Body Image

Body image. Image of body. Of image body... this is me trying to figure out how the fuck I am going to explain what I want to --- without sounding like a whiney idiot. But, I realize by switching around three words I just sound like even more of an idiot. Maybe not quite as whiney. Definitely just special.

Still stalling.

How do I explain this...?

Let's start with today. That's the easiest way, I suppose.

Today... I don't like my body. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. I feel stuck. I am tired of being this size. I want to be at goal. I feel like a fat girl again. I look in the mirror and analyze how much more I have to lose and it makes me fucking bummed. Like... seriously bummed. I have lost 100lbs! 100... mother fucking... l-b-'s! That's a lot. I have worked really hard and yet... I still feel like the fat girl. I am still insecure. I still worry about sizes, and where or if, I will be able to find a dress I want. I can't share clothes with my girlfriends. I can't borrow some guys sweater and have it be so big I drowned in it --- thereby I happen to look adorable and the guy gets all smitten with me and asks me out on a nice, normal, date. He might even open my door and not try to stick his tongue down my throat right away --- but I digress...

The point is... well I suppose I don't really have a point. I know where I want to be and I am not there and it fucking sucks.

I want to be done with this!!!! And the saddest part of this is that I will never be done. I will never be done working out and eating right and walking regularly. This has become my fucking lifelong job. And THAT fucking sucks. Don't get me wrong... I love the workouts, the dancing, the feeling after I finish running a mile without stopping... I enjoy those things. But the battle with the scale will be never ending. My food addiction is never ending. I will always have cravings and I will always want to order my Indian food and eat ice cream when I have a cold or am having a bad day. I will always have to fight these instincts that are so engrained in me that it KILLS me. Sometimes I just want to rip out that part of my brain... the part that LOVES FOOD! I dunno which lobe that is... but that lobe is an ASSHOLE.

I cried to my mother today while walking back to work. Didn't even know how sad it was really making me... just looking for a dress for a specific event. Not only do I have NO MONEY to buy such a dress... but I tried on a size 14 dress of my friend's and it didn't fit! My boobs wouldn't fucking fit! It made me feel sick... it makes me want to throw up... not in the bulemic way... but in the GENUINELY sick of this kinda way. I tried on another size 14 dress and it zipped but my boobs were squashed and I might not be able to breathe because of it!

Some of you might be thinking to yourself, "Well, you have big boobs... boo fucking hoo" well--- I don't want big boobs that make me a size 14 or larger! I want to be a size 10 already! I want the hourglass figure that will make me feel sexy and luscious. I want the arms that don't continue to wave at you after I already said "hello". I want a stomach that is soft but doesn't move when I jump up and down. I want to wear tank tops and strapless dresses and NOT feel like I have to wear a cardigan over it. I want to just be there and be happy.

FUCK!!!!!!!!

Before I get any responses to this post please know that I am proud of myself. I am not giving up and I know, eventually, I will get there. I also know that the size battle is kinda lame. Someone can be a size 2 and have to buy a size 8 at certain stores. I get that. The anger and hurt and frustration comes from the fact that I have worked so hard to get away from plus size that it is a mind fuck when I have to go back. It makes me feel wretched. People who have never battled weight will never understand that. Ever. Walk a day in my shoes and you will understand. Better yet, try being a size 24 and getting down to a 12/14 and then having to buy something in a size 16... it. is. fucked. up.

So... my body image is a bit fucked up, as you can see. I suppose it comes with the territory. I suppose I am going to have bouts of anger and depression. I suppose this all comes with the fact that this is the hardest challenge of life, up to this point.

I really want to end this on a positive note... but for the first time I am totally unsure of how to do that. Maybe you can walk away from this knowing that if you are going through the same thing, if you are unhappy with your body or where you are at in life, that you are not alone. It is a struggle and heartache... the most important thing is to look back and remember the good. To take in the journey from where you started. Maybe then we will realize how worth it the struggle is.

So... on that note--- I am going to go look at some old pictures and read some old posts. Then, after work, I'm gonna go workout. I'm gonna have a healthy dinner and get some good sleep. And tomorrow will be a better and healthier day.

Love, love and more love!!!

Pretty Face

I think the most dreaded compliment for a few women, besides myself, is the "You have such a pretty face" deelio. I understand the underlying sentiment, but I will tell you- when you say that to any girl the automatic thought is, "So the rest of me is ugly?!"

It's totally ridiculous, I know. But it is a genuine thought.

You see, when I was seriously overweight, I always thought that I was looked at in a different light than everyone else. When someone would tell me my face was pretty and leave out the rest of me, I felt justified in feeling like this. It sucked.

Last night an agent that I have met thru classes came and said something extremely insulting to me. He grabbed my face, mentioned I had lost more weight and said "There is a pretty girl just waiting to come out... just beneath the surface" my response to this was probably the same as any of yours would have been - feeling like the wind got knocked out of me, stuttering that I didn't know how to feel about that followed by the thoughts, "I am ugly right now" over and over and over again. It was painful.

Let me tell you, I haven't had the best week body image- wise. It's a lot to get used to still. I met some guy who was obsessed with my body and my looks, which was nice at first, but then made me feel like the insecure fat girl, like all he saw was my body. Whether he liked what he saw or not, it made me uncomfortable.

