Put them down on paper- or type them into the world wide web space- so they can float around there and not in my head.
Some things are bothering me recently.
For one thing, I like someone. I haven't "liked" anyone in a really long time. This is a problem.
At first, it's fun. Crushing is entertaining and exciting, however when I start to like someone it's a different story.
I automatically put myself in the "friend zone" and feel not good enough. WTF?! I have been working on myself and I know I am worth everything I want and as soon as I start liking someone I am not good enough for him?!
PLEASE... someone tell me where this insanity comes from!?? Is it from the Disney movies or TBS or from MTV? Give me someone to blame for my behavior... besides me!
I feel good about myself more often than not but I am still, somehow, not good enough for the guy that I want. Interesting. Shitty. Awful. Gross.
I need to take a leap.
The truth is, I am tired of being single. I explained this to my girlfriends recently- most have been in serious committed relationships- I have, basically, been single for 25 years. Yea! That's a long time. I have never fallen in love, had flowers sent to me, had someone to cuddle with and tell me I am beautiful in the morning- with no makeup on. Sounds sad doesn't it? It FEELS sad.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I was ready for a relationship until now. Because for the last 24 years I have been taking care of everyone else. Everyone's feelings came before mine. God forbid I would have gotten into a serious relationship then... it was bad enough being in some friendships with that low of self esteem. So, in the end I am happy that I have been single and mingling (some of the time), but that doesn't make me any less lonely right now.
When is it my turn? Isn't it about time someone makes me feel special? I don't think I am asking for much...
Requirements for a guy:
At least as tall as me.
FUNNY.
Loves watching movies.
Watches- or plays- sports.
Likes my dog.
Treats me kindly.
Allows me to be a geek.
Is a geek.
Supports me in my crazy career.
Not CLINGY!
See - not asking for much! My criteria are not crazy, I think they are like what most women hope for. So why is that so hard to find? Granted, I haven't been looking until recently. Online dating doesn't count. I haven't met anyone I have been interested in thru it... some nice guys- but it's too hard to do it that way.
Any advice?!? I am totally asking web space because I am not posting this on my FB telling people to read it!
I just wish someone gave me Dumbledore's wand and I could wave it and make everything I want to happen, happen. And yes... I did just reference Harry Potter- SUCK IT!
I know it is the journey that has made me who I am today. People like me. I like me... so I am happy with experiencing the happy and sad times. But I am tired of feeling undesirable. I am tired of allowing one guys lack of interest in me affect me. I am sick of dreaming of what it is like to have someone tell you they love you. I am bored with looking for men in a bar or out on the town.
I think it's my turn now!
Fucking Men!!!!!!
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