100

I like that number. It's a good one. Nice and round and large... and it's what I will have lost after 16 more pounds!

I have been looking back at old posts, I think it's important to remember the journey, and I am totally baffled by how far I have come. It's so exciting!!!

I mean, I have almost lost 100 lbs!!!! That's a backstreet boy!

I am so proud of myself. Yes, that is right... I am proud of me.

It's such a strange and exciting place to be. I am sitting here, at work, and my legs are curled up in my chair. I have plenty of room on either side of me, and I am wearing pants that are 5 sizes smaller. This happened. I have done it... not done with it, but I have changed my life in the best of ways.

Little things have changed for me...

When I go sit in booths now I no longer get scared that I won't fit or my boobs will be sitting on the table.

My clothes are easier to pack for trips!

I can cross my legs!

My back doesn't hurt me on a daily basis.

I feel sexy!

None of my old clothes fit- which is also a pain in the ass! :)

I make it thru an entire workout and still want to move.

I don't sleep the day away anymore!

I can shop anywhere!!!!!!!

I don't feel like the ugly girl anymore - but this one still needs some work on certain occasions.

I am excited to fly and see how big the seatbelt is on me now!

These are such exciting small victories that have me giggling at random points throughout my day. I am LOVING this!

I also wore a tank top to the gym for the past two weeks. Anyone who knows me, knows this is a huge feet. The arms don't get as small as easily and I am very insecure about it. BUT I am doing it to keep myself motivated AND because the tanks show off the waist I have earned way more than my over-sized t-shirts.

I am coming into a body that I have never known, and instead of being scared of it, I am now sooooo ready for it. It's exciting. I think it might take some getting used to- I might need friends to force me to try on things I never would have chosen because I couldn't... but I am READY for it. I am ready to really find myself. I have been hiding for way too long.

When I hit the 100lbs mark I have decided I am going to celebrate. It is going to start with a party at Slimmons and end with a night of dancing and laughter with friends! The same way I started is the way I want to commemorate my achievements!

I will let you all know when this is going to happen. I have 16lbs... could be a month- or even two... but it is happening before my year mark!

I love, love, love you all! I am worth it and you are too!!!! Get everything you want and deserve in this life, because we only get one!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for being there for me!!!!!! XOXOXOXO

Venting

Sometimes I just need to say things.

Put them down on paper- or type them into the world wide web space- so they can float around there and not in my head.

Some things are bothering me recently.

For one thing, I like someone. I haven't "liked" anyone in a really long time. This is a problem.

At first, it's fun. Crushing is entertaining and exciting, however when I start to like someone it's a different story.

I automatically put myself in the "friend zone" and feel not good enough. WTF?! I have been working on myself and I know I am worth everything I want and as soon as I start liking someone I am not good enough for him?!

PLEASE... someone tell me where this insanity comes from!?? Is it from the Disney movies or TBS or from MTV? Give me someone to blame for my behavior... besides me!

I feel good about myself more often than not but I am still, somehow, not good enough for the guy that I want. Interesting. Shitty. Awful. Gross.

I need to take a leap.

The truth is, I am tired of being single. I explained this to my girlfriends recently- most have been in serious committed relationships- I have, basically, been single for 25 years. Yea! That's a long time. I have never fallen in love, had flowers sent to me, had someone to cuddle with and tell me I am beautiful in the morning- with no makeup on. Sounds sad doesn't it? It FEELS sad.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I was ready for a relationship until now. Because for the last 24 years I have been taking care of everyone else. Everyone's feelings came before mine. God forbid I would have gotten into a serious relationship then... it was bad enough being in some friendships with that low of self esteem. So, in the end I am happy that I have been single and mingling (some of the time), but that doesn't make me any less lonely right now.

When is it my turn? Isn't it about time someone makes me feel special? I don't think I am asking for much...

Requirements for a guy:

At least as tall as me.

FUNNY.

Loves watching movies.

Watches- or plays- sports.

Likes my dog.

