Old Habits Die Hard

I know, I know... 2 blogs in 2 days after nada for so long!! But I keep having these fantastic realizations and I have to write them down and share them.

When I was very heavy I always apologized for myself. Not so much in the literal sense, but in the sense that I would NEVER defend or allow anyone to stand in my defense when it came to someone being mean to me. For instance, I will NEVER forget the night working at Macaroni Grill and after a long and shitty shift (that was normal) I was sweeping on the outside patio. This was not my station, so I had no contact with these tables prior to going to sweep, and a middle aged man grabbed my arm and asked me if I wanted to try his diet program. I was so taken aback, so hurt that this stranger had the nerve to bring that up, let alone reaffirm how I felt everyone saw me, that I stood there with my mouth wide open and tears brimming in my eyes. He immediately said, "I know, it's hard being big, isn't it?" which was the point in the conversation where I said nothing, turned on my heels and walked straight into the girls bathroom to cry. My friend Jess came into the bathroom and saw me, tried to comfort me, and went to get one of my best friends and her boyfriend (soon to be husband EEEK) Brad to talk to me. He walked right into the womens restroom and asked what happened. When I told him, he immediately asked me what table he was at... and I wouldn't tell him. I wouldn't tell him because I thought he was right. I thought he was right for treating me like that and he was just being a doctor and it's my fault for being this way.

I can't tell you how many times something like this has happened.
I realize that I have been trained to think that there is something wrong with me when someone doesn't like me. I am so quick to place blame on myself over someone else FOR EVERYTHING.
When a guy isn't interested its because I am fat or ugly or just not good enough. My automatic response is soooo self damaging and completely ridiculous. Because the truth is, sometimes things just don't work out. Its not anyones fault, no blame should be placed, and it's just one of those things. It's NOT my fault.

I used to gauge how a guy felt about me based on whether he tried to be physical with me. Until then, I decided he didn't like me. Which, if I am totally honest, led me to being physical or allowing chances to guys who I never should have. And even if I wasn't truly interested in them, if they didn't like me it was always my fault. It was because I am fat. I am wrong. I am bad. I am not worth it.
Excuse me while I laugh maniacally.... HAHHAHAHAHHA FUCKING HAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Here is the truth, and I know it now more than ever...
I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am smart.
I am fun.
I am good enough.

And I sit here, trying not to be angry with myself for allowing those negative thoughts to creep back into my mind on occasion. But, I had 24 years of treating myself less than... I had 24 years of repeating people's hateful comments in my head. I had 24 years of looking in a mirror and HATING what I saw. So, it's ok. It's ok for it to happen on occassion. No one expects me to be perfect all the time. I am confident when it counts, and on those occassions where that little asshole voice speaks up and tells me "It's your fault. You're fate. You're ugly. Can you blame them?" I gotta put myself in check.
I didn't work this hard for anyone else. I did it for me. I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror, now, I see someone beautiful looking back... and I am not going to allow anyone to take that away. ESPECIALLY that little fucking voice.
Bottom line is this---

I can be my own worst enemy... but I would rather be my own best friend and biggest cheerleader!!!

Love, LOVE & More LOVE!!!

Control

A lot has happened since my last blog. I was doing really well this summer, pushing myself hard at the gym. Working on toning everything up, and then I got into a little care accident and it messed with my, already fucked up, back.

Stupid arthritis.

Stupid back.

Stupid food that I PAYED for that I ate in droves that caused me to get so big that I gave myself arthritis before I was 25!

But, whats done is done. I cannot, and will not, punish myself for my past mistakes. At first I was upset about it... but then I can't change what happened then, I am not in control of that any longer. But I am in control of today. That's right. I am in control of my own life!!

I have realized so many things about myself, about my family, and about life in general in the past few months. The biggest thing that I have learned is that I am only responsible for me. I cannot make anyone be the person I want them to be. I have no control over their actions. The only person I am in complete control over is ME. Now, some people might feel like everything is happening to them. Their circumstances might be much less fortunate than mine, or yours, but the bottom line is ----------

SHIT WILL HAPPEN ALL THE TIME, IT'S HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT THAT IS UP TO YOU.

For instance, when I was sad or hurt, I went to food. I didn't go for a walk, or talk to a friend, or dance... I ate. That was how I dealt with things. Well, now things are different for me. With all the shit that has been going on in my family, instead of bottling it up and eating a barrell of ice cream I went to the gym. I did something I could be proud of. When I finally had enough, I drank some wine and I cried. I cried in the most dramatic and grossest way possible. I am talking snot covering my face, sobbing... hugging my dog and crying into his fur... shit I find hilarious now, I did. When I realized I couldn't do it on my own, I called my best friend and she listened and she talked it out with me and made me laugh. I dealt with it in my own way. I dealt with all these things without coping with food. Admittedly, I have slipped here and there. But instead of beating myself up and continuing to use food as THE WORST CRUTCH KNOWN TO MAN, I got back into the gym straight away.

I am in control.

I know that now.

No matter how bad life can get, how miserable things can be, I know that I am in control. I am in control of how I react to things. I can make any situation better, or brighter, by taking healthy steps... whether it is hitting the gym or calling my best friend... I am in control of my life.

Praying the fat away

I used to talk to God... No, not in the Michelle Bachmann kinda way (she's a crazy bitch). But when I prayed at night, throughout my childhood, I always prayed out loud. I talked with him, chatted it up, shot the shit... whatever you wanna call it, and I would always pray for certain things.