So I wasn't feeling to hot to start. At the same time, yesterday was better, and I went to class looking good, feeling good. Then that. Those shitty ass words that fucked up my mind.

When am I going to be enough for people?! When am I going to be more than just a "pretty face"? When am I going to be JUST PRETTY!?

To be fair to this clueless gentleman- he did continue with how pretty my face is how stunning my eyes are and... yea... but the damage was done. I also understood what he was saying. He was coming from an industry "type" perspective. I know the reason I am struggling to get auditions right now, or find an agent, is because I am a very pretty girl in an average body. There is no such thing as average in my age range. For the most part.

Having said that... I have no desire to be a leading lady. I have no desire to compete with the 10, or so, leading ladies of Hollywood and 1,000's of other gorgeous girls! It's not the route I want my career to go. I want to follow Allison Janey and Joan Cussak... I want to be an "every woman" who happens to be curvy and vivacious and sexy and beautiful and FUNNY and vulnerable! That is the career I am striving for... and I don't have to be a size 2 to do that!

Moral of the story is this... fuck, I don't know! Don't use the "pretty face" line on anyone. Seriously. Just tell them they are pretty, because that's what they are. There are no exceptions to beauty. We are all different and all beautiful in our own way. Cheesy... yes? True... also yes! There is something wonderful about being unique, it is what makes beauty timeless. There is nothing wrong with you, or me, or any of us. We are all different and all special.

I am losing weight for me. For my health and my self esteem. I will decide what size I want to be. I will not lose weight to fit into a mold unless I want to. This is my body and I am not going to let any agent tell me who they think I should be!

I AM ENOUGH!!!

Fuckin Scale...

Yea... that's right. I said it. Fucking Scale.

There really isn't a way to say the word "scale" without "fucking" or any other obscenity in front of it. I don't know anyone who likes the scale. Even when I hit my goal weight I won't like the scale! Because when I retain water and that jolly little 3 digit SOB number crawls up 2-3 lbs I will flip out and curse and hop off the scale like it has some sort of fucking weight gaining virus!

Now... the funny part of the battle with the "Fucking scale" is that I step on it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

That's right... every morning, after I wake up- before I eat breakfast- and after I empty my bladder (you're welcome) I get on that scale in my birthday suit and pray that the number has dropped.

This is a, relatively, healthy way to weigh yourself.

The problem is... it doesn't stop there. I will then weigh myself after I eat breakfast, after I work out, before bed & always when it is that time of the month and I feel like a heifer! I do it when I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am going to weigh more. Why do I have such a sick obsession?!? WTF is wrong with me?!?

Most of the time I can write off these numbers, I know why it is higher than it was in the morning... but sometimes it kills me. And yet, I still do it.

It's like this wicked little addictive habit that I just can't quit. I can't quit you ASSHOLE SCALE!!!

The good news is, my number is lower than it has been... almost ever. That I remember.

The bad news is, I am sick of it. It makes the journey much less fun when I obsess over a number.

I keep visualizing hiding it under my sink and only pulling it out once a week. But then I think, "What if I am retaining more water on that day than the day before... or the day before that..." and I never put it away.

The one time I did lean it against the wall (still in site JIC I got the craving) my dog knocked it over while running into the bathroom (no, he's not THAT potty trained) which just happened to turn it on... so I couldn't NOT step on it. I mean, Moses went to all that trouble to turn it on. It would be a waste of the battery. And it would be bad for the environment... and walls would crumble... and the end of the world would come sooner than we thought!!!!!!!!

Or maybe I am just fucking crazy over the fucking scale.

Richard always talks about how it is just a tool. We shouldn't be scared of it, or hate it, because it is just a tool that we use to get where we need to be. After all, the scale doesn't make me eat too much chocolate at work. Or drink more than my one diet dr. pepper. Or even make me chillax too much on my walking. It is just honest with me. Maybe that is what I am addicted to... the honesty of my progress. As opposed to how I used to hide from the scale. Hide from the absolute truth that I was dangerously overweight.

I am proud of myself every day. I need to be. But when I abuse this tool, just like anything else... it makes me unhappy. Obsession is not just a pretty perfume... it's a pain in the arse!

So in the end, I need to cut back on the number of times I step on the scale. I would rather go by my measurements.

For those who don't know, my ideal body type is Christina Hendricks... who is all sorts of woman! I think she is soooo sexy and has the body of a goddess. I hope I can get to the desired shape, but I know everyone isn't built the same...

36-32-36.... that's the goal for now.

When I get there... watch out! I am gonna be super sexified! Full sexual makeover!!!!

Anyways, moral of the story is I don't need to obsess over the number. I need to work on the inches.

However, when I lose 7 more LBS I am going to flippin' freak out! I will finally be under 200lbs... that's right I am at 207 right now... I can, honestly, not remember the last time I was under 200lbs. What a friggin' accomplishment that will be for me!!! It's sooooo exciting. EEEE!

In the end, if this helps anyone at all I will be happy. Just know that the scale is nothing to be scared of. The result of not taking care of yourself is. Just do it once a week. Once a week, or twice a month and be honest with yourself about what direction your health is headed.

I wasted so much time being unhappy about my weight... take the step in the right direction- the direction that makes you happy with yourself and your body.

The scale is our friend... just don't make it your best friend (the bastard)

Love, love & more LOVE!!!!!