Growing up...

Ugh... I don't wanna grow up, and you can't make me!!!!

I am at that point in my life where I feel very "in between" everything. Some of you will probably identify with how I am currently feeling. I think everyone goes through it, just at different ages. Right now all I can think is-- "I am getting older"

OLDER.

I know you are shaking your heads right now-- I AM only 26. I know I have many years to get where I want to be. But right now, I am not headed in any specific direction. This is the problem with trying to be an actress. Even when I am working, I will always... ALWAYS... be looking for more work. I will never be settled and completely comfortable. Unless of course I become a star, which would be nice, but I am shooting to be a working actress- and make a living by doing what I am love and am good at.

I am always thinking about what else I can do.

I am not ready to give up what I am most passionate about. One day, if it just isn't working for me, I might venture to a completely different place and just run my own theatre company. But right now, I am where I need to be for how I want to be involved. The problem, of course, comes from working ten hour days doing something I hate while watching others pursue their passions and feel more fulfilled than I have felt in the last 2 years.

I am so blessed to have my job. I love the people I work with. LOVE. I can audition, I am supported, I laugh and I get to make other people happy. That is the best part of my job. When people walk thru the door it makes me happy- really happy- to make them smile. Everyone in this industry takes their jobs so seriously, and I love having the responsibility of putting a smile on their face before they start their day. I know, I know... it's cheesy. But that is what I get from my job. It may not be much, but it is something.

But my job is a job. It is not my career. And while I am not ready to give up trying to make acting my full time gig, I am ready to do something else I am PASSIONATE about. I want to be able to be proud of what I do. When I tell people I am a receptionist at a production company I tend to say it as quick as possible, and follow it up with an excuse. I shouldn't be living a life where I feel the need to excuse myself for my job. I am not doing anything I should be ashamed of! I make a living, I have health insurance and I am fucking productive member of society. The shame comes from me. From my being unhappy and unfulfilled.

So how do I change that?

No, really, if you know tell me!

How in the world do I still pursue my true PASSION and do something that makes me feel good?

I want to get up in the morning and feel excited about what I get to do;

And the one thing that excites me... is helping people. I really do LOVE to help people. I LOVE when I can make a difference in someone's day -- or life.

Which brings me to the conversation I had yesterday with a very dear friend...

She brought up my doing something in the realm of being a motivational mentor of sorts.

This is, oddly enough, something I have been thinking about for the last 6 months. It has been my intention to talk to my inspiration, Richard Simmons, and ask him how I go about even doing this. But... I just felt silly. I am worried that I am not qualified to help people. That I don't have enough life experience, that people will think "Who is this bitch to tell me...?" or that because I am not completely happy with where I am I have no right to try to motivate other people.

BUT... this is not true-- Especially the last. I am and will always be, a work in progress.

I will always be striving to be better, healthier & more knowledgeable until the day I die.

We are all a work in progress.

So if someone can identify with me and my journey, which so many of you have, than why can I not make it a competent part of my every day life? Why can I not make it a part of my work in this life?

Honestly, if the tables were turned on me I would say, "There is no reason. Go for it. Help give a face to those who feel very alone"...

For so long I grew up thinking no one knew how it felt to be overweight. I had the prettiest friends, and even when they struggled with their weight, I thought they were better than I was. I thought I was different. In feeling so different, I felt very alone.

I was not alone.

None of us are.

Somewhere there is someone who can identify with you.

That is why I love being an actress. I love playing a character and having people identify with me. I love allowing someone an emotional response because of some repressed feeling that they see played out on the screen or on the stage. It is beautiful.

You know what I would love to do?

I would love to be able to travel to different High Schools and Middle Schools and share my story. I would love to be able to look at these kids and explain how it felt to hate the body I was in. And then I would love to stand there and tell them how happy I am to be me. I would love to look at them and promise that it gets better, that they are worth it, that no person who is spewing hatred deserves the privilege of ruling their emotions. The only person who really DESERVES that right is you.

It took me way too long to realize that I was giving everyone else control over how I felt about myself... and I have discovered my worth sooner than most do!

I can't think of anything else that would make me happier than sharing my story and helping other people. Wouldn't that be nice?

