Control

A lot has happened since my last blog. I was doing really well this summer, pushing myself hard at the gym. Working on toning everything up, and then I got into a little care accident and it messed with my, already fucked up, back.

Stupid arthritis.

Stupid back.

Stupid food that I PAYED for that I ate in droves that caused me to get so big that I gave myself arthritis before I was 25!

But, whats done is done. I cannot, and will not, punish myself for my past mistakes. At first I was upset about it... but then I can't change what happened then, I am not in control of that any longer. But I am in control of today. That's right. I am in control of my own life!!

I have realized so many things about myself, about my family, and about life in general in the past few months. The biggest thing that I have learned is that I am only responsible for me. I cannot make anyone be the person I want them to be. I have no control over their actions. The only person I am in complete control over is ME. Now, some people might feel like everything is happening to them. Their circumstances might be much less fortunate than mine, or yours, but the bottom line is ----------

SHIT WILL HAPPEN ALL THE TIME, IT'S HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT THAT IS UP TO YOU.

For instance, when I was sad or hurt, I went to food. I didn't go for a walk, or talk to a friend, or dance... I ate. That was how I dealt with things. Well, now things are different for me. With all the shit that has been going on in my family, instead of bottling it up and eating a barrell of ice cream I went to the gym. I did something I could be proud of. When I finally had enough, I drank some wine and I cried. I cried in the most dramatic and grossest way possible. I am talking snot covering my face, sobbing... hugging my dog and crying into his fur... shit I find hilarious now, I did. When I realized I couldn't do it on my own, I called my best friend and she listened and she talked it out with me and made me laugh. I dealt with it in my own way. I dealt with all these things without coping with food. Admittedly, I have slipped here and there. But instead of beating myself up and continuing to use food as THE WORST CRUTCH KNOWN TO MAN, I got back into the gym straight away.

I am in control.

I know that now.

No matter how bad life can get, how miserable things can be, I know that I am in control. I am in control of how I react to things. I can make any situation better, or brighter, by taking healthy steps... whether it is hitting the gym or calling my best friend... I am in control of my life.