I prayed that he would take care of my grandparents...

I prayed that he would make sure my family wasn't in any pain...

I prayed that I could be strong for them...

And I prayed that I would wake up and be thin.

I used to lay there in bed, night after night, praying that I would wake up skinny. In my mind, I would wake up thin, and all the pain would be gone. The boys would like me. I wouldn't feel insecure anymore, I would be totally accepted and I would be beautiful.

Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

But you know what... it's not. It is not easy, and I am blessed to know that, and I am happy about that. If it were that easy, everyone would look the same, talk the same, dress the same and act the same. There wouldn't be anything special or different about any of us.

I am the way I am today because of what I went through. I am the kind hearted, sincere, loyal friend with a loud mouth and even louder laugh because of the shit that I had to endure.

We all are.

I'm sure I could have lived without someone "oinking" at me while out with my girlfriends... or being called a "fat ass" by the angry dude in the back of class... or certain people I love saying cruel things and not even realizing that they hurt me... but I don't know if I would be as strong and proud of myself as I am now without them.

I overcame something that is so brutal and so damaging, I overcame that voice in the back of my head telling me I wasn't good enough because I was fat. I learned to LOVE myself and LIKE myself and know that no matter what my weight is, no matter how big or small I am, that I AM WORTH IT.

I can, honestly, look in the mirror and be happy now. There will always be things to work on - I want my stomach flatter and I wish my arms weren't so droopy, but I can still look in the mirror and be pleased with what I have seen and what I have accomplished. I get to see my success every time I look at my reflection! It's like wearing a permanent medal or something! I might forget it sometimes, because I am human, but then I remember that I have done something wonderful, and if I could PRAY the last 20lbs I want to lose away I WOULDN'T! I DID THIS. Not God or any quick fix... I DID IT. I worked my ass off, literally, and I can look back at everything I have accomplished and be PROUD.

I was thinking about it the other day, and I told some friends, if I could change one thing about my appearance RIGHT NOW, if I could wake up and it would be fixed, I wouldn't change anything EXCEPT my feet. I would make my feet a size 10 so I could buy all the shoes I wanted! HA! It's not something I could actually change, which is what makes it so great---

I look in the mirror and I am confident and happy enough with myself that I would stay just the way I am. I know that I can lose the rest of the weight. I know that I am capable, both physically and emotionally, of some extraordinary things... and it's all because of the journey. If I woke up tomorrow "perfect" I would never appreciate it. I earned this body. I earned my happiness.

I don't pray as much anymore. It's not often I find myself chatting it up with God, asking him to do things for me. It's not because I don't believe in God, because I do... it's because I know that my life is my own. I am responsible for myself and this body. No one can fix or change me. I am me and that is beautiful and extraordinary. I am an exceptional being and every day I am given is a day to accomplish something... whether it be to make someone smile, laugh, run, play, jump, or just listen IT'S ALL MINE, and I do believe this is the only one I get.

Moral of the story... just LOVE yourself, be kind to your body, and don't spend another minute unhappy and dwelling on the beauty that is you. If you are uncomfortable in your own skin and want to lose weight, know that it will take time. There is NO QUICK FIX. Even surgeries take work if they are going to be successful in the long term. But I can promise you that you will appreciate every step you take, because it will be something new and something that YOU accomplished despite all of the negativity in your life. You did it. I did it.

Run, Oakley, RUNNNNNN!!!!!

I used to hate running.

Then I learned to tolerate it.

Then I learned to appreciate that I was able to run.

And NOW... I kinda like it.

Alright, let me explain to my fellow running haters-- I have not started to drink the runners kool- aid (Gatorade or various energy drinks)... I just really like the feeling I get after I finish my run.

I love getting on the treadmill and trying to beat my previous time. I love knowing exactly how far I have gone, and how many calories I am burning. I can burn soooooo much in an hour. You see, and this is the kicker... I don't like running outside! I love walking outside, but running --- I just want to stop. I see how far away something is and my breathing starts to catch and I get defeated. I can focus so much more on a treadmill.

I get on that treadmill, decide I am going to do something and I fucking do it.

On Sunday I decided I would try to run intervals for an hour. I was trying to run thru all my stomach cramps. Wouldn't you know it... it actually worked! I worked it out and I couldn't feel my cramps. Now, I am pretty sure that it is because I transferred the pain from my uterus to my heel -- where I was developing two lovely blisters -- but I felt so much better. I was able to push out 4.2 miles, walking the hills at a speed of 3.8 and running the flats! So every other minute I was running. My average mile time was a bit slower, because I walked the first mile to warm up. I didn't really decide to run until I got bored with it.

So yesterday, I got on that treadmill and promised myself I would improve my time... and I did!

This time I did 4.7 miles in an hour and burned 810 calories! My goal by next Sunday is going to be to get to 5 miles... then work my way on up to 6...

The only struggle I am really having in pushing myself is my breathing. I FREAK OUT when my breathing starts to catch. I have had too many asthma and panic attacks to make me feel OK when I start to gasp. My trainer says that this is the anaerobic zone that I need to be in to keep dropping the weight, so I am trying to push myself into it for longer. Struggling to breathe scares me and when I get scared, I get an attack. It's all about balance and building up strength in my lungs and trusting my body.