I'm trying to think of a pitch for a program that I can bring to a few different people.

But I am still scared.

I am still nervous.

I am still unsure of myself in this dream. Can I really make a life out of helping people?

Will I finally wake up and be able to be proud of what I do?

Can I finally find satisfaction in my everyday life?

Do I have what it takes to really motivate and inspire someone?

Gotta figure it out... Wish me luck!!!

Love, LOVE & more LOVE!!!!

Starting Point

I am going to start keep photo evidence of my progress. So here are some photos from yesterday, no judgement please... I had just gotten back from my Zumba Toning class.

I feel good about where I am starting from. I am still so hard on myself, sometimes.

It really stems from frustration and being at this point now for 6 months. But... compare those pictures to the one at the end and I think I look like a fucking rock star (this is not in any way, a reference to Charlie Sheen)!

I will also be taking my measurements. I have the tape, and started to yesterday, but I wanted to make sure I did it from the right points on my body... so I was gonna google it, but then my bathtub was overflowing into my bedroom. True Story. Needless to say, I was distracted by the cleanup. Hey, now my floors are clean. :):)

I am super excited to get to where I want to be. I feel soooooo ready.

Tonight, I am going back to Zumba and kicking some cardio/booty shaking ass!!!

Last night nearly murdered me. We had to do these fucking "Power Jumps" and let me tell you-- this white girl has HOPS! While it hurt after the 2nd round, I was so pumped at my ability to jump so fucking HIGH! I could never have done that a year and a half ago. I could barely walk for extended periods without the worry of my feet swelling. It's moments like these that I have to think about and remember how far I have come. I have so much to be proud of. While everything in my life isn't where I want it to be, I am still a success. I am still working towards my goals. I am still passionate in pursuing my dreams. I am still independent and... I am fucking sensational. Yeah, that's right! I said it... I am awesome! I like myself a whole lot right now...

it's so nice to say that and mean it. You should try it.

The picture below might be me in a Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans box... because my roommate is awesome.

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Time to shake it!!!! Wish me luck...

Love, LOVE, & more LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

Happy

Sometimes it is really hard to just be... happy. It really sucks too, because I genuinely enjoy being happy. I love laughing and smiling for no reason. I love making others laugh and smile and feel good. I still tend to do the latter, because I am a natural caretaker. I love making someone's day by simply being kind. So why is it so hard to do the same for myself.

I have so much to be grateful for right now. I have the most amazing family in the world, I have the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for, I have a roof over my head and a dog that I get to cuddle with on a regular basis... so many things that make me smile. And I am smiling. I am just missing some of the littler things. The little things that most people have experienced already.

I am so ready to meet someone. That's what this is about, in case you haven't already guessed.

I know I am deserving. I love myself. I am ready... and yet it only seems to get harder. And the harder it gets the more I want to throw in the towel. I wont, don't get me wrong. No one needs to tell me what I already know... I'm just kind of bummed. As surrounded as I am by a constant stream love, it is still very easy to feel very lonely.

I hate that I feel lonely. I really, really hate it.

I'm happy on my own. I am happy with the person that I am and the person that I want to become... but now... I'm ready for someone else to make me smile.

It's been a while...

The title of this post says it all.

Not that it is anything new to anyone who follows my blog, but I haven't been keeping you all up to date with my journey.

I feel like I owe you an explanation. Not for you necessarily... sorry... but for my own sanity. My not writing and sharing with all of you has been an act of, what I thought was, self preservation.

Losing weight is hard. Fun fucking fact. That is something that most people don't understand. The reason it hasn't gotten any easier for me is because I am an emotional eater. I am a food addict. I am impulsive, emotional, head strong and impatient. It is for all of these reasons that I have avoided, at all costs, sharing my struggles these last few months.

I have thought about it. I have opened my blog on a few occasions and stared, and thought. I thought about what I could say, how I could motivate and inspire when I can't seem to motivate and inspire myself. And I haven't really wanted help. Because asking for help would be admitting defeat. Is that "Bullshit" I hear trailing from your lips? Well, I agree my friends. It is bullshit. I didn't start this journey on my own, in fact I do not believe that there is a way to lose weight and keep it off in this world completely on your own. I need help and moral support and something pushing me towards my goals. I need people with me, behind me, cheering me on... and I need to be my own biggest cheerleader.