Treats me kindly.

Allows me to be a geek.

Is a geek.

Supports me in my crazy career.

Not CLINGY!

See - not asking for much! My criteria are not crazy, I think they are like what most women hope for. So why is that so hard to find? Granted, I haven't been looking until recently. Online dating doesn't count. I haven't met anyone I have been interested in thru it... some nice guys- but it's too hard to do it that way.

Any advice?!? I am totally asking web space because I am not posting this on my FB telling people to read it!

I just wish someone gave me Dumbledore's wand and I could wave it and make everything I want to happen, happen. And yes... I did just reference Harry Potter- SUCK IT!

I know it is the journey that has made me who I am today. People like me. I like me... so I am happy with experiencing the happy and sad times. But I am tired of feeling undesirable. I am tired of allowing one guys lack of interest in me affect me. I am sick of dreaming of what it is like to have someone tell you they love you. I am bored with looking for men in a bar or out on the town.

I think it's my turn now!

Fucking Men!!!!!!

Realization

Hello world (probably me and 1 or 2 others)!!!

It's been a few months since my last post and things are moving right along.

Life moves fast. Anyone else notice this? Seriously though... it's flippin' May already and I don't know about you but WTF happened to April??!

So- to slow my roll a bit and look back at what HAS happened will be challenging, but doable.

For starters my workouts have increased. I am now doing Zumba 2X a week (depending on the week of course) and Slimmons 2X a week. I L-O-V-E my Zumba classes! The instructor is awesome and the dance moves are super sexy and fun and I burn tons of calories!! It's been a good change in my routine. It works my core in a very specific way so I notice my curves getting .... dare I say it... curvier! LOVES it!!

I have also been taking an audition technique class at Gray Studios! It feels so good to be acting again- even if just in a class. As you all know, my job is very time consuming and I was starting to go a little insane without any sort of creative outlet... not to mention ZERO auditions... so being in class has boosted my drive again.

We are having a showcase at the end of the month so, hopefully, I will land another agent that will really work for me. Cross your fingers!!

I just got back from a FANTASTIC road trip with my best friend Candi!!! I had one of the best vacations ever... not that any other was less than- it's more that there was no pressure. Just excitement to have a great time and SEE places we had never seen before! I really have nothing i would do differently, which is hard to say... ever. Wait a tic- not true- I would totally bring another sweater and GLOVES because it was definitely snowing like a BIATCH (yes, biatches snow all the time... WHAT?!)

But beyond the snow we just shared a lot of laughs and a lot of amazing scenery... and alcohol. :)

My appearance on QVC was canceled just yesterday. I was a little bummed... but in the end I think it is OK.

In the first place I was nervous to do the show and not be at my goal weight yet. I was excited to celebrate what I have accomplished and maybe help other people start their journey to good health, but I am not where I want to be quite yet.

So in the end it's OK.

I also didn't have the money to buy a new dress... lol...

It was the experience I was looking forward to... but if they decide to bring back Cinderella stories you will see me on QVC with Richard!

My wonderful boss asked me yesterday how far I am to my goal weight and I was super stoked when I realized I am only 40lbs away! Like... holy shit! When did that happen... lol.

It's crazy to think of how far I have come.

I am developing this body that I am so unfamiliar with and I am feeling so good in! It's awesome, and scary, and amazing all at once. I haven't been as light as I am now since my senior year of HS and that is something crazy. Not to mention the landmark I haven't been at since 8th grade that I will talk more about when I drop another 10lbs (gotta save some for the next blog)

It's crazy... and I am really proud of myself. I have had my share of setbacks, but for the most part I have been on track. I feel too good to go back. I even feel, dare I say it... SEXY. Yea, that's right- I feel SEXY!!!!!! It is a wonderful feeling...

So that about sums it up. I work out a lot, keep busy with work and class and friends, and have been enjoying life with some vacation time.

In conclusion: This year rocks!

Love love love you all!!!!!! XOXOXOXOXO