Running has become a new way for me to push myself. I find that the only way to keep from being bored at the gym is to challenge myself in my workouts. I am a competitive freak! I need to be challenged. When I am next to someone who can run more than me, it only makes me want to prove myself that much more. Thats the secret to my gym motivation. That and my iPod! Running with music is the BEST! I couldn't run without something that pumped me up, like my "ZUMBA" or "FUCKING DANCE" playlists on my iPod!

I have to have fun in my workouts, and the right music is KEY to that... no matter what I am doing!

So all of my runner friends, I officially tip my hat to you in defeat and realize what you have been talking about all these years. It will never be my favorite thing to do (Dancing will always be my #1 exersize) but I definitely enjoy it. You can remind me of this if I ever get off track and say "Running is stupid"... :)

I will say that the only way you will see me running a marathon is if there is a Zombie apocalypse. However, I would have to run and shoot a rifle at the same time. Maybe I'll have to practice that on the treadmill in a few weeks...

Wish me luck on getting to mile 6!!!

Love, LOVE and MORE LoVe!!!!!!!!

Work it the f*** out!!

Holy shit!

Thats the only proper way to start my blog for today. I am fucking tired.

As soon as I dropped that sinus infection like a bad habit, I started hitting the gym HARD, again.

It feels really good, and I feel really motivated. I also feel my body getting stronger. The number on the scale is still a pain in the ass (I am happy to report it is starting to go down again) but more than anything else, I am noticing how everything is starting to get easier, bit by bit.

My workouts with my trainer are physically and mentally exhausting. I almost started crying during my last session. For reals. I was so frustrated with my body and felt insecure, being as tired and sore as I was from everything. I hate when I feel like I can't do something.

BUT, even though I slowed down towards the end, even though it hurt like hell and I almost started sobbing like a baby... I FINISHED the workout.

It took me a while to realize how awesome that was. Initially, I called Marisa and told her what he had me do. She, of course, was super pumped and said to me, "Yea, but you DID it! Don't you feel good!" That was when I realized... I might have wanted to stop and cry and crawl into a hole and die... but I DIDN'T! I finished that workout and I need to be proud of that. I am now!

That was Saturday.

My last week of exersize has gone something like this:

Thursday- Workout with Trainer

Friday- Off day

Saturday- Workout with trainer (near death experience)

Sunday- hiking

Monday- Zumba

Tuesday- 2.5 mile run/interval, 10 minutes stair climb, planks and sit ups

Wednesday- Zumba

TONIGHT- Workout with my trainer (I am doomed)

Let's not forget that I am still walking as much as I can throughout all of this.

It is pathetic because I am so looking forward to tomorrow when I can have the night off, because on Saturday it's another training session.

I think that if I am able to sleep thru the night more consistently than I will not be as tired in the coming weeks. But I refuse to stop. Part of the problem with taking nights off is that I will stay home and MUNCH. I have to keep myself busy. It's kind of like trying to trade one addiction for another.

Speaking of addiction...

It has been over a month since I have had any candy or cookies at work!!! I am a fucking rock star! And every time I think about having one, I remind myself of my streak and think "Why in the hell would I ruin my record NOW?" it's totally not worth it.

I also have been able to have a dark chocolate bar in my refrigerator and NOT devour it within seconds. I am trying my "Grandma" method and I have one bar when I get that sweet craving. I think she has more than one bar... but she is 91 so she can eat whatever the fuck she wants!

It does the trick too... I have that little piece of sweet, delicious goodness and I am set. I think the true test will be in a week when I am suffering from the delights of being a lady. No chocolate is safe in front of me.

Alright, well lets hope I don't die after tonight! That is not the way I want to go... there are not nearly enough cute men to surround me in my gym to make an adequate death. Not to mention, it smells in there. No... I don't think I'll die tonight. Too much to look forward to anyways!

Let's kick some more ARSE!!!!!

Love, LOVE & more LoVe!!!!!

Struggle Model

This is the title I would NEVER have given myself. The last thing I want to be looked at as is a "struggler"... the very thought makes me twinge with insecurity. I automatically want to distract people with my charm or prove myself by showing what I can do.

However, this was my title for a workout commercial I did a few weeks ago. Which will also explain why I have been absent from blogging.

I think it is safe to say that at this point, when I stop blogging it is because I am SEARCHING for something positive to say. When I can't find something positive and I am wallowing in self pity, I don't blog. I don't want people's sympathy, and I never want to be seen as weak.

But I am human... that doesn't make me weak, though. Like everyone else I am fragile. I am just a girl made up of different cells and blood and bones and muscle and I get emotional and hurt just as much as anyone else does. It's alright.

A few weeks ago my friend called to ask if I wanted to do a weight loss commercial. They wanted someone close to their goal weight and who is attractive and they were having trouble finding someone. So, he showed them my picture and they said they wanted me. Easiest job I have ever booked, LOL.

Naturally, I asked what this job would entail. I wanted to be sure it wasn't like a "Xenodrine" commercial where they put a heavier woman in a bikini and compare her with a fitness model. I have no desire to be apart of such false advertising, nor do I have the confidence to not be completely broken after something like that.

They assured me it was nothing of the sort. They would do some shots of me struggling to do a push up on my own, then doing a push up with the machine they are selling and... MAGIC! They also wanted to get a shot of me being unhappy with my flabby arms, but I was told it wouldn't be too excessive.

For those who don't know, the part of my body that I am most insecure about would be my ARMS... my arms and then my lower abdomen. Being a woman, losing weight in your arms is the hardest freaking thing! It's why one of my summer goals is to wear a tank top!

