It's totally ridiculous, I know. But it is a genuine thought.
You see, when I was seriously overweight, I always thought that I was looked at in a different light than everyone else. When someone would tell me my face was pretty and leave out the rest of me, I felt justified in feeling like this. It sucked.
Last night an agent that I have met thru classes came and said something extremely insulting to me. He grabbed my face, mentioned I had lost more weight and said "There is a pretty girl just waiting to come out... just beneath the surface" my response to this was probably the same as any of yours would have been - feeling like the wind got knocked out of me, stuttering that I didn't know how to feel about that followed by the thoughts, "I am ugly right now" over and over and over again. It was painful.
Let me tell you, I haven't had the best week body image- wise. It's a lot to get used to still. I met some guy who was obsessed with my body and my looks, which was nice at first, but then made me feel like the insecure fat girl, like all he saw was my body. Whether he liked what he saw or not, it made me uncomfortable.
So I wasn't feeling to hot to start. At the same time, yesterday was better, and I went to class looking good, feeling good. Then that. Those shitty ass words that fucked up my mind.
When am I going to be enough for people?! When am I going to be more than just a "pretty face"? When am I going to be JUST PRETTY!?
To be fair to this clueless gentleman- he did continue with how pretty my face is how stunning my eyes are and... yea... but the damage was done. I also understood what he was saying. He was coming from an industry "type" perspective. I know the reason I am struggling to get auditions right now, or find an agent, is because I am a very pretty girl in an average body. There is no such thing as average in my age range. For the most part.
Having said that... I have no desire to be a leading lady. I have no desire to compete with the 10, or so, leading ladies of Hollywood and 1,000's of other gorgeous girls! It's not the route I want my career to go. I want to follow Allison Janey and Joan Cussak... I want to be an "every woman" who happens to be curvy and vivacious and sexy and beautiful and FUNNY and vulnerable! That is the career I am striving for... and I don't have to be a size 2 to do that!
Moral of the story is this... fuck, I don't know! Don't use the "pretty face" line on anyone. Seriously. Just tell them they are pretty, because that's what they are. There are no exceptions to beauty. We are all different and all beautiful in our own way. Cheesy... yes? True... also yes! There is something wonderful about being unique, it is what makes beauty timeless. There is nothing wrong with you, or me, or any of us. We are all different and all special.
I am losing weight for me. For my health and my self esteem. I will decide what size I want to be. I will not lose weight to fit into a mold unless I want to. This is my body and I am not going to let any agent tell me who they think I should be!
I AM ENOUGH!!!
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