Run, Oakley, RUNNNNNN!!!!!

I used to hate running.

Then I learned to tolerate it.

Then I learned to appreciate that I was able to run.

And NOW... I kinda like it.

Alright, let me explain to my fellow running haters-- I have not started to drink the runners kool- aid (Gatorade or various energy drinks)... I just really like the feeling I get after I finish my run.

I love getting on the treadmill and trying to beat my previous time. I love knowing exactly how far I have gone, and how many calories I am burning. I can burn soooooo much in an hour. You see, and this is the kicker... I don't like running outside! I love walking outside, but running --- I just want to stop. I see how far away something is and my breathing starts to catch and I get defeated. I can focus so much more on a treadmill.

I get on that treadmill, decide I am going to do something and I fucking do it.

On Sunday I decided I would try to run intervals for an hour. I was trying to run thru all my stomach cramps. Wouldn't you know it... it actually worked! I worked it out and I couldn't feel my cramps. Now, I am pretty sure that it is because I transferred the pain from my uterus to my heel -- where I was developing two lovely blisters -- but I felt so much better. I was able to push out 4.2 miles, walking the hills at a speed of 3.8 and running the flats! So every other minute I was running. My average mile time was a bit slower, because I walked the first mile to warm up. I didn't really decide to run until I got bored with it.

So yesterday, I got on that treadmill and promised myself I would improve my time... and I did!

This time I did 4.7 miles in an hour and burned 810 calories! My goal by next Sunday is going to be to get to 5 miles... then work my way on up to 6...

The only struggle I am really having in pushing myself is my breathing. I FREAK OUT when my breathing starts to catch. I have had too many asthma and panic attacks to make me feel OK when I start to gasp. My trainer says that this is the anaerobic zone that I need to be in to keep dropping the weight, so I am trying to push myself into it for longer. Struggling to breathe scares me and when I get scared, I get an attack. It's all about balance and building up strength in my lungs and trusting my body.

Running has become a new way for me to push myself. I find that the only way to keep from being bored at the gym is to challenge myself in my workouts. I am a competitive freak! I need to be challenged. When I am next to someone who can run more than me, it only makes me want to prove myself that much more. Thats the secret to my gym motivation. That and my iPod! Running with music is the BEST! I couldn't run without something that pumped me up, like my "ZUMBA" or "FUCKING DANCE" playlists on my iPod!

I have to have fun in my workouts, and the right music is KEY to that... no matter what I am doing!

So all of my runner friends, I officially tip my hat to you in defeat and realize what you have been talking about all these years. It will never be my favorite thing to do (Dancing will always be my #1 exersize) but I definitely enjoy it. You can remind me of this if I ever get off track and say "Running is stupid"... :)

I will say that the only way you will see me running a marathon is if there is a Zombie apocalypse. However, I would have to run and shoot a rifle at the same time. Maybe I'll have to practice that on the treadmill in a few weeks...

Wish me luck on getting to mile 6!!!

Love, LOVE and MORE LoVe!!!!!!!!

Work it the f*** out!!

Holy shit!

Thats the only proper way to start my blog for today. I am fucking tired.

As soon as I dropped that sinus infection like a bad habit, I started hitting the gym HARD, again.

It feels really good, and I feel really motivated. I also feel my body getting stronger. The number on the scale is still a pain in the ass (I am happy to report it is starting to go down again) but more than anything else, I am noticing how everything is starting to get easier, bit by bit.

My workouts with my trainer are physically and mentally exhausting. I almost started crying during my last session. For reals. I was so frustrated with my body and felt insecure, being as tired and sore as I was from everything. I hate when I feel like I can't do something.

BUT, even though I slowed down towards the end, even though it hurt like hell and I almost started sobbing like a baby... I FINISHED the workout.

It took me a while to realize how awesome that was. Initially, I called Marisa and told her what he had me do. She, of course, was super pumped and said to me, "Yea, but you DID it! Don't you feel good!" That was when I realized... I might have wanted to stop and cry and crawl into a hole and die... but I DIDN'T! I finished that workout and I need to be proud of that. I am now!

That was Saturday.

My last week of exersize has gone something like this:

Thursday- Workout with Trainer

Friday- Off day

Saturday- Workout with trainer (near death experience)

Sunday- hiking

Monday- Zumba

Tuesday- 2.5 mile run/interval, 10 minutes stair climb, planks and sit ups

Wednesday- Zumba

TONIGHT- Workout with my trainer (I am doomed)

Let's not forget that I am still walking as much as I can throughout all of this.

It is pathetic because I am so looking forward to tomorrow when I can have the night off, because on Saturday it's another training session.

I think that if I am able to sleep thru the night more consistently than I will not be as tired in the coming weeks. But I refuse to stop. Part of the problem with taking nights off is that I will stay home and MUNCH. I have to keep myself busy. It's kind of like trying to trade one addiction for another.

Speaking of addiction...

It has been over a month since I have had any candy or cookies at work!!! I am a fucking rock star! And every time I think about having one, I remind myself of my streak and think "Why in the hell would I ruin my record NOW?" it's totally not worth it.