Anyways, doing this shot of me with my flabby arms was a lot worse than I thought. The camera was zoomed in on my arms, all flabby and soft for 20 minutes. I had to jiggle the fat this way and that... after 5 minutes my humor about the situation wore off. I was OK at first because I told myself, "Hey, woman all over have this same problem. This is where I am now, nothing to be ashamed of"... I guess I am not as strong as I thought. After what seemed like a lifetime we finally finished the shot and I felt b-r-o-k-e-n. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Of course I didn't, I put on a brave face and finished the shoot... watching the rest of the fitness models with their perfect physique's shoot their scenes.

Let me say, real quick, the people I worked with were wonderful! They were so supportive and fantastic and I have no issue with the commercial or the crew or anyone... I just didn't realize how much it bothers me to be seen as "The Struggler"

All I could think was "When will I be enough for this world?" I have worked so hard, I look great and feel great but in the industry I want to be a part of I am still labeled as BIG. That fucking blows.

And I never will be a size 2, so what am I supposed to do? How do I go about going on jobs if I hate going in for roles where they are asking for "heavy" or "chubby" in the breakdowns?!? Will I ever be comfortable enough in my own skin to not let it get me down? I used to be OK with it! You should have seen some of the breakdowns I would go out for before I lost weight! I hated it, of course, but it was who I was in that moment and I got to represent a type that had been neglected... I knew who I was and if it payed me - GREAT! But now, I hate it. I am too sensitive. I have worked too hard.

Unfortunately, the only way to change anything is to change it myself. No one is going to hand me my career. I need to learn to be OK, once again, with where I am in any given moment. I also have the power to show people what I am made of. I have the power to represent whatever "type" I want to represent. I am so much more than weight. I am so much more than the physical.

I am funny, smart, talented, whimsical, stubborn, confident, insecure, feisty, sexy, zany, loving and so much more... the weight does not make the woman. It is my job to get everyone else to see that.

I have to remind myself that I am in control of my own destiny. Whether I decide, in the end, that the film and television industry is for me, I am living my life for me and no one else. I only get one of them... why on earth should I waste my time worrying about how other people see me?!? It's so much easier said than done, trust me... I know. It has taken me over 2 weeks to start to step out of this funk I have been in. It has taken talks with my best friends and a lot of introspective thinking to come to the conclusion that I am OK right now. I am doing right by myself. And when I feel like I am no longer, I have to change it. It won't change for me.

My body didn't shed 100lbs because I willed it, I lost that weight because I was determined to change. I was determined to make myself happy... and healthy.

So screw anyone who judges you, or me, based on our size. Screw those who judge what you have chosen to do with your life.

I am living my life for me... we all should!

Love, LOVE & more LOVE!!!!

P.S. None of this has stopped me from kicking ass in my workouts!!!!!!! :)

Carb Lady

When I think about the title of this post I picture myself, walking down a crowded city street, carrying nothing but bread and french fries... Mmmmmm french fries.

Seriously, french fries are so fucking good it should be a crime. One of my favorite things in the world to eat is some steak fries dipped in ranch dressing. Holy shit... it's like a party in my mouth... a taste bud EXPLOSION of epic proportions. Sorry, I get carried away --- on a cloud of french fries and potato magic. YUM.

The point of this wasn't to make myself hungry though, damn it! It wasn't to make you hungry either... in fact the point of this blog is to discuss some dietary changes I am making.

When I first started losing weight I cut carbs. I cut them out of my dinners - always - and frequently out of my lunches. However I could get away with eating a sandwich in the afternoon because I was working out so excessively and my body was not used to it.

Well now my body is used to everything. I do feel myself getting stronger, my legs look fantastic and my arms are getting better and better but I am still not losing weight. I know it is because I am not strict enough on my diet.

It does suck... to not be able to eat like a lot of my skinnier friends eat. It is hard to watch everyone else drink beer, eat fries and a burger or cookies and then work out 2 to 3 times a week and maintain a fabulous physique. But, if I live my life pissed off that others have a better metabolism or better body than I will NEVER be happy or successful. So beyond it being hard, it just is what it is!

So in order to get where I want to be I do have to start restricting certain delicious and completely unnecessary foods from my diet. In the end it's not that hard for me to abstain from carbs. I like bread... and as mentioned before I LOVE french fries... but the real problem comes from the sugar and sweets. When I eat carbs it is usually just because I want to feel FULL. Feeling full, when you think about it, is not a desirable feeling, but I was raised in a house where you eat until you can't eat anymore. Not that we had to clear our plates or anything, but it was customary to eat until you had to be carted out of the room. Why anyone wants to feel like that is beyond me... but that is the level of full that I was always familiar with. Eat till you puke. And in my case that was part of the punishment of food for me. I wasn't good enough, so I ate to make myself feel as bad as I deserved to feel. I ate to punish and I ate to fill up whatever hole I was feeling was in my life. So carbs are there to help me feel full, and every now and then (French fries) are there to satisfy a craving.

But it is time to quit that shit... like Brokeback! It is time to get back to eating GOOD carbs and more fruits, vegetables and lean meats and less crackers, chips and bread.

So for the next few months I am only allowed to eat my carbs in the morning. I can have my toast, or cereal or whole grain toaster waffle and for the rest of the day I am cut off.

In preparation for this change I went to the grocery store last night, and with the help of Marisa I got items to make a delicious salad to nosh on throughout the day---

Garbonzo Beans

Chopped Celery

Chopped Onion

Chopped Bell Pepper (Green)

Olives

Paul Newman's Light Balsamic Vinaigrette

I let it marinate overnight and now I have something delicious, tasty, and healthy to snack on!

