isn't a way to say the word "scale" without "fucking" or any other obscenity in front of it. I don't know anyone who likes the scale. Even when I hit my goal weight I won't like the scale! Because when I retain water and that jolly little 3 digit SOB number crawls up 2-3 lbs I will flip out and curse and hop off the scale like it has some sort of fucking weight gaining virus!

Now... the funny part of the battle with the "Fucking scale" is that I step on it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

That's right... every morning, after I wake up- before I eat breakfast- and after I empty my bladder (you're welcome) I get on that scale in my birthday suit and pray that the number has dropped.

This is a, relatively, healthy way to weigh yourself.

The problem is... it doesn't stop there. I will then weigh myself after I eat breakfast, after I work out, before bed & always when it is that time of the month and I feel like a heifer! I do it when I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am going to weigh more. Why do I have such a sick obsession?!? WTF is wrong with me?!?

Most of the time I can write off these numbers, I know why it is higher than it was in the morning... but sometimes it kills me. And yet, I still do it.

It's like this wicked little addictive habit that I just can't quit. I can't quit you ASSHOLE SCALE!!!

The good news is, my number is lower than it has been... almost ever. That I remember.

The bad news is, I am sick of it. It makes the journey much less fun when I obsess over a number.

I keep visualizing hiding it under my sink and only pulling it out once a week. But then I think, "What if I am retaining more water on that day than the day before... or the day before that..." and I never put it away.

The one time I did lean it against the wall (still in site JIC I got the craving) my dog knocked it over while running into the bathroom (no, he's not THAT potty trained) which just happened to turn it on... so I couldn't NOT step on it. I mean, Moses went to all that trouble to turn it on. It would be a waste of the battery. And it would be bad for the environment... and walls would crumble... and the end of the world would come sooner than we thought!!!!!!!!

Or maybe I am just fucking crazy over the fucking scale.

Richard always talks about how it is just a tool. We shouldn't be scared of it, or hate it, because it is just a tool that we use to get where we need to be. After all, the scale doesn't make me eat too much chocolate at work. Or drink more than my one diet dr. pepper. Or even make me chillax too much on my walking. It is just honest with me. Maybe that is what I am addicted to... the honesty of my progress. As opposed to how I used to hide from the scale. Hide from the absolute truth that I was dangerously overweight.

I am proud of myself every day. I need to be. But when I abuse this tool, just like anything else... it makes me unhappy. Obsession is not just a pretty perfume... it's a pain in the arse!

So in the end, I need to cut back on the number of times I step on the scale. I would rather go by my measurements.

For those who don't know, my ideal body type is Christina Hendricks... who is all sorts of woman! I think she is soooo sexy and has the body of a goddess. I hope I can get to the desired shape, but I know everyone isn't built the same...

36-32-36.... that's the goal for now.

When I get there... watch out! I am gonna be super sexified! Full sexual makeover!!!!

Anyways, moral of the story is I don't need to obsess over the number. I need to work on the inches.

However, when I lose 7 more LBS I am going to flippin' freak out! I will finally be under 200lbs... that's right I am at 207 right now... I can, honestly, not remember the last time I was under 200lbs. What a friggin' accomplishment that will be for me!!! It's sooooo exciting. EEEE!

In the end, if this helps anyone at all I will be happy. Just know that the scale is nothing to be scared of. The result of not taking care of yourself is. Just do it once a week. Once a week, or twice a month and be honest with yourself about what direction your health is headed.

I wasted so much time being unhappy about my weight... take the step in the right direction- the direction that makes you happy with yourself and your body.

The scale is our friend... just don't make it your best friend (the bastard)

Love, love & more LOVE!!!!!

Celebration!!!!

It's the best word in the dictionary, if you ask me!

This weekend I spent my time celebrating my success. Sometimes this is hard to do. I had trouble wanting the focus to be on me for my big loss. Its not that I don't like hearing the positive feedback... it's more that I worry that I will fail them. There is also that small part of me that still feels like people will look at me and think to themselves, "She's still fat"... which is the worst part of it all. I am not where I want to be yet, but this weekends celebration made me realize that I am happier than I have ever been. Ever.

I spent the weekend with my friends and their non stop positive love and pride. It made me feel so good.

