It's been a while...

The title of this post says it all.

Not that it is anything new to anyone who follows my blog, but I haven't been keeping you all up to date with my journey.

I feel like I owe you an explanation. Not for you necessarily... sorry... but for my own sanity. My not writing and sharing with all of you has been an act of, what I thought was, self preservation.

Losing weight is hard. Fun fucking fact. That is something that most people don't understand. The reason it hasn't gotten any easier for me is because I am an emotional eater. I am a food addict. I am impulsive, emotional, head strong and impatient. It is for all of these reasons that I have avoided, at all costs, sharing my struggles these last few months.

I have thought about it. I have opened my blog on a few occasions and stared, and thought. I thought about what I could say, how I could motivate and inspire when I can't seem to motivate and inspire myself. And I haven't really wanted help. Because asking for help would be admitting defeat. Is that "Bullshit" I hear trailing from your lips? Well, I agree my friends. It is bullshit. I didn't start this journey on my own, in fact I do not believe that there is a way to lose weight and keep it off in this world completely on your own. I need help and moral support and something pushing me towards my goals. I need people with me, behind me, cheering me on... and I need to be my own biggest cheerleader.

So why have I been absent you ask? Well, I will tell you...

The last time you heard from me I was dealing with a whole lot of changes in my life. I hit my 100lbs weight loss and I became scared. I was now lighter than I can ever remember being. I was getting attention from men that made me uncomfortable... it made me feel objectified and insecure... and yet, it was the kind of attention I had thought that I always wanted.

But the biggest issue I encountered was in my family. My mother went into the hospital and was told there was a mass on her kidney. Never in my life have I been so scared. I have shared with you all how close I am to my parents. How much I wish they would get healthy and live the lives they deserve to live- well into their 80's. All I could think for the next few months was "CANCER"... it was devastating. I wanted to escape, to run and hide. I wanted to scream and cry but I didn't want to give any more power to this sickness than it already had. I was scared to really feel what I was feeling, I had to be strong for my mom and myself. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I fought with my brother, I cried to my friends, and for a very long month I only wanted to hug my mommy.

Luckily, the outcome was better than it ever could have been. She was lucky that they even found the cancer in the first place, it was a miracle really. She had her surgery, removed the tumor and saved her kidney. She is lucky. We are lucky. We are all so blessed.

I should have been able to work through all of that. I should have been able to still focus on my health and feel what I was feeling. But I didn't. I reverted to some very bad old habits of focusing on everyone but myself. And I was so relieved that the worst was over, my mother was declared "Cancer Free" by the best doctors in California, and I didn't have to worry anymore. So I really didn't worry. I relaxed. I just wanted to relax. I didn't want to worry, or think about anything but being worry free! I thought I needed that time to just have some fun and not think about losing weight. However, this is not the case. I was avoiding what I have to do. I knew it too, which is why I never blogged in this time. I never shared what I was feeling or thinking or doing because I was avoiding.

The truth is I was tired. I was tired of having to lose weight. I had lost 100lbs and I still have more to go. It felt like I was running a marathon and hitting my wall. On top of that is this fear that I have of losing the weight that has been both a burden and a kind of shelter for so long. It is scary to really discover a new version of yourself after so many years of being "the big girl"

No one tells you that. I was never prepared to get to a point where losing more weight would be scary. And then there is the failure factor. What if I failed? What if the weight just wasn't coming off? What if I lost the weight and didn't like the way I looked? What if someone looked at me and still put me in a "fat girl" category? Or worst of all--- What if I got to my goal and then I gained it back? There is no escape from that. There is no way to hide when you gain weight. It is there, for everyone to see. Everyone who has loved and supported me, cheered for me or called me "inspirational" would watch me crumble. It scared the shit out of me!

So I "relaxed".

I have been sitting in my own version of purgatory. Not moving forward but teetering within the same 7lbs for the last 3 months. I hate it. It has not been fun for me. I am not happy where I am right now. I am so stagnant that it is hard to remember how far I have come. I should be happy every day with my success, I achieved what many cannot even fathom.

So here it is... since December I have gained 6lbs. Some of you might think I am crazy for worrying about this. But gaining is not an option for me. I have worked too hard to gain any weight back. I have sweated and cried and sacrificed for each pound that has left my ass and joined someone else's! So 6lbs is a big fucking deal. Now, what I cannot do is beat myself up for these 6lbs. Instead I need to start fresh.

I need to be the kick in my own ass and get back to where I was and then continue on to where I want to be. And in doing this I need to remember "why".

I am losing this weight for me, myself, and I... For my health and my happiness... so I will forever respect myself and my accomplishments.

So here are the goals I am setting for myself for all of you (maybe 2 or 3) to be a witness to:

1. Wear tank tops this summer.

2. Reach 120 pound weight loss by August.

3. Control my sweet binges.

4. Run a 10 minute mile.

5. Get representation.

6. Take boxing lessons.

7. Get into a size 10 and never look back.

Thanks for being there with me and for me throughout all of this!

Love, love and MORE LOVE!!!!

XOXO