If anyone else has some healthy snack options or recipes, please feel free to share and let me know!

Here's to a new regime!!

Oh, and I should mention... I am very proud to say that it has been over a week since I have allowed myself any candy from the kitchen at work!! I may not have been great this weekend, but I made myself a promise of no candy and I have followed through with that... Gum helps.

Now to make myself proud and eat well and get my hot butt to Zumba Toning!!!

Love, Love & MORE LOVE!!!!!

Something to be proud of...

Yesterday I was having a shitty day. Well, that's not true, the day itself wasn't "shitty"... I was just feeling "shitty". I get into these odd spurts of backward thinking. It is so easy for me to revert to feeling like the "Undesireable # 1" (50 points to whoever is as nerdy as me for getting that reference)

When I was really heavy I used to pretend to be confident. Now, I am confident... but that confidence is new and easily tested. It only takes one look or one comment to get me to feel like the sad fat girl that no one wants. I go to a very sad mental place where I am undesirable, undeserving and not wanted.

Yesterday it wasn't anyones fault but my own. No one did anything mean, said anything mean, but I am just going through certain bouts of loneliness that do not do anything to help temper these feelings. It sucks. It sucks because I am so aware of why I am feeling this way, and how silly it really is.

I am a beautiful woman. I have a good head on my shoulders, I am passionate and caring. I am a wonderful friend and I know who I am. There is no reason for me to feel the way I was feeling. I am a desirable woman. I may not be desired by everyone, I am far from perfect... but that is OK. I am satisfied with not being perfect for everyone else but a strong woman for MYSELF.

I am proud of myself.

Which brings me to the point of this blog...

I didn't come to this place of empowerment from sitting on my ass and eating chocolate like I would have 2 years ago. Instead I got some FANTASTIC advice from my dear friend KO.

I went into her office to vent, as per my usual, and she always knows just what to say to make me feel better. She knows how to really make me think and see myself from an outside perspective. I LOVE talking to her. Well, when I expressed how I was feeling (lacking any eloquence or sense) she told me not only what I needed to hear, but what I have never heard expressed so perfectly. She said, "Leya, don't go home and be depressed. Don't marinate in this when you know it's not true. Go home and do something you can be proud of."

Something I can be proud of...

I don't think it has ever been said so perfectly. I am not going home to make myself feel better... even that allows some of the negative to impact me. Instead, I went home and did something I could be proud of. I walked home, got my dog and ran back to work to get my car. Then I walked more. I didn't sit for longer than it took to eat my dinner. I walked until it was time to leave for my Zumba class, and when I got there I felt good. I was happy and laughing and shaking it like nobody's business! Then I went home, took a bath, talked with my best friend and fell asleep happy.

I was PROUD of myself yesterday. Not only did I not dwell on what I feel I am lacking when I could have, but I went above and beyond any expectations I had for my night. I shook out those bad and obnoxious thoughts that were plaguing me. And today... I feel GREAT.

Plus, I realized I can also be proud of the fact that I had ZERO sweets! I am trying to go this week without any sweets, and I was able to sit back and give myself a mental *high five* for working my ass off and not indulging when I was at my most vulnerable.

I can sit here today, knowing who I am, knowing my worth and feel proud of what I have accomplished, both yesterday and in the last year.

Moral of the story...

Do something you can be proud of every day.

Love, love & MORE LOVE!!!

Inching forward...

With these new training sessions each month I also have a monthly fitness assessment. This is the time where they do all of my body measurements and body fat analyses.

Well, yesterday I hobbled (because my legs feel like they were put on a renaissance era torture contraption) into the gym for my assessment.

To my dismay, he took my measurements in full view of everyone in the lobby... this gym is smaller and older than others... and in front of a manager fighting with the girl at the front desk. I wanted to turn around and tell them both to be professional and shut the fuck up, but since I have got 10 free training sessions, I decided it would be better to keep my mouth shut and just think about what assholes they were.

I am not the biggest fan of getting measured. And in this instance, in this hostile environment I felt pretty damn insecure. But, I went ahead and did it because it is important in determining success.

The number on the scale might not move every week, but the inches will. The scale, after all, is only one tool in the battle of the bulge.

So the, very HOT, gentleman wrapped me with the tape.He took my neck, Shoulders, waist, thighs, arms & hip measurements. And when he was done, he added them all up (gross). Well, the numbers are not what I want them to be, obviously (I wouldn't be paying for personal training if they were!)... but I am GLAD that I did them, because this morning I called my old Lindora clinic. Lindora is where I learned good eating habits, the clinic where I got my daily shots of B12 and also weighed in every morning! I asked them for my last set of measurements. Now, I knew they wouldn't be exact, because the trainer yesterday measured my waist from a different point than they did at Lindora. BUT... I am pleased to report that I have lost somewhere over 40 inches from my body! This is a rough estimate, because they didn't have my arm measurements and these older numbers were not from the very beginning of my journey-- in fact, it was just after I shot "Sweatin' to the Oldies 5"--- so I don't have exact numbers. BUT... based on what I do have, that is the nice ROUND number I am looking at!

It's pretty freakin' cool! 40 INCHES!!!

That is something to be proud of...

I have dropped 5 (sometimes 6) dress sizes and somewhere around 40 inches from my frame!