I started off Saturday morning with a group of my friends coming to Slimmons- many for the first time. While I was dancing and singing with the music, I turned around and looked at all of their smiling faces... I nearly started crying right there. Right in the middle of my leg lifts I was going to turn into a wet blanket. I was so happy. I just thought to myself, "Look at where this journey has taken me in a little over a year" I am happy, I am healthy, I am 100lbs lighter & I have a wonderful group of people behind me who came here to support ME. That is amazing. That is the best gift anyone could ever ask for. I was elated. I could have taken over the world in that moment. It was so special. It's hard to explain in text just how happy I was, just how special this group of people made me feel... OY I am gettin' all V'Klempt!

I still managed to get a little embarrassed when Richard shouted out my weight loss in front of everyone. It's not that I am ashamed of it, it was just that little voice in the back of my head again. It's so funny, I love the spotlight. You all know this. I fucking LOVE it. But when it comes to my weight loss I am still getting used to all of this new attention I get. Every look, every email, every time someone uses the word "Inspirational" I am not too sure how to respond. It take some getting used to... but I will ;)

After some delicious lunch and preparation it was time to head over to our Awesome 80's Beach Bash that my friend Katie K. and I planned!!

We were organized into teams by neon color and dressed to fucking IMPRESS!!! My team was HOT PINK and we rocked the shit out of our colors. It was bad ass.

When we walked over to the beach to start the game, I was giving everyone the rules when Schiavo stopped me and gave a little speech about us being here for ME and how proud they were of me. Everyone cheered, I turned red and had to force myself not to cry like a little bitch. If I couldn't express it in that moment, then just know- It made me feel amazing. I felt so special and loved and proud of myself and of the friends I have made. I fucking LOVE you guys!!!

The games commenced and the debauchery was in full force. The Venice boardwalk was in full support, shouting out "TEAM PINK!" and offering help to everyone. It couldn't have been a better location. The night turned out to be a HUgE success. Everyone had fun, there was not a time when everyone wasn't laughing about some mission they had just accomplished. Team Pink even managed to sing Journey with an accordion player on the street. How fucking rad is that?!?!

We ended at the bar, with Green Team taking home the win and buying everyone shots. Got another special toast from my boys and the partying ensued with many laughs and many memories... and many parts of the night I do not remember :)

The day was perfect. I couldn't have asked for anything better. There, of course, were a few people I wish could have been there... but it was a celebration to the max!

I felt it in the morning. Hangovers suck. Usually they are worth it though, and in this case it was worth every ounce of pain I felt.

I may be insane, but I still went to my 2 hour ZUMBA master class. I already paid for the ticket and I would have felt like shit if I had celebrated my success with alcohol and then not worked out because I got too drunk!! So I still went. It was fun, but not as enjoyable as it should have been. I felt and looked like death. Death with a hangover. Death with a hangover who was sweating vodka and tequila shots. It was disgusting. I was disgusting. BUT, I stuck it out and danced the whole way thru. I immediately went home and sat in hot water for a good 30 minutes, ate way too much Indian food (totes not on my diet plan, but mama needed some CARBS) watched True Blood and passed out by 9:45.

All in all it was the perfect weekend.

I laughed, I cried, I danced, I sweated, I drank & by God I CELEBRATED.

Thank you all for your love and support. This is a battle not easily won. It is so amazing to me the friends that I have in my corner. Fighting right along side me.

I have been told by many people that I am an "Inspiration". Well, I will accept this as long as you all know that you inspire me every single day. Every time you work out with me, laugh with me, encourage me, show me strength I am inspired again. I could not have done it without you. I love you all with all of my heart.

Let's keep on truckin' to that next goal!!!!!!

Love, love and more LOVE

XOXOXO!

The Future

With all these new, positive, changes in my life it is so much fun to think about "What's next?!"

As most of you have read, I have been pushing myself to try new things. Participate in things that even scare me.

I have learned so much about myself. I know that most of what I am afraid of I have done myself, and life isn't worth living if we don't push ourselves to the limits.

Being afraid is such a thrill. It reminds us that we are alive, that we are human.

Now, let's not get it twisted... I will, more than likely, never be jumping out of a plane. However, I do want to push myself even farther and start planning what I want to do before I die.

Don't look at me like that.

