I have discovered a way to combine the things I love to do! I love making people feel good about themselves, I love creating characters & I love storytelling--- talk about the perfect place for me! I am so grateful. I am really happy in work - I'll be even happier when I make a living doing it - but I am so in love with my career, and I have been missing that for quite some time.
But onto what this blog has been about... my weight...
Oi.
Well... it's been a struggle. When I started school I thought it would be easier for me to continue losing weight, because I wouldn't be snacking like I did at work all day. Plus, I get out at 4pm so that should be plenty of time, right?! I was wrong. My motivation and focus switched from my weight loss to my career, and so much energy was being expelled during school that once I got home, I was dead. I started falling asleep by 9PM! On top of that, I wasn't eating properly... during school I was OK... but when I got home I would sit there with ice cream straight from the tub or the chocolate frosting (Don't judge me) and just completely sabotage myself. My cravings were, and have been, out of control! I hate to use this phrase, but I really did "let myself go" when it came to my diet.
So here is the cold hard truth - since school began I have gained 13 pounds. There... I said it.
You know what? It's OK. I will lose it and then the rest. I know I am capable and life has continued to remind me how important my health is.
I think, with what I am doing, I am constantly thinking about other people & I have been neglecting myself. This is the first week that I have done my makeup every day, worn cute outfits, and felt pretty again.
I forgot that I am attractive. Despite how much I joke about it, I really have neglected taking the time and effort to feel like the beautiful woman that I am. That directly reflects in my weight gain. Had I been taking the weekends to get dolled up, and spent a little more time on myself, I don't think I would have punished myself with food like I have been. This is the first week I am starting to feel good again, and I am going to allow this discovery to boost me into another big loss! :)
You know what has really done it, though? My family. My mom and dad's health problems, now coupled with my brother's has kicked me into high gear again. I really HATE the way they treat their bodies. I hate that they do things that can contribute to an early death. I HATE that any time I say anything to them in the way of food and exercise I am treated like the enemy. I get it, but I hate it. I always thought I could inspire my family. I have gotten countless emails from people I have never even met about my inspiring them... but I have not been able to inspire my family. They support what I have done with every ounce of their being, but they do not make the effort for themselves. I have tried guilt and love and common sense... I have encouraged them to take walks with me, and offered to show them the ropes in the gym... but they have refused. Refused or placated me. And I can't pretend like it doesn't hurt. Yes, I am emotional and sensitive, but my family means the world to me... and I want to keep them for as long as I can.
So both my mother and my brother will be going into the hospital at the same time, for something that could have been better cared for had they just treated their bodies kindly. Now I sit here, feeling guilty for not being there and guilty for being mad... I really hope that this is it. I hope that my brother realizes how awesome he is and knows he and his life is worth the work. I hope that my mother stops sabotaging herself and learns to love herself enough to treasure her health.
I hope, and that is all I can do for them. In the mean time I am going to take care of myself, continue to lead by example, get where I want to be with my health and my career, and love myself. I will get there, it's been a bumpy road, but I will do it.
In losing this weight I have gained a life, and I am not willing to give that up for any piece of chocolate cake.
Love, LOVE and more LOVE!!!!!!!
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