It's pretty bad ass, when you think about it.

Now it is time to drop some more inches. I am focusing with my trainer on my waist and my arms - remember one of my goals for summer is to wear tank tops with nothing covering my arms - and with these workoutsI am positive I will see some great results!

If you haven't taken your measurements, TAKE THEM! It is so important in showing your progress. Do not rely only on the scale, because that shit will fuck with your head!! Trust... I have almost thrown it out my window onNUMEROUS occasions.

August 1, 2011 will be 2 years since I started this journey (technically the end of July, but I don't know the exact day so I go with August 1st).

I plan to see some AMAZING results by then. Let's get this show on the road!!!

Love, LOVE & MORE L-O-V-E!!!

Son of an OUCH pain!

Everyone who knows me knows that when I feel some type of pain I express it. I am, what some would call, DRAMATIC!!! I mean come on... I am an actress AND a Jewish woman! Would anyone expect any less? No. I didn't think so.

I signed up with a trainer at LA Fitness. I went in for my free training session all set to say "No Thanks" to them when they offered me the training. But then the somewhat slow meathead and the BEYOND hot fitness guru offered me a deal. So I caved. I was totally worked over. I was pretty easy really. I am looking for something else to push me to finish what I have started. The workouts I have been doing have been great, but once you lose 100lbs things start to change. My body has gotten used to it and isn't responding as well as it could. So I have to shake it all up... and shake it all off.

I went into my first full training session on Saturday, hungover and already sore from my short tutorial with the infamous Doyle (he is infamous because he also hurt Allie on her first session)

So I knew I was in for a treat.

I walked in and met Jonathan. He was sitting down and at first I thought he looked like a little boy. Then he stood up. He is tall. He is tall and lean and all muscle. But it is great because he doesn't look like a meathead. Just super fit and super nice. I knew right away I would feel much more comfortable being myself with him, as opposed to the other guy who I tried to crack jokes to make him laugh. When working out with someone, I don't want to feel like I have to win them over. I would rather feel like it is okay to not be a superstar already, like I can curse and cry and shake and still complete my workout with a smile on my face. I am doing this for me and no one else, after all. So he was awesome! He did a lot of the workout with me, and the rest of the time made sure I had the right form. AND he is teaching me how to BOX!!!!!!! You all know how long I have been wanting to add boxing to my routine... well here it is! I am STOKED.

Both Jonathan and I knew I was going to be super sore after this workout. It was, after all, the hardest workout I have had in a LONG time. It was completely different from anything I have been doing in the last 2 years. And it was great. But... my body HURTS. OMG.

Everyone keeps saying "Yea, the GOOD hurt"... well I fucking HATE this phrase! "Hurt" is never good! It just fucking HURTS! The results are good-- no, no, they are GREAT-- but the hurt just fucking sucks. Every time I get up from my chair I make a grunting noise. Walking up the stairs today... HILARIOUS. Picking up my legs is an actual chore, I even have to use my arms to lift my legs to cross them while sitting in my chair.

To make up for the hurt I am feeling I decided to dress up a bit today. I do that a lot. If I am feeling like shit, I try and look good. I feel like it increases my mood and it puts up a front to people around me. It works. Seriously... next time you are feeling shitty- look cute. It might take you out of your slump.

So here I sit in my cute dress and leggings, with my "fuck me" blue pumps on and I am grunting every time I move. I love it. I do, really. I love that I feel like I am doing something again.

However, my eating didn't match my workout drive this weekend. When I got home all I wanted was FOOD. Between the hangover, the workout & being a girl I consumed way too many calories and moved very little (I couldn't, okay)

It'll only get easier though. And tonight I am going to push myself and go box a little and try to do some Zumba. I bought a package that I need to start using before then end of three months. Gotta get those classes in!!

So here I sit... albeit a little lopsided and sore... with a new workout routine and a drive to kick some serious ASS by the end of this month. I am ready to show that workout who is boss!

Wish me luck!!!

Love, LOVE & MORE LoVe!!!!

Growing up...

Ugh... I don't wanna grow up, and you can't make me!!!!

I am at that point in my life where I feel very "in between" everything. Some of you will probably identify with how I am currently feeling. I think everyone goes through it, just at different ages. Right now all I can think is-- "I am getting older"

OLDER.

I know you are shaking your heads right now-- I AM only 26. I know I have many years to get where I want to be. But right now, I am not headed in any specific direction. This is the problem with trying to be an actress. Even when I am working, I will always... ALWAYS... be looking for more work. I will never be settled and completely comfortable. Unless of course I become a star, which would be nice, but I am shooting to be a working actress- and make a living by doing what I am love and am good at.

I am always thinking about what else I can do.

I am not ready to give up what I am most passionate about. One day, if it just isn't working for me, I might venture to a completely different place and just run my own theatre company. But right now, I am where I need to be for how I want to be involved. The problem, of course, comes from working ten hour days doing something I hate while watching others pursue their passions and feel more fulfilled than I have felt in the last 2 years.

I am so blessed to have my job. I love the people I work with. LOVE. I can audition, I am supported, I laugh and I get to make other people happy. That is the best part of my job. When people walk thru the door it makes me happy- really happy- to make them smile. Everyone in this industry takes their jobs so seriously, and I love having the responsibility of putting a smile on their face before they start their day. I know, I know... it's cheesy. But that is what I get from my job. It may not be much, but it is something.