Life is fragile, I could be gone tomorrow... it can happen in the blink of an eye and I don't want to wish I did something/said something that I had always dreamed of. "I WANT TO LIVE!!!!" (THAT'S AUNTIE MAME... OF COURSE)

So, I have started thinking about things I want to accomplish in the next year...

1. Reach my goal weight (which is my comfort weight, because I know longer have a number I am shooting for)

2. Ride a roller coaster... my girlfriends will be the first to tell you I FREAK out about them. But the one time I went on one, I LOVED it... and then couldn't get back on. So it's time for me to feel the free fall again. THEN decide if I hate it.

3. Fly a plane.... I want to take a flying lesson SOOOOO bad!!!!!! This needs to happen!

4. Go on a vacation to somewhere I have never been.

5. Wear something really SEXY!!! I want to feel like the hottest chick in the room!

6. See as many live music performances as my wallet permits.

7. Go sailing!!!!!

8. Learn a new dance technique... I've got Burlesque recently- so what's next??!

9. Take professional boxing lessons!!!! I cannot wait to spar with someone and learn the technique!

So that is my "This year I will take some chances and do this shit" bucket list...

I am excited about it. I'm sure more ideas will pop in my head. But for now it is just good to be aware and realize... I can do absolutely anything with my life. I have to take advantage while I can!!!

Love, love, and more love!!!!

Sexual Healing

I am having so much fun.

Seriously. Like... epic amounts of good times. Being thinner is way easier than being big. It was like I was in a world that didn't respect me, wasn't made for me, and didn't want me. While this is not totally true- it's what it felt like 95lbs ago.

I have been pushing myself to try new things. To embrace life in this new body.

It is always funny to me that most people didn't know how insecure I was.

Well, let me tell you- I hated my body. I didn't like looking in the mirror. I had, honestly, NEVER felt SEXY. Isn't that sad? Being trapped in a body that makes you feel like you're a running joke.

I might have been sexy to some people. In fact, I know I was. But I never FELT sexy.

What a feeling I have been missing...

Now I feel like a woman. I am no longer a big blob of skin. I have curves- that are kickin' ;)

I have a waist and breasts and and ASS, and it is fucking fantastic.

I like looking at myself now. Sometimes I still catch my reflection and get a little upset- but I beat that feeling to a pulp as quick as I can and move on.

I just never knew how hard it would be to embrace and accept this new body.

You'd think, after all these years, of never feeling comfortable in my own skin (that's 25 years people!) that I would be all about it- flaunting it at every turn as soon as I got it. But no. That is just now how it works. Or at least not how I am programmed.

Which is why I have to push myself.

I have to try on clothes I never would have tried on before. I have to dress myself up more. I have to take risks and do things I would have never dared to try 95lbs ago...

In the last month I decided to go to some open calls for plus size modeling (still being considered plus size while I have been working so hard is a bit of a shitter but it's the nature of the beast). I was super embarrassed to admit it. I felt like a joke. See, the thing is I know I am "pretty" but because of my lack of feeling "Sexy" I thought I was crazy for doing this.

I have had so many years in front of the camera- being funny. Funny. Not sassy, or beautiful, or SEXY but funny. So when the camera comes on I have no idea wtf to do. Which is why I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and EMBRACE my body. EMBRACE my sex appeal and OWN my sexuality. Easier said than done. But I am so happy I am doing it.

The modeling thing is still a little rough for me to delve into- it's such a shallow industry and I just don't think I will enjoy it. But I am still going to try. I am going to build my confidence by doing things I never would have dared to do.

Last night I went to a Burlesque dance class. All on my own. It was sooooo fun. Zumba has helped me begin to loosen up, Rock my curves and bring out the sex on the dance floor. I absolutely LOVE dancing now because of ZUMBA. Well, there was no class last night so I decided to try something new. Burlesque sounded right up my alley.

I LOVE Burlesque. I'm sure you do too. In fact, I don't know any men or women who don't find it to be the biggest turn on. It's just one big strip tease. Fucking insanely HOT. So I thought this would be a good mix for me. Spice it up a bit and bring out more of my sexuality.

Initially I was a little uncomfortable, all the women were regulars and knew each other. But I wouldn't let it show. I was going to do this and have fun!

