Truth is this... I don't talk about my weight in person. Few people in my life get to hear about how I really feel. In fact, NO ONE in my life knows how I really feel. I think the people I am closest to can venture a guess... They would say that I am "unhappy" and "insecure"- and they wouldn't be wrong. But they don't know the inner workings of my obsessive, terrible, and taunting mind.
I HATE my body. I HATE being in photographs. I Hate that I have the most GORGEOUS girlfriends (I have good taste) and constantly feel like the third and much more unattractive wheel when we go out.
Let's get some things straight though- I am not always unhappy. In fact, quite the opposite, as I consider myself a very upbeat, warm, and charismatic person... thats how I roll. I am funny, and smart, and charming and I know how to get the attention in a room. A wallflower I am not.
More recently I have tried to embrace how heavy I am. Not because I actually feel sexy and confident. But because I have to------------
I am an actress. A starving (Ha-mothafuckin-ha) artist who wants nothing more to be a HUGE (all jokes aside) part of this industry. And I have realized, that at the size I am there is a place for me here. It may not be ideal, I won't be auditioning as much as everyone else but there is a place for me. So, I have accepted it and used it to my advantage. I mean... I am me- this is ME at this specific point in time. I am very proud that I have built up the confidence to embrace this fact.
Anyways, I digress (sort of... after all everything I say is REAL important) the point is I, kind of, want to stop- oh I don't know- punishing myself... and start taking care of myself.
I like life. I like living... it's pretty rad, and Nothing scares me more than ending up as unhealthy as my parents.
DISCLAIMER:
I hate saying that. Even typing it is hard- because I could only hope to be even a shell of the people that they are. They are the best people I know, and I love them. But they are very unhealthy, and they are at an age where it is harder and harder for them to do anything about it. They could, but they won't. I would love for them to prove me wrong- so Mommy, if you are reading this then prove me wrong!
DISCLAIMER OUT!
I just don't want to end up overweight with high bp high cholesterol and asthma when I am 50. Being 24 is hard enough with high BP and arthritis in my back. This weight is not making anything any better.
You might, at this point, be asking, "Geez, then do something about it" Oh silly grasshopper I have. I have tried. I have been very successful... but when I fail it is written all over my body. For everyone to see. When I gain weight back EVERYONE sees it. The compliments stop coming and friends give you more of a once over, and by the way- I see when you look me up and down and change the subject- and no it doesn't make me hate you... it makes me hate me.
This is why it's been such a struggle to try again. This is why I have tried to just deal with how I am now... it hasn't worked. And, I am getting older and I should do it while I still have an athletic bone in my body.
I have to start differently though. I need to start with the attitude of being healthy because I don't want a heart attack and maybe the added thrill of having more leg room on a plane. Because this whole, I wanna be in a swimsuit and be GORGEOUS thing doesn't withstand the test of time with me. Maybe its because I know I am, somewhat, attractive. I have a grandmother who constantly reminds me "What a beautiful FACE" I have... and I know I am not a total nast-nast (as Kelly would say). So I'm thinking that the fact that I still get attention, the fact that I am still pretty, is actually a draw! HA! Who woulda thought... "Oh this face, to be cursed with this beauty!"
I am also... a food addict- DU DU DUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!! This is not an excuse. This is not a joke... I am totally addicted to sweets and sugar. I have used them to make me feel better for the last 24 years. And those of my friends who can identify with this, you know--- it BLOWS! Because food is EVERYWHERE... and you need it to survive and it's just FUN! Who doesn't like eating? It's totally delightful! Plus, going out in LA is a total pastime and was definitely how is went in my pad growing up!
So there it is: My name is Leya Oakley and I am a food addict.
Some people don't think there is such a thing, that its sheer laziness that keeps me this way. I have one thing left to say to those people... and I wrote it in a song:
Go Fuck Yourself,
Ya, ya, ya,
Go Fuck Yourself.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Bottom line is this: You don't know what its like being me, just like I don't know what its like being you. This is so much more mental then it is physical for 95% of the people struggling with weight. It is self mutilation at its finest! Usually people who don't think that are worth a damn because others made sure to tell them that.
We live in a society where appearance matters. There is nothing more popular, or NOW, than being thin. Try walking in Beverly Hills being overweight and tell me then if its a choice... or a lifestyle that needs to be wrung in and changed.
Its not going to be easy. Honestly, I don't even want to publish this fucking thing...
But here is the thing, I give other people advice all the time (It's real smart-like too) and its time I start taking some of my own... IF I am not happy with where I am at right now, I need to change it.
There it is, loud and clear. It's time to take care of me and stop worrying about other people (I know, I know... you're thinking- gosh she IS like ghandi). It's time for me to stop saying "Next week..." or "I'm not ready" because If not NOW... WHEN?
Love love and more love!
Wish me luck!