But my job is a job. It is not my career. And while I am not ready to give up trying to make acting my full time gig, I am ready to do something else I am PASSIONATE about. I want to be able to be proud of what I do. When I tell people I am a receptionist at a production company I tend to say it as quick as possible, and follow it up with an excuse. I shouldn't be living a life where I feel the need to excuse myself for my job. I am not doing anything I should be ashamed of! I make a living, I have health insurance and I am fucking productive member of society. The shame comes from me. From my being unhappy and unfulfilled.

So how do I change that?

No, really, if you know tell me!

How in the world do I still pursue my true PASSION and do something that makes me feel good?

I want to get up in the morning and feel excited about what I get to do;

And the one thing that excites me... is helping people. I really do LOVE to help people. I LOVE when I can make a difference in someone's day -- or life.

Which brings me to the conversation I had yesterday with a very dear friend...

She brought up my doing something in the realm of being a motivational mentor of sorts.

This is, oddly enough, something I have been thinking about for the last 6 months. It has been my intention to talk to my inspiration, Richard Simmons, and ask him how I go about even doing this. But... I just felt silly. I am worried that I am not qualified to help people. That I don't have enough life experience, that people will think "Who is this bitch to tell me...?" or that because I am not completely happy with where I am I have no right to try to motivate other people.

BUT... this is not true-- Especially the last. I am and will always be, a work in progress.

I will always be striving to be better, healthier & more knowledgeable until the day I die.

We are all a work in progress.

So if someone can identify with me and my journey, which so many of you have, than why can I not make it a competent part of my every day life? Why can I not make it a part of my work in this life?

Honestly, if the tables were turned on me I would say, "There is no reason. Go for it. Help give a face to those who feel very alone"...

For so long I grew up thinking no one knew how it felt to be overweight. I had the prettiest friends, and even when they struggled with their weight, I thought they were better than I was. I thought I was different. In feeling so different, I felt very alone.

I was not alone.

None of us are.

Somewhere there is someone who can identify with you.

That is why I love being an actress. I love playing a character and having people identify with me. I love allowing someone an emotional response because of some repressed feeling that they see played out on the screen or on the stage. It is beautiful.

You know what I would love to do?

I would love to be able to travel to different High Schools and Middle Schools and share my story. I would love to be able to look at these kids and explain how it felt to hate the body I was in. And then I would love to stand there and tell them how happy I am to be me. I would love to look at them and promise that it gets better, that they are worth it, that no person who is spewing hatred deserves the privilege of ruling their emotions. The only person who really DESERVES that right is you.

It took me way too long to realize that I was giving everyone else control over how I felt about myself... and I have discovered my worth sooner than most do!

I can't think of anything else that would make me happier than sharing my story and helping other people. Wouldn't that be nice?

I'm trying to think of a pitch for a program that I can bring to a few different people.

But I am still scared.

I am still nervous.

I am still unsure of myself in this dream. Can I really make a life out of helping people?

Will I finally wake up and be able to be proud of what I do?

Can I finally find satisfaction in my everyday life?

Do I have what it takes to really motivate and inspire someone?

Gotta figure it out... Wish me luck!!!

Love, LOVE & more LOVE!!!!

Starting Point

I am going to start keep photo evidence of my progress. So here are some photos from yesterday, no judgement please... I had just gotten back from my Zumba Toning class.

I feel good about where I am starting from. I am still so hard on myself, sometimes.

It really stems from frustration and being at this point now for 6 months. But... compare those pictures to the one at the end and I think I look like a fucking rock star (this is not in any way, a reference to Charlie Sheen)!

I will also be taking my measurements. I have the tape, and started to yesterday, but I wanted to make sure I did it from the right points on my body... so I was gonna google it, but then my bathtub was overflowing into my bedroom. True Story. Needless to say, I was distracted by the cleanup. Hey, now my floors are clean. :):)

I am super excited to get to where I want to be. I feel soooooo ready.

Tonight, I am going back to Zumba and kicking some cardio/booty shaking ass!!!

Last night nearly murdered me. We had to do these fucking "Power Jumps" and let me tell you-- this white girl has HOPS! While it hurt after the 2nd round, I was so pumped at my ability to jump so fucking HIGH! I could never have done that a year and a half ago. I could barely walk for extended periods without the worry of my feet swelling. It's moments like these that I have to think about and remember how far I have come. I have so much to be proud of. While everything in my life isn't where I want it to be, I am still a success. I am still working towards my goals. I am still passionate in pursuing my dreams. I am still independent and... I am fucking sensational. Yeah, that's right! I said it... I am awesome! I like myself a whole lot right now...

it's so nice to say that and mean it. You should try it.

The picture below might be me in a Bertie Bott's Every Flavored Beans box... because my roommate is awesome.

.

Time to shake it!!!! Wish me luck...

Love, LOVE, & more LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

Happy

Sometimes it is really hard to just be... happy. It really sucks too, because I genuinely enjoy being happy. I love laughing and smiling for no reason. I love making others laugh and smile and feel good. I still tend to do the latter, because I am a natural caretaker. I love making someone's day by simply being kind. So why is it so hard to do the same for myself.

I have so much to be grateful for right now. I have the most amazing family in the world, I have the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for, I have a roof over my head and a dog that I get to cuddle with on a regular basis... so many things that make me smile. And I am smiling. I am just missing some of the littler things. The little things that most people have experienced already.

I am so ready to meet someone. That's what this is about, in case you haven't already guessed.