We started with a lot of core work and stretching... many sit-ups. Then we walked all sexy across the floor- added spins. THEN we had to free style it across the floor. We could use the bars, the floor, the walls- whatever we wanted- all we had to think about was SEX. I was a little flustered but managed to put on my brave face and work the room- using my faithful shimmy in the process. That was when one of the women said to me, "Don't close your eyes. Look in the mirror, you look sexy"... WHAT?! My eyes were fucking closed!!! I didn't even realize that, once again, I was scared to look at myself. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! But it was so hard, moving in a sexual way- not making a joke of it- and watching yourself in the mirror as if you are seducing a lover. It is not easy. So throughout the rest of the class, learning the routine, I made a point of trying to watch myself dance. It was hard. Taking my eyes off the HOT instructor made it harder ;) But I did manage to look at myself throughout some of it. And damn it, if I didn't look good!!!!

I had such a blast. Dancing in a way that celebrated being a woman and being SEXUAL was something I had never done and never thought I'd do. Now that I have... well- let's just say I am doing double workouts next Wednesday- start with Burlesque and end with Zumba!!

To sum up this post, let me just say I think it is so important that women embrace their sexuality and sensuality. This does not mean going out and sleeping around, but owning their bodies. We should all feel confident in what we've got. We should work what we've got. Women are blessed with breasts and hips and curves and we have to own it for ourselves. For our own self confidence. Not for any other man or woman, but for us. For me. I want to OWN my sexuality and feel comfortable and confident in my skin for the rest of my life. That is such a gift... one that I am just starting to unwrap!!

XOXO!!!

I really wish they had a happier word to describe the terrible physical and emotional state this puts us in. Like- "deedildy", because if we all said "I am so deedildy today" we would break out into laughter and the STRESS would subside a bit.

Alas, today is not the day for a word change.

This week has been filled with some stressful times. I hate that. I have so much to look forward to and be happy about and that is when life throws us that unexpected curveball... FUCK!

It started this weekend with my car. Took it in to get an oil change and see why my check engine light was on. Thats when the crooks over at Firestone called back with a $2000 estimate to fix a slew of misfires I do not understand. My car has over 111,000 miles on it- 2 G's is way too much to invest in something that could break down on me in another year. So... I spent the weekend worrying about a possible future car payment and weather or not I would be able to afford being an actor for the time being. Ech. Gross right? All during the weekend.

Luckily, my parentals were in town and they made me feel much better about the situation... which when I took it to my car into my mechanic on Monday turned out to be much less of a problem... about $1000 less :)

Which brings me to late Monday night.

My mother and father are not healthy, my brother too. In fact I would even venture to say we are all codependent in our addiction to food. It's really bad. Anyways, I have been really proud because my mom started taking water aerobics classes at her fitness club a few times a week. I could have jumped for joy when I found out- and she seemed to be enjoying it! My father has been making an effort to walk more each day as well. These may seem like small things to some people, but they are HUGE in my family. I was so happy to hear they were attempting to move, instead of sit in front of the TV and eat food either at odd hours or ALL DAY. The smallest steps lead to the biggest ones and I thought to myself, "Maybe they are finally gonna get healthy"... please keep in mind- and I told them this as well- I don't care about how they look. They are the most beautiful people in the world... inside and out... but I KNOW if they don't lose at least 20% of their body weight- they are in big trouble.

Anywho... despite this small change I just found out my mother has adult on-set diabetes. Meaning- she gave it to herself! My father was in this boat as well... but with his medications he thinks it doesn't matter. So here I am, getting healthy... living a beautiful new life... while my parents are continuing in the killing of their bodies and GIVING themselves diabetes!

I cannot express enough how much it hurts. There are people sick, I mean really sick, with cancer; diabetics who would give anything to not be afflicted with this disease on a daily basis, and here are my parents- who are fully aware of their actions- mistreating their bodies and giving themselves these terrible illness'! WTF?!?!?!??!?!!

Back to Monday night... my mom has been sick. She has been retaining so much water that it is in her lungs, and they were worried it was in her heart. Mind you... both of her parents suffered from massive heart attacks... can you see why I would worry? She just up and decides not to go to her water aerobics class. Just like that. Like a fucking rebellious teenager- she just doesn't go. So I tell my dad, who said it bothered him that she didn't go, to take her to the club and go in the pool with her. He didn't do it. He watched the game instead.

