I prayed that he would take care of my grandparents...
I prayed that he would make sure my family wasn't in any pain...
I prayed that I could be strong for them...
And I prayed that I would wake up and be thin.
I used to lay there in bed, night after night, praying that I would wake up skinny. In my mind, I would wake up thin, and all the pain would be gone. The boys would like me. I wouldn't feel insecure anymore, I would be totally accepted and I would be beautiful.
Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?
But you know what... it's not. It is not easy, and I am blessed to know that, and I am happy about that. If it were that easy, everyone would look the same, talk the same, dress the same and act the same. There wouldn't be anything special or different about any of us.
I am the way I am today because of what I went through. I am the kind hearted, sincere, loyal friend with a loud mouth and even louder laugh because of the shit that I had to endure.
We all are.
I'm sure I could have lived without someone "oinking" at me while out with my girlfriends... or being called a "fat ass" by the angry dude in the back of class... or certain people I love saying cruel things and not even realizing that they hurt me... but I don't know if I would be as strong and proud of myself as I am now without them.
I overcame something that is so brutal and so damaging, I overcame that voice in the back of my head telling me I wasn't good enough because I was fat. I learned to LOVE myself and LIKE myself and know that no matter what my weight is, no matter how big or small I am, that I AM WORTH IT.
I can, honestly, look in the mirror and be happy now. There will always be things to work on - I want my stomach flatter and I wish my arms weren't so droopy, but I can still look in the mirror and be pleased with what I have seen and what I have accomplished. I get to see my success every time I look at my reflection! It's like wearing a permanent medal or something! I might forget it sometimes, because I am human, but then I remember that I have done something wonderful, and if I could PRAY the last 20lbs I want to lose away I WOULDN'T! I DID THIS. Not God or any quick fix... I DID IT. I worked my ass off, literally, and I can look back at everything I have accomplished and be PROUD.
I was thinking about it the other day, and I told some friends, if I could change one thing about my appearance RIGHT NOW, if I could wake up and it would be fixed, I wouldn't change anything EXCEPT my feet. I would make my feet a size 10 so I could buy all the shoes I wanted! HA! It's not something I could actually change, which is what makes it so great---
I look in the mirror and I am confident and happy enough with myself that I would stay just the way I am. I know that I can lose the rest of the weight. I know that I am capable, both physically and emotionally, of some extraordinary things... and it's all because of the journey. If I woke up tomorrow "perfect" I would never appreciate it. I earned this body. I earned my happiness.
I don't pray as much anymore. It's not often I find myself chatting it up with God, asking him to do things for me. It's not because I don't believe in God, because I do... it's because I know that my life is my own. I am responsible for myself and this body. No one can fix or change me. I am me and that is beautiful and extraordinary. I am an exceptional being and every day I am given is a day to accomplish something... whether it be to make someone smile, laugh, run, play, jump, or just listen IT'S ALL MINE, and I do believe this is the only one I get.
Moral of the story... just LOVE yourself, be kind to your body, and don't spend another minute unhappy and dwelling on the beauty that is you. If you are uncomfortable in your own skin and want to lose weight, know that it will take time. There is NO QUICK FIX. Even surgeries take work if they are going to be successful in the long term. But I can promise you that you will appreciate every step you take, because it will be something new and something that YOU accomplished despite all of the negativity in your life. You did it. I did it.
