Self Sabotage

No excuses. This is how it is. I have been self sabotaging my success.

Anyone who loses weight, or really makes any life altering changes, knows that this can be a part of the process.

I think that there are many reasons why this comes to be. But I can only speak for myself and I know that it is because I am scared of success. I am scared of what will happen with my career. I am scared of the attention I will get from men. I am scared to be in this uncharted territory and how people will perceive me. I am also scared of committing to it 100% again and failing. Not reaching my goal weight/size. These things SCARE me. So... it is easier to just not try anymore, right?! WRONG!!!!

It is way worse to just stay in this plateau I have created for myself. Every day I don't eat right... I feel guilty. Every time I don't exersize... I feel guilty. Every time I step on the scale and it is within the same damn 5lbs I feel guilty!!!

I have worked way too hard to stop now... just because of fear. If I let fear control my life than I will never live the life that I want. I won't see the things I want to see or do the things I have always wanted to do. I will be stuck in the same place until I decide to follow my heart. I don't want that.

In the last 14 months I have seen and done things that I never would have --- all because I took a chance. When I first started losing weight I looked at where I was and where I needed to be and I freaked!!! How in the hell does it feel to know that you have over 100lbs to lose to just be healthy...? It is daunting. It is one of the scariest things that I have ever had to come to terms with. But I did, because I had to. Because I knew the life I was living was not the life I wanted or DESERVED. I deserved so much more than what I allowed myself at 307lbs. So I started slowly. I started by surrounding myself with positive people and having fun while losing weight. The pounds started shedding and soon the amount I had left didn't seem quite as daunting.

The point is, as scary as it was... it was not unattainable... and it was soooo worth it. As scared as I was to go to that first class at Slimmons... as petrified as it was to step on that scale again... and as frightening as it was to tell friends what I was trying to do again --- in the end it was all SO WORTH IT.

So why wouldn't these next 20lbs be worth it? Won't it be just as satisfying to walk away from the candies at work and walk towards the park for a 3 mile run. Will it be as great to get off the couch on the weekends and head towards the hills for a hike? Won't it be great to be full because I am eating leaner, healthier foods and cooking again?!

The answer... YES. Yes it will! It will be amazing. It will be new and exciting and different.

And let me tell you, when I lose these next few pounds and get under 200lbs (for the first time since I was a child) it will feel amazing. I will do a happy dance the entire day. I will shout from a rooftop my success! I will sing the entire day... in the car, in the shower, on the pot, in the grocery store. I will have so many more amazing memories because I accomplished something that was scary. It is so worth every cookie I give up and every calorie I burn! I am worth it!!

I will not let this fear stop me any longer. I determine my own happiness and I am not going to let anyone or anything stop me. Not even myself.

Get 'er done!!!!!!!

Love, LOVE and MORE LoVe!!!!!!!!!!!