So, needless to say Tuesday morning I was upset. I hate that all this is happening to her and she is still refusing to do anything about it- like if she ignores it it will just go away. So I wrote an email to Richard, asking his advice and as I was hitting the send button I got a call from my mom's best friend Bonnie.

I was supposed to drive out to surprise my mom in SD, where she was going to visit her BF for her 60th birthday, yesterday. Needless to say, Bonnie called to tell me she wasn't coming. She was getting very dizzy and needed to go to the doctor. When I heard I flipped. I had a meltdown. Exactly 13 months ago, to the day, my mother was in the hospital for a possible heart attack. What in the hell is it going to take for her to start taking care of herself?!?

I talked to Bonnie and cried. Stepped out of work and just told her everything I was feeling. How mad I am at them for doing this. How mad I am for them making me feel like my concerns were not legitimate... it's all because I have OCD... how worried I am that I am not going to have able parents in a few years time and what that is going to do to my whole family. It just sucks. Watching your parents abuse themselves and getting mad at me when I try to express my concerns. I LOVE them. I don't want to hurt their feelings... it's not about being "Fat" it's about being HEALTHY. Call me selfish, but I want them here to meet their grandchildren.

So, now my mom is in the hospital. On her 60th birthday.

I can only hope that, maybe, this is the time. This is it. This is when they will both make an effort to get healthy. But I am running out faith. Until they decide to do it for themselves. Until they really decide that their life is about more than just FOOD... until then it's going to be a vicious cycle that I have no idea how to separate my feelings from. I love them too much.

Ugh.

You know what else pisses me off?? It sends ME into depression- which makes me want to eat. The first thing I think of when I get really sad is chocolate. No joke. Then I have to remind myself how stupid that is! She is in the hospital because she doesn't take care of herself and if I step back I will be in her shoes. Well, no FUCKING THANKS!!!!

On my 60th birthday I want to be out celebrating on a beach... or in the mountains with my loves ones. I am not committing myself to an early grave or a wheelchair. I am making a commitment to myself, right here and now, that I am going to live a long and healthy life and I am going to experience everything I can and should.

I know she will be OK today. I just really want them both to think about tomorrow. Please mom and dad, if you ever listen to anything I say, please let it be this ...

I love you with all my heart and soul. You are my parents and friends. I need you in my life for as long as you are able. I want nothing more than for you to see all the things you want to see, do all the things you want to do. Please don't decide to check out early... because if you don't take care of yourself, if you choose this lifestyle, then that's exactly what you are doing. It is possible, you can do it. The only thing standing in your way is you.

I love you.

100

I like that number. It's a good one. Nice and round and large... and it's what I will have lost after 16 more pounds!

I have been looking back at old posts, I think it's important to remember the journey, and I am totally baffled by how far I have come. It's so exciting!!!

I mean, I have almost lost 100 lbs!!!! That's a backstreet boy!

I am so proud of myself. Yes, that is right... I am proud of me.

It's such a strange and exciting place to be. I am sitting here, at work, and my legs are curled up in my chair. I have plenty of room on either side of me, and I am wearing pants that are 5 sizes smaller. This happened. I have done it... not done with it, but I have changed my life in the best of ways.

Little things have changed for me...

When I go sit in booths now I no longer get scared that I won't fit or my boobs will be sitting on the table.

My clothes are easier to pack for trips!

I can cross my legs!

My back doesn't hurt me on a daily basis.

I feel sexy!

None of my old clothes fit- which is also a pain in the ass! :)

I make it thru an entire workout and still want to move.

I don't sleep the day away anymore!

I can shop anywhere!!!!!!!

I don't feel like the ugly girl anymore - but this one still needs some work on certain occasions.

I am excited to fly and see how big the seatbelt is on me now!

These are such exciting small victories that have me giggling at random points throughout my day. I am LOVING this!

I also wore a tank top to the gym for the past two weeks. Anyone who knows me, knows this is a huge feet. The arms don't get as small as easily and I am very insecure about it. BUT I am doing it to keep myself motivated AND because the tanks show off the waist I have earned way more than my over-sized t-shirts.

