Sexual Healing

I am having so much fun.

Seriously. Like... epic amounts of good times. Being thinner is way easier than being big. It was like I was in a world that didn't respect me, wasn't made for me, and didn't want me. While this is not totally true- it's what it felt like 95lbs ago.

I have been pushing myself to try new things. To embrace life in this new body.

It is always funny to me that most people didn't know how insecure I was.

Well, let me tell you- I hated my body. I didn't like looking in the mirror. I had, honestly, NEVER felt SEXY. Isn't that sad? Being trapped in a body that makes you feel like you're a running joke.

I might have been sexy to some people. In fact, I know I was. But I never FELT sexy.

What a feeling I have been missing...

Now I feel like a woman. I am no longer a big blob of skin. I have curves- that are kickin' ;)

I have a waist and breasts and and ASS, and it is fucking fantastic.

I like looking at myself now. Sometimes I still catch my reflection and get a little upset- but I beat that feeling to a pulp as quick as I can and move on.

I just never knew how hard it would be to embrace and accept this new body.

You'd think, after all these years, of never feeling comfortable in my own skin (that's 25 years people!) that I would be all about it- flaunting it at every turn as soon as I got it. But no. That is just now how it works. Or at least not how I am programmed.

Which is why I have to push myself.

I have to try on clothes I never would have tried on before. I have to dress myself up more. I have to take risks and do things I would have never dared to try 95lbs ago...

In the last month I decided to go to some open calls for plus size modeling (still being considered plus size while I have been working so hard is a bit of a shitter but it's the nature of the beast). I was super embarrassed to admit it. I felt like a joke. See, the thing is I know I am "pretty" but because of my lack of feeling "Sexy" I thought I was crazy for doing this.

I have had so many years in front of the camera- being funny. Funny. Not sassy, or beautiful, or SEXY but funny. So when the camera comes on I have no idea wtf to do. Which is why I am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and EMBRACE my body. EMBRACE my sex appeal and OWN my sexuality. Easier said than done. But I am so happy I am doing it.

The modeling thing is still a little rough for me to delve into- it's such a shallow industry and I just don't think I will enjoy it. But I am still going to try. I am going to build my confidence by doing things I never would have dared to do.

Last night I went to a Burlesque dance class. All on my own. It was sooooo fun. Zumba has helped me begin to loosen up, Rock my curves and bring out the sex on the dance floor. I absolutely LOVE dancing now because of ZUMBA. Well, there was no class last night so I decided to try something new. Burlesque sounded right up my alley.

I LOVE Burlesque. I'm sure you do too. In fact, I don't know any men or women who don't find it to be the biggest turn on. It's just one big strip tease. Fucking insanely HOT. So I thought this would be a good mix for me. Spice it up a bit and bring out more of my sexuality.

Initially I was a little uncomfortable, all the women were regulars and knew each other. But I wouldn't let it show. I was going to do this and have fun!

We started with a lot of core work and stretching... many sit-ups. Then we walked all sexy across the floor- added spins. THEN we had to free style it across the floor. We could use the bars, the floor, the walls- whatever we wanted- all we had to think about was SEX. I was a little flustered but managed to put on my brave face and work the room- using my faithful shimmy in the process. That was when one of the women said to me, "Don't close your eyes. Look in the mirror, you look sexy"... WHAT?! My eyes were fucking closed!!! I didn't even realize that, once again, I was scared to look at myself. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! But it was so hard, moving in a sexual way- not making a joke of it- and watching yourself in the mirror as if you are seducing a lover. It is not easy. So throughout the rest of the class, learning the routine, I made a point of trying to watch myself dance. It was hard. Taking my eyes off the HOT instructor made it harder ;) But I did manage to look at myself throughout some of it. And damn it, if I didn't look good!!!!

I had such a blast. Dancing in a way that celebrated being a woman and being SEXUAL was something I had never done and never thought I'd do. Now that I have... well- let's just say I am doing double workouts next Wednesday- start with Burlesque and end with Zumba!!

To sum up this post, let me just say I think it is so important that women embrace their sexuality and sensuality. This does not mean going out and sleeping around, but owning their bodies. We should all feel confident in what we've got. We should work what we've got. Women are blessed with breasts and hips and curves and we have to own it for ourselves. For our own self confidence. Not for any other man or woman, but for us. For me. I want to OWN my sexuality and feel comfortable and confident in my skin for the rest of my life. That is such a gift... one that I am just starting to unwrap!!

XOXO!!!