I also have been able to have a dark chocolate bar in my refrigerator and NOT devour it within seconds. I am trying my "Grandma" method and I have one bar when I get that sweet craving. I think she has more than one bar... but she is 91 so she can eat whatever the fuck she wants!

It does the trick too... I have that little piece of sweet, delicious goodness and I am set. I think the true test will be in a week when I am suffering from the delights of being a lady. No chocolate is safe in front of me.

Alright, well lets hope I don't die after tonight! That is not the way I want to go... there are not nearly enough cute men to surround me in my gym to make an adequate death. Not to mention, it smells in there. No... I don't think I'll die tonight. Too much to look forward to anyways!

Let's kick some more ARSE!!!!!

Love, LOVE & more LoVe!!!!!

Struggle Model

This is the title I would NEVER have given myself. The last thing I want to be looked at as is a "struggler"... the very thought makes me twinge with insecurity. I automatically want to distract people with my charm or prove myself by showing what I can do.

However, this was my title for a workout commercial I did a few weeks ago. Which will also explain why I have been absent from blogging.

I think it is safe to say that at this point, when I stop blogging it is because I am SEARCHING for something positive to say. When I can't find something positive and I am wallowing in self pity, I don't blog. I don't want people's sympathy, and I never want to be seen as weak.

But I am human... that doesn't make me weak, though. Like everyone else I am fragile. I am just a girl made up of different cells and blood and bones and muscle and I get emotional and hurt just as much as anyone else does. It's alright.

A few weeks ago my friend called to ask if I wanted to do a weight loss commercial. They wanted someone close to their goal weight and who is attractive and they were having trouble finding someone. So, he showed them my picture and they said they wanted me. Easiest job I have ever booked, LOL.

Naturally, I asked what this job would entail. I wanted to be sure it wasn't like a "Xenodrine" commercial where they put a heavier woman in a bikini and compare her with a fitness model. I have no desire to be apart of such false advertising, nor do I have the confidence to not be completely broken after something like that.

They assured me it was nothing of the sort. They would do some shots of me struggling to do a push up on my own, then doing a push up with the machine they are selling and... MAGIC! They also wanted to get a shot of me being unhappy with my flabby arms, but I was told it wouldn't be too excessive.

For those who don't know, the part of my body that I am most insecure about would be my ARMS... my arms and then my lower abdomen. Being a woman, losing weight in your arms is the hardest freaking thing! It's why one of my summer goals is to wear a tank top!

Anyways, doing this shot of me with my flabby arms was a lot worse than I thought. The camera was zoomed in on my arms, all flabby and soft for 20 minutes. I had to jiggle the fat this way and that... after 5 minutes my humor about the situation wore off. I was OK at first because I told myself, "Hey, woman all over have this same problem. This is where I am now, nothing to be ashamed of"... I guess I am not as strong as I thought. After what seemed like a lifetime we finally finished the shot and I felt b-r-o-k-e-n. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Of course I didn't, I put on a brave face and finished the shoot... watching the rest of the fitness models with their perfect physique's shoot their scenes.

Let me say, real quick, the people I worked with were wonderful! They were so supportive and fantastic and I have no issue with the commercial or the crew or anyone... I just didn't realize how much it bothers me to be seen as "The Struggler"

All I could think was "When will I be enough for this world?" I have worked so hard, I look great and feel great but in the industry I want to be a part of I am still labeled as BIG. That fucking blows.

And I never will be a size 2, so what am I supposed to do? How do I go about going on jobs if I hate going in for roles where they are asking for "heavy" or "chubby" in the breakdowns?!? Will I ever be comfortable enough in my own skin to not let it get me down? I used to be OK with it! You should have seen some of the breakdowns I would go out for before I lost weight! I hated it, of course, but it was who I was in that moment and I got to represent a type that had been neglected... I knew who I was and if it payed me - GREAT! But now, I hate it. I am too sensitive. I have worked too hard.

Unfortunately, the only way to change anything is to change it myself. No one is going to hand me my career. I need to learn to be OK, once again, with where I am in any given moment. I also have the power to show people what I am made of. I have the power to represent whatever "type" I want to represent. I am so much more than weight. I am so much more than the physical.

I am funny, smart, talented, whimsical, stubborn, confident, insecure, feisty, sexy, zany, loving and so much more... the weight does not make the woman. It is my job to get everyone else to see that.

I have to remind myself that I am in control of my own destiny. Whether I decide, in the end, that the film and television industry is for me, I am living my life for me and no one else. I only get one of them... why on earth should I waste my time worrying about how other people see me?!? It's so much easier said than done, trust me... I know. It has taken me over 2 weeks to start to step out of this funk I have been in. It has taken talks with my best friends and a lot of introspective thinking to come to the conclusion that I am OK right now. I am doing right by myself. And when I feel like I am no longer, I have to change it. It won't change for me.

My body didn't shed 100lbs because I willed it, I lost that weight because I was determined to change. I was determined to make myself happy... and healthy.

So screw anyone who judges you, or me, based on our size. Screw those who judge what you have chosen to do with your life.

I am living my life for me... we all should!

Love, LOVE & more LOVE!!!!

P.S. None of this has stopped me from kicking ass in my workouts!!!!!!! :)