I know I am deserving. I love myself. I am ready... and yet it only seems to get harder. And the harder it gets the more I want to throw in the towel. I wont, don't get me wrong. No one needs to tell me what I already know... I'm just kind of bummed. As surrounded as I am by a constant stream love, it is still very easy to feel very lonely.

I hate that I feel lonely. I really, really hate it.

I'm happy on my own. I am happy with the person that I am and the person that I want to become... but now... I'm ready for someone else to make me smile.

It's been a while...

The title of this post says it all.

Not that it is anything new to anyone who follows my blog, but I haven't been keeping you all up to date with my journey.

I feel like I owe you an explanation. Not for you necessarily... sorry... but for my own sanity. My not writing and sharing with all of you has been an act of, what I thought was, self preservation.

Losing weight is hard. Fun fucking fact. That is something that most people don't understand. The reason it hasn't gotten any easier for me is because I am an emotional eater. I am a food addict. I am impulsive, emotional, head strong and impatient. It is for all of these reasons that I have avoided, at all costs, sharing my struggles these last few months.

I have thought about it. I have opened my blog on a few occasions and stared, and thought. I thought about what I could say, how I could motivate and inspire when I can't seem to motivate and inspire myself. And I haven't really wanted help. Because asking for help would be admitting defeat. Is that "Bullshit" I hear trailing from your lips? Well, I agree my friends. It is bullshit. I didn't start this journey on my own, in fact I do not believe that there is a way to lose weight and keep it off in this world completely on your own. I need help and moral support and something pushing me towards my goals. I need people with me, behind me, cheering me on... and I need to be my own biggest cheerleader.

So why have I been absent you ask? Well, I will tell you...

The last time you heard from me I was dealing with a whole lot of changes in my life. I hit my 100lbs weight loss and I became scared. I was now lighter than I can ever remember being. I was getting attention from men that made me uncomfortable... it made me feel objectified and insecure... and yet, it was the kind of attention I had thought that I always wanted.

But the biggest issue I encountered was in my family. My mother went into the hospital and was told there was a mass on her kidney. Never in my life have I been so scared. I have shared with you all how close I am to my parents. How much I wish they would get healthy and live the lives they deserve to live- well into their 80's. All I could think for the next few months was "CANCER"... it was devastating. I wanted to escape, to run and hide. I wanted to scream and cry but I didn't want to give any more power to this sickness than it already had. I was scared to really feel what I was feeling, I had to be strong for my mom and myself. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I fought with my brother, I cried to my friends, and for a very long month I only wanted to hug my mommy.

Luckily, the outcome was better than it ever could have been. She was lucky that they even found the cancer in the first place, it was a miracle really. She had her surgery, removed the tumor and saved her kidney. She is lucky. We are lucky. We are all so blessed.

I should have been able to work through all of that. I should have been able to still focus on my health and feel what I was feeling. But I didn't. I reverted to some very bad old habits of focusing on everyone but myself. And I was so relieved that the worst was over, my mother was declared "Cancer Free" by the best doctors in California, and I didn't have to worry anymore. So I really didn't worry. I relaxed. I just wanted to relax. I didn't want to worry, or think about anything but being worry free! I thought I needed that time to just have some fun and not think about losing weight. However, this is not the case. I was avoiding what I have to do. I knew it too, which is why I never blogged in this time. I never shared what I was feeling or thinking or doing because I was avoiding.

The truth is I was tired. I was tired of having to lose weight. I had lost 100lbs and I still have more to go. It felt like I was running a marathon and hitting my wall. On top of that is this fear that I have of losing the weight that has been both a burden and a kind of shelter for so long. It is scary to really discover a new version of yourself after so many years of being "the big girl"

No one tells you that. I was never prepared to get to a point where losing more weight would be scary. And then there is the failure factor. What if I failed? What if the weight just wasn't coming off? What if I lost the weight and didn't like the way I looked? What if someone looked at me and still put me in a "fat girl" category? Or worst of all--- What if I got to my goal and then I gained it back? There is no escape from that. There is no way to hide when you gain weight. It is there, for everyone to see. Everyone who has loved and supported me, cheered for me or called me "inspirational" would watch me crumble. It scared the shit out of me!

So I "relaxed".

I have been sitting in my own version of purgatory. Not moving forward but teetering within the same 7lbs for the last 3 months. I hate it. It has not been fun for me. I am not happy where I am right now. I am so stagnant that it is hard to remember how far I have come. I should be happy every day with my success, I achieved what many cannot even fathom.

So here it is... since December I have gained 6lbs. Some of you might think I am crazy for worrying about this. But gaining is not an option for me. I have worked too hard to gain any weight back. I have sweated and cried and sacrificed for each pound that has left my ass and joined someone else's! So 6lbs is a big fucking deal. Now, what I cannot do is beat myself up for these 6lbs. Instead I need to start fresh.

I need to be the kick in my own ass and get back to where I was and then continue on to where I want to be. And in doing this I need to remember "why".

I am losing this weight for me, myself, and I... For my health and my happiness... so I will forever respect myself and my accomplishments.

So here are the goals I am setting for myself for all of you (maybe 2 or 3) to be a witness to:

1. Wear tank tops this summer.

2. Reach 120 pound weight loss by August.

3. Control my sweet binges.

4. Run a 10 minute mile.

5. Get representation.

6. Take boxing lessons.

7. Get into a size 10 and never look back.

Thanks for being there with me and for me throughout all of this!

Love, love and MORE LOVE!!!!

XOXO