I am coming into a body that I have never known, and instead of being scared of it, I am now sooooo ready for it. It's exciting. I think it might take some getting used to- I might need friends to force me to try on things I never would have chosen because I couldn't... but I am READY for it. I am ready to really find myself. I have been hiding for way too long.

When I hit the 100lbs mark I have decided I am going to celebrate. It is going to start with a party at Slimmons and end with a night of dancing and laughter with friends! The same way I started is the way I want to commemorate my achievements!

I will let you all know when this is going to happen. I have 16lbs... could be a month- or even two... but it is happening before my year mark!

I love, love, love you all! I am worth it and you are too!!!! Get everything you want and deserve in this life, because we only get one!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for being there for me!!!!!! XOXOXOXO

Venting

Sometimes I just need to say things.

Put them down on paper- or type them into the world wide web space- so they can float around there and not in my head.

Some things are bothering me recently.

For one thing, I like someone. I haven't "liked" anyone in a really long time. This is a problem.

At first, it's fun. Crushing is entertaining and exciting, however when I start to like someone it's a different story.

I automatically put myself in the "friend zone" and feel not good enough. WTF?! I have been working on myself and I know I am worth everything I want and as soon as I start liking someone I am not good enough for him?!

PLEASE... someone tell me where this insanity comes from!?? Is it from the Disney movies or TBS or from MTV? Give me someone to blame for my behavior... besides me!

I feel good about myself more often than not but I am still, somehow, not good enough for the guy that I want. Interesting. Shitty. Awful. Gross.

I need to take a leap.

The truth is, I am tired of being single. I explained this to my girlfriends recently- most have been in serious committed relationships- I have, basically, been single for 25 years. Yea! That's a long time. I have never fallen in love, had flowers sent to me, had someone to cuddle with and tell me I am beautiful in the morning- with no makeup on. Sounds sad doesn't it? It FEELS sad.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I was ready for a relationship until now. Because for the last 24 years I have been taking care of everyone else. Everyone's feelings came before mine. God forbid I would have gotten into a serious relationship then... it was bad enough being in some friendships with that low of self esteem. So, in the end I am happy that I have been single and mingling (some of the time), but that doesn't make me any less lonely right now.

When is it my turn? Isn't it about time someone makes me feel special? I don't think I am asking for much...

Requirements for a guy:

At least as tall as me.

FUNNY.

Loves watching movies.

Watches- or plays- sports.

Likes my dog.

Treats me kindly.

Allows me to be a geek.

Is a geek.

Supports me in my crazy career.

Not CLINGY!

See - not asking for much! My criteria are not crazy, I think they are like what most women hope for. So why is that so hard to find? Granted, I haven't been looking until recently. Online dating doesn't count. I haven't met anyone I have been interested in thru it... some nice guys- but it's too hard to do it that way.

Any advice?!? I am totally asking web space because I am not posting this on my FB telling people to read it!

I just wish someone gave me Dumbledore's wand and I could wave it and make everything I want to happen, happen. And yes... I did just reference Harry Potter- SUCK IT!

I know it is the journey that has made me who I am today. People like me. I like me... so I am happy with experiencing the happy and sad times. But I am tired of feeling undesirable. I am tired of allowing one guys lack of interest in me affect me. I am sick of dreaming of what it is like to have someone tell you they love you. I am bored with looking for men in a bar or out on the town.

I think it's my turn now!

Fucking Men!!!!!!

Realization

Hello world (probably me and 1 or 2 others)!!!

It's been a few months since my last post and things are moving right along.

Life moves fast. Anyone else notice this? Seriously though... it's flippin' May already and I don't know about you but WTF happened to April??!

So- to slow my roll a bit and look back at what HAS happened will be challenging, but doable.

For starters my workouts have increased. I am now doing Zumba 2X a week (depending on the week of course) and Slimmons 2X a week. I L-O-V-E my Zumba classes! The instructor is awesome and the dance moves are super sexy and fun and I burn tons of calories!! It's been a good change in my routine. It works my core in a very specific way so I notice my curves getting .... dare I say it... curvier! LOVES it!!

I have also been taking an audition technique class at Gray Studios! It feels so good to be acting again- even if just in a class. As you all know, my job is very time consuming and I was starting to go a little insane without any sort of creative outlet... not to mention ZERO auditions... so being in class has boosted my drive again.