So why have I been absent you ask? Well, I will tell you...

The last time you heard from me I was dealing with a whole lot of changes in my life. I hit my 100lbs weight loss and I became scared. I was now lighter than I can ever remember being. I was getting attention from men that made me uncomfortable... it made me feel objectified and insecure... and yet, it was the kind of attention I had thought that I always wanted.

But the biggest issue I encountered was in my family. My mother went into the hospital and was told there was a mass on her kidney. Never in my life have I been so scared. I have shared with you all how close I am to my parents. How much I wish they would get healthy and live the lives they deserve to live- well into their 80's. All I could think for the next few months was "CANCER"... it was devastating. I wanted to escape, to run and hide. I wanted to scream and cry but I didn't want to give any more power to this sickness than it already had. I was scared to really feel what I was feeling, I had to be strong for my mom and myself. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I fought with my brother, I cried to my friends, and for a very long month I only wanted to hug my mommy.

Luckily, the outcome was better than it ever could have been. She was lucky that they even found the cancer in the first place, it was a miracle really. She had her surgery, removed the tumor and saved her kidney. She is lucky. We are lucky. We are all so blessed.

I should have been able to work through all of that. I should have been able to still focus on my health and feel what I was feeling. But I didn't. I reverted to some very bad old habits of focusing on everyone but myself. And I was so relieved that the worst was over, my mother was declared "Cancer Free" by the best doctors in California, and I didn't have to worry anymore. So I really didn't worry. I relaxed. I just wanted to relax. I didn't want to worry, or think about anything but being worry free! I thought I needed that time to just have some fun and not think about losing weight. However, this is not the case. I was avoiding what I have to do. I knew it too, which is why I never blogged in this time. I never shared what I was feeling or thinking or doing because I was avoiding.

The truth is I was tired. I was tired of having to lose weight. I had lost 100lbs and I still have more to go. It felt like I was running a marathon and hitting my wall. On top of that is this fear that I have of losing the weight that has been both a burden and a kind of shelter for so long. It is scary to really discover a new version of yourself after so many years of being "the big girl"

No one tells you that. I was never prepared to get to a point where losing more weight would be scary. And then there is the failure factor. What if I failed? What if the weight just wasn't coming off? What if I lost the weight and didn't like the way I looked? What if someone looked at me and still put me in a "fat girl" category? Or worst of all--- What if I got to my goal and then I gained it back? There is no escape from that. There is no way to hide when you gain weight. It is there, for everyone to see. Everyone who has loved and supported me, cheered for me or called me "inspirational" would watch me crumble. It scared the shit out of me!

So I "relaxed".

I have been sitting in my own version of purgatory. Not moving forward but teetering within the same 7lbs for the last 3 months. I hate it. It has not been fun for me. I am not happy where I am right now. I am so stagnant that it is hard to remember how far I have come. I should be happy every day with my success, I achieved what many cannot even fathom.

So here it is... since December I have gained 6lbs. Some of you might think I am crazy for worrying about this. But gaining is not an option for me. I have worked too hard to gain any weight back. I have sweated and cried and sacrificed for each pound that has left my ass and joined someone else's! So 6lbs is a big fucking deal. Now, what I cannot do is beat myself up for these 6lbs. Instead I need to start fresh.

I need to be the kick in my own ass and get back to where I was and then continue on to where I want to be. And in doing this I need to remember "why".

I am losing this weight for me, myself, and I... For my health and my happiness... so I will forever respect myself and my accomplishments.

So here are the goals I am setting for myself for all of you (maybe 2 or 3) to be a witness to:

1. Wear tank tops this summer.

2. Reach 120 pound weight loss by August.

3. Control my sweet binges.

4. Run a 10 minute mile.

5. Get representation.

6. Take boxing lessons.

7. Get into a size 10 and never look back.

Thanks for being there with me and for me throughout all of this!

Love, love and MORE LOVE!!!!

XOXO