I really wish they had a happier word to describe the terrible physical and emotional state this puts us in. Like- "deedildy", because if we all said "I am so deedildy today" we would break out into laughter and the STRESS would subside a bit.

Alas, today is not the day for a word change.

This week has been filled with some stressful times. I hate that. I have so much to look forward to and be happy about and that is when life throws us that unexpected curveball... FUCK!

It started this weekend with my car. Took it in to get an oil change and see why my check engine light was on. Thats when the crooks over at Firestone called back with a $2000 estimate to fix a slew of misfires I do not understand. My car has over 111,000 miles on it- 2 G's is way too much to invest in something that could break down on me in another year. So... I spent the weekend worrying about a possible future car payment and weather or not I would be able to afford being an actor for the time being. Ech. Gross right? All during the weekend.

Luckily, my parentals were in town and they made me feel much better about the situation... which when I took it to my car into my mechanic on Monday turned out to be much less of a problem... about $1000 less :)

Which brings me to late Monday night.

My mother and father are not healthy, my brother too. In fact I would even venture to say we are all codependent in our addiction to food. It's really bad. Anyways, I have been really proud because my mom started taking water aerobics classes at her fitness club a few times a week. I could have jumped for joy when I found out- and she seemed to be enjoying it! My father has been making an effort to walk more each day as well. These may seem like small things to some people, but they are HUGE in my family. I was so happy to hear they were attempting to move, instead of sit in front of the TV and eat food either at odd hours or ALL DAY. The smallest steps lead to the biggest ones and I thought to myself, "Maybe they are finally gonna get healthy"... please keep in mind- and I told them this as well- I don't care about how they look. They are the most beautiful people in the world... inside and out... but I KNOW if they don't lose at least 20% of their body weight- they are in big trouble.

Anywho... despite this small change I just found out my mother has adult on-set diabetes. Meaning- she gave it to herself! My father was in this boat as well... but with his medications he thinks it doesn't matter. So here I am, getting healthy... living a beautiful new life... while my parents are continuing in the killing of their bodies and GIVING themselves diabetes!

I cannot express enough how much it hurts. There are people sick, I mean really sick, with cancer; diabetics who would give anything to not be afflicted with this disease on a daily basis, and here are my parents- who are fully aware of their actions- mistreating their bodies and giving themselves these terrible illness'! WTF?!?!?!??!?!!

Back to Monday night... my mom has been sick. She has been retaining so much water that it is in her lungs, and they were worried it was in her heart. Mind you... both of her parents suffered from massive heart attacks... can you see why I would worry? She just up and decides not to go to her water aerobics class. Just like that. Like a fucking rebellious teenager- she just doesn't go. So I tell my dad, who said it bothered him that she didn't go, to take her to the club and go in the pool with her. He didn't do it. He watched the game instead.

So, needless to say Tuesday morning I was upset. I hate that all this is happening to her and she is still refusing to do anything about it- like if she ignores it it will just go away. So I wrote an email to Richard, asking his advice and as I was hitting the send button I got a call from my mom's best friend Bonnie.

I was supposed to drive out to surprise my mom in SD, where she was going to visit her BF for her 60th birthday, yesterday. Needless to say, Bonnie called to tell me she wasn't coming. She was getting very dizzy and needed to go to the doctor. When I heard I flipped. I had a meltdown. Exactly 13 months ago, to the day, my mother was in the hospital for a possible heart attack. What in the hell is it going to take for her to start taking care of herself?!?

I talked to Bonnie and cried. Stepped out of work and just told her everything I was feeling. How mad I am at them for doing this. How mad I am for them making me feel like my concerns were not legitimate... it's all because I have OCD... how worried I am that I am not going to have able parents in a few years time and what that is going to do to my whole family. It just sucks. Watching your parents abuse themselves and getting mad at me when I try to express my concerns. I LOVE them. I don't want to hurt their feelings... it's not about being "Fat" it's about being HEALTHY. Call me selfish, but I want them here to meet their grandchildren.

So, now my mom is in the hospital. On her 60th birthday.

I can only hope that, maybe, this is the time. This is it. This is when they will both make an effort to get healthy. But I am running out faith. Until they decide to do it for themselves. Until they really decide that their life is about more than just FOOD... until then it's going to be a vicious cycle that I have no idea how to separate my feelings from. I love them too much.

Ugh.

You know what else pisses me off?? It sends ME into depression- which makes me want to eat. The first thing I think of when I get really sad is chocolate. No joke. Then I have to remind myself how stupid that is! She is in the hospital because she doesn't take care of herself and if I step back I will be in her shoes. Well, no FUCKING THANKS!!!!

On my 60th birthday I want to be out celebrating on a beach... or in the mountains with my loves ones. I am not committing myself to an early grave or a wheelchair. I am making a commitment to myself, right here and now, that I am going to live a long and healthy life and I am going to experience everything I can and should.

I know she will be OK today. I just really want them both to think about tomorrow. Please mom and dad, if you ever listen to anything I say, please let it be this ...

I love you with all my heart and soul. You are my parents and friends. I need you in my life for as long as you are able. I want nothing more than for you to see all the things you want to see, do all the things you want to do. Please don't decide to check out early... because if you don't take care of yourself, if you choose this lifestyle, then that's exactly what you are doing. It is possible, you can do it. The only thing standing in your way is you.

I love you.