We are having a showcase at the end of the month so, hopefully, I will land another agent that will really work for me. Cross your fingers!!

I just got back from a FANTASTIC road trip with my best friend Candi!!! I had one of the best vacations ever... not that any other was less than- it's more that there was no pressure. Just excitement to have a great time and SEE places we had never seen before! I really have nothing i would do differently, which is hard to say... ever. Wait a tic- not true- I would totally bring another sweater and GLOVES because it was definitely snowing like a BIATCH (yes, biatches snow all the time... WHAT?!)

But beyond the snow we just shared a lot of laughs and a lot of amazing scenery... and alcohol. :)

My appearance on QVC was canceled just yesterday. I was a little bummed... but in the end I think it is OK.

In the first place I was nervous to do the show and not be at my goal weight yet. I was excited to celebrate what I have accomplished and maybe help other people start their journey to good health, but I am not where I want to be quite yet.

So in the end it's OK.

I also didn't have the money to buy a new dress... lol...

It was the experience I was looking forward to... but if they decide to bring back Cinderella stories you will see me on QVC with Richard!

My wonderful boss asked me yesterday how far I am to my goal weight and I was super stoked when I realized I am only 40lbs away! Like... holy shit! When did that happen... lol.

It's crazy to think of how far I have come.

I am developing this body that I am so unfamiliar with and I am feeling so good in! It's awesome, and scary, and amazing all at once. I haven't been as light as I am now since my senior year of HS and that is something crazy. Not to mention the landmark I haven't been at since 8th grade that I will talk more about when I drop another 10lbs (gotta save some for the next blog)

It's crazy... and I am really proud of myself. I have had my share of setbacks, but for the most part I have been on track. I feel too good to go back. I even feel, dare I say it... SEXY. Yea, that's right- I feel SEXY!!!!!! It is a wonderful feeling...

So that about sums it up. I work out a lot, keep busy with work and class and friends, and have been enjoying life with some vacation time.

In conclusion: This year rocks!

Love love love you all!!!!!! XOXOXOXOXO

New Year - New Me

Happy 2010 everybody!!!!

What an amazing ride this last year has been. I have grown so much, had so many ups and downs, and I will gladly call 2009 one of my greatest. A lot of shit went down, but I have finally learned to take care of myself emotionally & physically... and that is more important than anything else. If I don't have that my life is not really being lived.

I went to Israel!!!! It was one of the most memorable experiences of my life. I saw ancient ruins, floated in the dead sea, climbed the Golan Heights, witnessed Jerusalem on Shabbat, came in contact with the most amazing young soldiers, and made friends that I will never forget. I cannot wait to go back. 

The craziest thing is I might not have gone if I wouldn't have made these changes in my life. I might not have seen the top of the Golan Heights, or the waterfalls, or climbed rock walls, or made it to the top of Massada, or down the Snake Path if I hadn't taken a chance on myself and changed my lifestyle. 

I have to tell you, when I reached the top of the Golan Heights, and I was sitting on a boulder looking out at what I had just accomplished I almost began to cry. I never would have seen that view, or felt that breeze, 6 months ago. I felt amazing. I felt like God was with me... I wished my family and friends could be with me. That hike meant so much more to me than just some pretty walk- it was a blessing- that I had to earn- for all of my accomplishments. 

I am so happy, even thinking about that feeling I had brings tears to my eyes.

Now I cannot wait to see what else the world has in store for me... what other magical wonders I might not have seen that I will see now. 

It really is unbelievable... but I have changed my life for the better.

I no longer depend on my friends or family for my source of happiness... I depend on me--- the friends and family are my added bonus ( and what a wonderful bonus they are).

So you can see I am starting off my 2010 with a bang! I have lost 56 pounds now and I couldn't be happier! I keep getting compliments from people I hardly know about how great I look. It feels awesome. Not to mention I found out I have a dimple on my cheek... who knew?!?!

Good News: I am going to be doing QVC in April with Richard!! I am sooo excited and it is going to be a great short term goal for me! I am shooting for 80 pounds by then, and I know I can do it!!!!

The new year is looking bright and I can do nothing but hope the same for all of you!

I love, love, love you!!