I am at that point in my life where I feel very "in between" everything. Some of you will probably identify with how I am currently feeling. I think everyone goes through it, just at different ages. Right now all I can think is-- "I am getting older"
OLDER.
I know you are shaking your heads right now-- I AM only 26. I know I have many years to get where I want to be. But right now, I am not headed in any specific direction. This is the problem with trying to be an actress. Even when I am working, I will always... ALWAYS... be looking for more work. I will never be settled and completely comfortable. Unless of course I become a star, which would be nice, but I am shooting to be a working actress- and make a living by doing what I am love and am good at.
I am always thinking about what else I can do.
I am not ready to give up what I am most passionate about. One day, if it just isn't working for me, I might venture to a completely different place and just run my own theatre company. But right now, I am where I need to be for how I want to be involved. The problem, of course, comes from working ten hour days doing something I hate while watching others pursue their passions and feel more fulfilled than I have felt in the last 2 years.
I am so blessed to have my job. I love the people I work with. LOVE. I can audition, I am supported, I laugh and I get to make other people happy. That is the best part of my job. When people walk thru the door it makes me happy- really happy- to make them smile. Everyone in this industry takes their jobs so seriously, and I love having the responsibility of putting a smile on their face before they start their day. I know, I know... it's cheesy. But that is what I get from my job. It may not be much, but it is something.
But my job is a job. It is not my career. And while I am not ready to give up trying to make acting my full time gig, I am ready to do something else I am PASSIONATE about. I want to be able to be proud of what I do. When I tell people I am a receptionist at a production company I tend to say it as quick as possible, and follow it up with an excuse. I shouldn't be living a life where I feel the need to excuse myself for my job. I am not doing anything I should be ashamed of! I make a living, I have health insurance and I am fucking productive member of society. The shame comes from me. From my being unhappy and unfulfilled.
So how do I change that?
No, really, if you know tell me!
How in the world do I still pursue my true PASSION and do something that makes me feel good?
I want to get up in the morning and feel excited about what I get to do;
And the one thing that excites me... is helping people. I really do LOVE to help people. I LOVE when I can make a difference in someone's day -- or life.
Which brings me to the conversation I had yesterday with a very dear friend...
She brought up my doing something in the realm of being a motivational mentor of sorts.
This is, oddly enough, something I have been thinking about for the last 6 months. It has been my intention to talk to my inspiration, Richard Simmons, and ask him how I go about even doing this. But... I just felt silly. I am worried that I am not qualified to help people. That I don't have enough life experience, that people will think "Who is this bitch to tell me...?" or that because I am not completely happy with where I am I have no right to try to motivate other people.
BUT... this is not true-- Especially the last. I am and will always be, a work in progress.
I will always be striving to be better, healthier & more knowledgeable until the day I die.
We are all a work in progress.
So if someone can identify with me and my journey, which so many of you have, than why can I not make it a competent part of my every day life? Why can I not make it a part of my work in this life?
Honestly, if the tables were turned on me I would say, "There is no reason. Go for it. Help give a face to those who feel very alone"...
For so long I grew up thinking no one knew how it felt to be overweight. I had the prettiest friends, and even when they struggled with their weight, I thought they were better than I was. I thought I was different. In feeling so different, I felt very alone.
I was not alone.
None of us are.
Somewhere there is someone who can identify with you.
That is why I love being an actress. I love playing a character and having people identify with me. I love allowing someone an emotional response because of some repressed feeling that they see played out on the screen or on the stage. It is beautiful.
You know what I would love to do?
I would love to be able to travel to different High Schools and Middle Schools and share my story. I would love to be able to look at these kids and explain how it felt to hate the body I was in. And then I would love to stand there and tell them how happy I am to be me. I would love to look at them and promise that it gets better, that they are worth it, that no person who is spewing hatred deserves the privilege of ruling their emotions. The only person who really DESERVES that right is you.
It took me way too long to realize that I was giving everyone else control over how I felt about myself... and I have discovered my worth sooner than most do!
I can't think of anything else that would make me happier than sharing my story and helping other people. Wouldn't that be nice?
I'm trying to think of a pitch for a program that I can bring to a few different people.
But I am still scared.
I am still nervous.
I am still unsure of myself in this dream. Can I really make a life out of helping people?
Will I finally wake up and be able to be proud of what I do?
Can I finally find satisfaction in my everyday life?
Do I have what it takes to really motivate and inspire someone?
Gotta figure it out... Wish me luck!!!
Love, LOVE & more LOVE!!!!
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