Struggle Model

This is the title I would NEVER have given myself. The last thing I want to be looked at as is a "struggler"... the very thought makes me twinge with insecurity. I automatically want to distract people with my charm or prove myself by showing what I can do.

However, this was my title for a workout commercial I did a few weeks ago. Which will also explain why I have been absent from blogging.

I think it is safe to say that at this point, when I stop blogging it is because I am SEARCHING for something positive to say. When I can't find something positive and I am wallowing in self pity, I don't blog. I don't want people's sympathy, and I never want to be seen as weak.

But I am human... that doesn't make me weak, though. Like everyone else I am fragile. I am just a girl made up of different cells and blood and bones and muscle and I get emotional and hurt just as much as anyone else does. It's alright.

A few weeks ago my friend called to ask if I wanted to do a weight loss commercial. They wanted someone close to their goal weight and who is attractive and they were having trouble finding someone. So, he showed them my picture and they said they wanted me. Easiest job I have ever booked, LOL.

Naturally, I asked what this job would entail. I wanted to be sure it wasn't like a "Xenodrine" commercial where they put a heavier woman in a bikini and compare her with a fitness model. I have no desire to be apart of such false advertising, nor do I have the confidence to not be completely broken after something like that.

They assured me it was nothing of the sort. They would do some shots of me struggling to do a push up on my own, then doing a push up with the machine they are selling and... MAGIC! They also wanted to get a shot of me being unhappy with my flabby arms, but I was told it wouldn't be too excessive.

For those who don't know, the part of my body that I am most insecure about would be my ARMS... my arms and then my lower abdomen. Being a woman, losing weight in your arms is the hardest freaking thing! It's why one of my summer goals is to wear a tank top!

Anyways, doing this shot of me with my flabby arms was a lot worse than I thought. The camera was zoomed in on my arms, all flabby and soft for 20 minutes. I had to jiggle the fat this way and that... after 5 minutes my humor about the situation wore off. I was OK at first because I told myself, "Hey, woman all over have this same problem. This is where I am now, nothing to be ashamed of"... I guess I am not as strong as I thought. After what seemed like a lifetime we finally finished the shot and I felt b-r-o-k-e-n. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Of course I didn't, I put on a brave face and finished the shoot... watching the rest of the fitness models with their perfect physique's shoot their scenes.

Let me say, real quick, the people I worked with were wonderful! They were so supportive and fantastic and I have no issue with the commercial or the crew or anyone... I just didn't realize how much it bothers me to be seen as "The Struggler"

All I could think was "When will I be enough for this world?" I have worked so hard, I look great and feel great but in the industry I want to be a part of I am still labeled as BIG. That fucking blows.

And I never will be a size 2, so what am I supposed to do? How do I go about going on jobs if I hate going in for roles where they are asking for "heavy" or "chubby" in the breakdowns?!? Will I ever be comfortable enough in my own skin to not let it get me down? I used to be OK with it! You should have seen some of the breakdowns I would go out for before I lost weight! I hated it, of course, but it was who I was in that moment and I got to represent a type that had been neglected... I knew who I was and if it payed me - GREAT! But now, I hate it. I am too sensitive. I have worked too hard.

Unfortunately, the only way to change anything is to change it myself. No one is going to hand me my career. I need to learn to be OK, once again, with where I am in any given moment. I also have the power to show people what I am made of. I have the power to represent whatever "type" I want to represent. I am so much more than weight. I am so much more than the physical.

I am funny, smart, talented, whimsical, stubborn, confident, insecure, feisty, sexy, zany, loving and so much more... the weight does not make the woman. It is my job to get everyone else to see that.

I have to remind myself that I am in control of my own destiny. Whether I decide, in the end, that the film and television industry is for me, I am living my life for me and no one else. I only get one of them... why on earth should I waste my time worrying about how other people see me?!? It's so much easier said than done, trust me... I know. It has taken me over 2 weeks to start to step out of this funk I have been in. It has taken talks with my best friends and a lot of introspective thinking to come to the conclusion that I am OK right now. I am doing right by myself. And when I feel like I am no longer, I have to change it. It won't change for me.

My body didn't shed 100lbs because I willed it, I lost that weight because I was determined to change. I was determined to make myself happy... and healthy.

So screw anyone who judges you, or me, based on our size. Screw those who judge what you have chosen to do with your life.

I am living my life for me... we all should!

Love, LOVE & more LOVE!!!!

P.S. None of this has stopped me from kicking ass in my workouts!!!!!!! :)