When I was really heavy I used to pretend to be confident. Now, I am confident... but that confidence is new and easily tested. It only takes one look or one comment to get me to feel like the sad fat girl that no one wants. I go to a very sad mental place where I am undesirable, undeserving and not wanted.
Yesterday it wasn't anyones fault but my own. No one did anything mean, said anything mean, but I am just going through certain bouts of loneliness that do not do anything to help temper these feelings. It sucks. It sucks because I am so aware of why I am feeling this way, and how silly it really is.
I am a beautiful woman. I have a good head on my shoulders, I am passionate and caring. I am a wonderful friend and I know who I am. There is no reason for me to feel the way I was feeling. I am a desirable woman. I may not be desired by everyone, I am far from perfect... but that is OK. I am satisfied with not being perfect for everyone else but a strong woman for MYSELF.
I am proud of myself.
Which brings me to the point of this blog...
I didn't come to this place of empowerment from sitting on my ass and eating chocolate like I would have 2 years ago. Instead I got some FANTASTIC advice from my dear friend KO.
I went into her office to vent, as per my usual, and she always knows just what to say to make me feel better. She knows how to really make me think and see myself from an outside perspective. I LOVE talking to her. Well, when I expressed how I was feeling (lacking any eloquence or sense) she told me not only what I needed to hear, but what I have never heard expressed so perfectly. She said, "Leya, don't go home and be depressed. Don't marinate in this when you know it's not true. Go home and do something you can be proud of."
Something I can be proud of...
I don't think it has ever been said so perfectly. I am not going home to make myself feel better... even that allows some of the negative to impact me. Instead, I went home and did something I could be proud of. I walked home, got my dog and ran back to work to get my car. Then I walked more. I didn't sit for longer than it took to eat my dinner. I walked until it was time to leave for my Zumba class, and when I got there I felt good. I was happy and laughing and shaking it like nobody's business! Then I went home, took a bath, talked with my best friend and fell asleep happy.
I was PROUD of myself yesterday. Not only did I not dwell on what I feel I am lacking when I could have, but I went above and beyond any expectations I had for my night. I shook out those bad and obnoxious thoughts that were plaguing me. And today... I feel GREAT.
Plus, I realized I can also be proud of the fact that I had ZERO sweets! I am trying to go this week without any sweets, and I was able to sit back and give myself a mental *high five* for working my ass off and not indulging when I was at my most vulnerable.
I can sit here today, knowing who I am, knowing my worth and feel proud of what I have accomplished, both yesterday and in the last year.
Moral of the story...
Do something you can be proud of every day.
Love, love & MORE LOVE!!!
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