Old Habits Die Hard

I know, I know... 2 blogs in 2 days after nada for so long!! But I keep having these fantastic realizations and I have to write them down and share them.

When I was very heavy I always apologized for myself. Not so much in the literal sense, but in the sense that I would NEVER defend or allow anyone to stand in my defense when it came to someone being mean to me. For instance, I will NEVER forget the night working at Macaroni Grill and after a long and shitty shift (that was normal) I was sweeping on the outside patio. This was not my station, so I had no contact with these tables prior to going to sweep, and a middle aged man grabbed my arm and asked me if I wanted to try his diet program. I was so taken aback, so hurt that this stranger had the nerve to bring that up, let alone reaffirm how I felt everyone saw me, that I stood there with my mouth wide open and tears brimming in my eyes. He immediately said, "I know, it's hard being big, isn't it?" which was the point in the conversation where I said nothing, turned on my heels and walked straight into the girls bathroom to cry. My friend Jess came into the bathroom and saw me, tried to comfort me, and went to get one of my best friends and her boyfriend (soon to be husband EEEK) Brad to talk to me. He walked right into the womens restroom and asked what happened. When I told him, he immediately asked me what table he was at... and I wouldn't tell him. I wouldn't tell him because I thought he was right. I thought he was right for treating me like that and he was just being a doctor and it's my fault for being this way.

I can't tell you how many times something like this has happened.
I realize that I have been trained to think that there is something wrong with me when someone doesn't like me. I am so quick to place blame on myself over someone else FOR EVERYTHING.
When a guy isn't interested its because I am fat or ugly or just not good enough. My automatic response is soooo self damaging and completely ridiculous. Because the truth is, sometimes things just don't work out. Its not anyones fault, no blame should be placed, and it's just one of those things. It's NOT my fault.

I used to gauge how a guy felt about me based on whether he tried to be physical with me. Until then, I decided he didn't like me. Which, if I am totally honest, led me to being physical or allowing chances to guys who I never should have. And even if I wasn't truly interested in them, if they didn't like me it was always my fault. It was because I am fat. I am wrong. I am bad. I am not worth it.
Excuse me while I laugh maniacally.... HAHHAHAHAHHA FUCKING HAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Here is the truth, and I know it now more than ever...
I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
I am smart.
I am fun.
I am good enough.

And I sit here, trying not to be angry with myself for allowing those negative thoughts to creep back into my mind on occasion. But, I had 24 years of treating myself less than... I had 24 years of repeating people's hateful comments in my head. I had 24 years of looking in a mirror and HATING what I saw. So, it's ok. It's ok for it to happen on occassion. No one expects me to be perfect all the time. I am confident when it counts, and on those occassions where that little asshole voice speaks up and tells me "It's your fault. You're fate. You're ugly. Can you blame them?" I gotta put myself in check.
I didn't work this hard for anyone else. I did it for me. I can honestly say that when I look in the mirror, now, I see someone beautiful looking back... and I am not going to allow anyone to take that away. ESPECIALLY that little fucking voice.
Bottom line is this---

I can be my own worst enemy... but I would rather be my own best friend and biggest cheerleader!!!

Love, LOVE & More LOVE!!!

Control

A lot has happened since my last blog. I was doing really well this summer, pushing myself hard at the gym. Working on toning everything up, and then I got into a little care accident and it messed with my, already fucked up, back.

Stupid arthritis.

Stupid back.

Stupid food that I PAYED for that I ate in droves that caused me to get so big that I gave myself arthritis before I was 25!

But, whats done is done. I cannot, and will not, punish myself for my past mistakes. At first I was upset about it... but then I can't change what happened then, I am not in control of that any longer. But I am in control of today. That's right. I am in control of my own life!!

I have realized so many things about myself, about my family, and about life in general in the past few months. The biggest thing that I have learned is that I am only responsible for me. I cannot make anyone be the person I want them to be. I have no control over their actions. The only person I am in complete control over is ME. Now, some people might feel like everything is happening to them. Their circumstances might be much less fortunate than mine, or yours, but the bottom line is ----------

SHIT WILL HAPPEN ALL THE TIME, IT'S HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT THAT IS UP TO YOU.

For instance, when I was sad or hurt, I went to food. I didn't go for a walk, or talk to a friend, or dance... I ate. That was how I dealt with things. Well, now things are different for me. With all the shit that has been going on in my family, instead of bottling it up and eating a barrell of ice cream I went to the gym. I did something I could be proud of. When I finally had enough, I drank some wine and I cried. I cried in the most dramatic and grossest way possible. I am talking snot covering my face, sobbing... hugging my dog and crying into his fur... shit I find hilarious now, I did. When I realized I couldn't do it on my own, I called my best friend and she listened and she talked it out with me and made me laugh. I dealt with it in my own way. I dealt with all these things without coping with food. Admittedly, I have slipped here and there. But instead of beating myself up and continuing to use food as THE WORST CRUTCH KNOWN TO MAN, I got back into the gym straight away.

I am in control.

I know that now.

No matter how bad life can get, how miserable things can be, I know that I am in control. I am in control of how I react to things. I can make any situation better, or brighter, by taking healthy steps... whether it is hitting the gym or calling my best friend... I am in control of my life.